Tuesday, January 31, 2012

tough it out

well, thats not working well.

i have been trying to
tough some things out
for far too long

you ask:
how are you?

i reply:
i'm fine, i'm great,
all is well, swell, perfect,
sometimes just okay.

and truth, i am fine, i am great, all is well,
or pretty well, sometimes swell,
not quite perfect, close to it in many aspects,
generally i am okay.

i mean, i have an abundance
of gratitude,
and my attitude reflects gratitude
[for the most part :?]
and happiness,
and even
laced with some cheerfulness.

plus i am good at smiling
and pasting on a happy

i save my complaints and my whining for my kids and mr. B.

people who have to hear
all to many times
that i don't feel good,
i am stressed,
i have too much NOT done and i am freaking out.

yep, that sounds about

this diatribe
is not meant to make
anyone feel they have to
swoop in fix anything.

we don't really have anything that needs fixing.

we don't need dinners, maids,
therapists....haha...now I sound
a little

like: relationship issues, i am fine,
i don't need anything,
when i am really dying inside
for you to read my mind
and there are a
billion things
you could be doing differently.
haha. really, that is NOT what i
am intending here.

i just need to write.
writing heals
i have about 100 journals
to prove that my writing process
and i have years of
personal social improvement
to show that i do

i just need to say it out loud.
we have been toughing it
and where it all looks fine
it really is harder than i am showing

so, when i broke down a couple weeks ago
and started talking about
how we are really doing....first in prayer,
then to random people who asked
....help arrived.
in the form of peace,
and interesting phone
and direction to some helps that can
really help us.

and then prayer again,
thanking Him
for more blessings in

we really are going to be okay.
we are pretty tough actually,
and all will be well.
thanks for asking!

on marriage

'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?