broken things to mend

I posted this on a healing journal that I am keeping and thought of some of you who were so kind to me as I ranted the other day. Instead of re-writing, if there is anyone worried about how I am doing. Today is good. I wanted to thank you for your words of love and support as I haven't been feeling up to much. I love that you are so supportive of me and of others who are here, on the line, holding on by a thread. Thank you and Happy Holidays. My wish is that you are all warm and surrounded by love during the season of Joy, as you think of Jesus, Others and Yourself.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have learned from church as an adult that you can be loved, you can be mended, you can be healed, having Faith in Jesus.


I have always felt as though they were talking about everyone else, not me.


I love my church. I love the people who come each Sunday, who put their arms around me; Who Love me. I know they do, I feel it, I want to be there each week, no matter how sad or broken I feel I never stop going. Even when I have been breaking the commandments, I still go. Even when I loose the light in my eyes, and people come up to me and ask me what's wrong. Even the day my Grandmother died, I went.


A talk was given during one of our conferences titled Broken Things to Mend, by Jeffrey R. Holland. I remember it was beautiful.


For Christmas this year I bought the book: Broken Things to Mend for my sister, and one for my mother. I went back and got one for me. I haven't read it yet, but feel that it will be a really good part of my healing process.


Today, missing my Grandmother very much, I got a surprise visit. My mom came by. Everyone loves surprises, but you know what I have told you about my mom. My childhood.


She came by, and it was good.


Let me tell you more. She brought with her little Santa bags. Bags she had sewn herself, to give us as Mrs. Claus bags. My Grandmother always played Mrs. Claus for us, it is by far my favorite Christmas memory ever. And I am missing her greatly, this healing is partially coming and necessary due to losing her in October. Something in me broke, my heart and more, so badly when she died. And when that broke, the rest of me fell apart.


Having my mom come today reminded me of something I learned in church. Faith. I gave my mom her book, and a journal, and a little white bracelet with the word Faith on it. Like the one my son gave to my grandmother years ago, something she wore everyday the rest of her life, and was buried with.


As my mom played Mrs. Claus today I watched her from the rocking chair that my Grandmothers Father built. She gave them the gifts, with no fancy dress, no singing of Here comes Santa Clause...just a sweet gift of a journal and some old fashioned candy, like Grandma.


As tears came to my eyes I realized I wasn't crying because I was sad or broken. I was crying because I was happy. I remembered that Life is great. Life is and will be eternal. Life is love, and prayer, and Hope, and Faith, Life is happy, and Families are Forever.


We believe this in our church. And I will be able to see my Grandmother again. I may be broken, but I am beginning to believe that Broken is Better. And that being broken I have the Faith to heal, to be renewed. To be whole.



part of that conference address says:
"He is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""


Another part I love is:

Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs or gambling, or the pernicious contemporary plague of pornography? Is your marriage in trouble or your child in danger? Are you confused with gender identity or searching for self-esteem? Do you—or someone you love—face disease or depression or death? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."



In the Bible the woman who touched Christ’s garment and was healed is a wonderful example of faith, determination, and resoluteness. Her motives were pure. There was no hypocrisy or deception, as she hoped her actions would go unnoticed. She did not want to inconvenience the Master or disturb those listening to Him. The woman had spent all her income on physicians, expecting to be cured of a blood disease, but to no avail. With great faith, this sister disciple sought out Jesus and in the midst of a crowd “came behind him, and touched the border of his garment” and was healed. Jesus experienced the withdrawal of spiritual power. He inquired of His disciples, “Who touched me?” The disciples pointed to the multitude thronging about Him and suggested that it could be any number of persons. Jesus persisted, sensing the special person in His midst and the nature of the event. The woman then came forward. “Trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.

“And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace” (see Luke 8:43–48).

And Finally the conference address says:

If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.


Today, I can't help but think that by no accident do things happen. Even in my abuse I know there is power to heal and to mend. I know that while some of my experiences have been awful, most and many more, have been good.


I know that what I learn at my church is good, that I have been taught many wonderful things, that I have felt wonderful things, and that I have found peace in them. I know that Jesus Christ, whose birth we celebrate this year, is wonderful, and that he loves me. I know that the words of these men and women in our church are true, and loving and that they are inspired.

I seek to have the Faith to be whole, to be mended, and this time I want to have a choice, to choose the best parts of me to put back together. Actually, I quite believe today that I am looking forward, with Faith, to it!


Love and greetings, Merry Christmas, to you, my friends, who are with me on the way to my healing....I do pray that your holidays are safe, warm, healthy, and happiness be yours. Know that you are making a difference in my life, which is making a difference in my children's lives.


Love and gratitude to you!

Pay it FORWARD!

for the Women Doing More website

original publication please link below...

PAY IT FORWARD

XEROX IS DOING SOMETHING COOL

If you go to this web site,
http://www.letssaythanks.com/
you can pick out a thank you card
and Xerox will print it
and it will be sent to a soldier who is
currently serving in Iraq .

You can't pick out who gets it,
but it will go to a member

of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be
if we could get everyone
we know to send one!!!
It is FREE
and it only takes a second.
Wouldn't it be wonderful
if the soldiers each received
a bunch of these?

God Bless Our Service

Men and Women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What WE ALL Can Do:
Go to: http://www.letssaythanks.com/
Pick a card and let Xerox do the rest.

Send more than one card!
Pass along the information.
Post this on your blog,

refer your friends to the

Women Doing More site

for simple ways to be

involved in your community,

and our global community!

Email everyone you can,

asking them to send a card!

Have a happy day!

Know that you can have a happy day because of the job these men and women do.

Whether we agree with the politics behind the process,

they are there because they are committed to do their job.

Is that much different than you or I?

They deserve to know we appreciate

and that we acknowledge their presence there

and not home for the holidays.

God bless them,

peace and safety be with them during the holidays

previously published on Women Doing More!

Moving Forward

I have read and appreciated all the wonderful comments. I can not spend a lot of time right now coming to say thank you to everyone individually...
[i miss your blogs :(], however, I hope you will feel my gratitude in this message.

...I am going to be fine, I am too stubborn to fail at anything, including healing and Hope.

that said...

I have decided that if I have the time to blog I am going to share the cute things my kids do or say that make me smile, and something I am thankful for each day.

Positive thoughts; positive momentum forward.

Today as I picked J up from school, alone,

because his older siblings are trying out for the school play,

I DELIGHTED in listening to him talk.

He had so much to say and I was THANKFUL for the time with him.

I think that he sometimes is quiet because everyone else is so noisy.

He is a DANG cute kid.

I wish that everything he said would be as cute to you all,

but I have seen your blogs,

you have cute moments and funny kids too,

[which i enjoy...smiles...]

and seriously cool lives....actually that being said [the cool word]...

I have a story.

My story is my thing that made me smile today.

J was talking non stop,

the boys at school,

THE GIRLS at school

- remember he is 7.

He was talking about the teams his friends are on.

I asked, teams, like sports, are you playing games.

Oh no, he says, not sports.

Actually the entire interaction

between kids these days is like a sport,

with NEW rules, not olden day style.

So, he is telling me about all these kids

and the funny events of the day.

He is laughing hilariously at himself.

So I said, "Sounds like you have a lot of friends,

you must be a COOL kid."

And that, my blogger friends, is where my STORY comes in.

"COOL kids," he responds,

"OH NO, that is the OTHER TEAM.

My team is AWESOME.

We are definitely not

Constipated, Outdated, Overweighted, Losers."

HELLO, what was I thinking.

It is so not cool to be COOL.


So, my friends, you are awesome.

You are the awesome team.

I am not sure that I know ANYONE who is cool these days.

And, it is Over WEIGHTED, not over RATED....I also learned that tidbit today.

Happy blogging.
And thanks again for the greetings.
I feel blessed to have so many angels, prayers, and care notes from you all.

[and, by the way, i have MAJOR OCD,
I don't like even numbers,
so 48 followers is COOL.
...anyone want to make it 49??? thanks ♥]


My Thankful Thought:

Matthew 25:35..."I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

v. 40 ...And the King shall answer and say unto them, ....I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

Merry Christmas Everyone ♥

just to know that you are there

thanks binders for the nice comment! from me to you:referring to:

CAPTCHA: great bloggers think alike, take two

comment:

"That's so true. In this day and age it's hard to make time to PERSONALLY meet with everyone. Sometimes it's just those little connections, bits of wisdom or moments of inspiration we glimpse on someone else's blog that give us that boost we need."


reminds me of someone else who came into our world every day,

Mr. Rogers .

One of my top favorite websites:
http://pbskids.org/rogers/R_house/

For all you big kids out there who (like me) miss Mr. Rogers Neighborhood!!!

"It's you I like,
It's not the things you wear,
It's not the way you do your hair--
But it's you I like

The way you are right now,
The way down deep inside you--
Not the things that hide you,
Not your toys--
They're just beside you.

But it's you I like--
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope that you'll remember
Even when you're feeling blue
That it's you I like,
It's you yourself, It's you, it's you I like

For listening:
http://pbskids.org/rogers/songlist/song5.html

For watching:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BN9ynEJzLo

Thanks...then Giving!

"Many of us will be going home over the Thanksgiving Holiday. Let us take with us the spirit of giving and engender it into our family circles. During Thanksgiving... may we truly give thanks to the Lord for His blessings, and then may we give our time and talents in service to others. King Benjamin counseled,

"... When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God. (Mosiah. 2:17.)

"In this way our Thanksgiving will be first thanks, then giving."

- John H. Vandenberg, November 23, 1965, "BYU Speeches of the Year," 1965, p.8

THANKS ... trying to stay calm ♥♥♥

thank you friend
for the fun awards!
All you bloggers;
keep writing smiles.
Hope and healing.
Fun to know you.
happy blogging!






I can't wait to pass some along!

Tag, YOU are ALL it!

TaGGed bY:
http://thenaulutribe.blogspot.com/
check out her site and her tag answers. EXCELLENT

iN pROCeeS...

From Naulu Tribe:
"My good cyber friend Sue has done a wonderful job creating this for us, soooooo---"

1. What is your Fav. Temple and why?-----

The Salt Lake Temple.

Because I have spent much time there with my children.
My hope is to be able to go to the temple in a few months.
I am trying so hard to right my life to be worthy
to have my eternal family and to be able
to bless my children with that promise.
I love to be there. Having a picnic on the temple grounds.
Going to the visitors center for all
the wonderful discussions by the Sister Missionaries. The movies....

Seeing the statue of Jesus.

The beautiful paintings. Learning about the temple being built;
the MANY years it took. The granite stones brought from the mountains.
The majestic process. The obedience and patience.
I gain so much from the process of this temple.
The men who didn't live to see it in its final process,
but spent their lives,
their entire being to give this to us today.
It is amazing.
I feel that it inspires me to continue on my way
to the temple someday.

i LoVE TO sEE tHE tEMpLE,
i AM gOiNG thERe sOMeDay!!!

2. My favorite calling that I've had in the church--

My all time FAVORITE calling was Primary Chorister.
I had served as nursery leader for 3 years;
PriMAry pResIDent for 7 years;
released, took on Ward Activity CHaiR;
then called as CHORISTER. Oh my,
I LOVED IT.

The presence of the spirit as the children sing those songs.
LEarning and LOVIng tHe songs in the Childrens SongBook.
Truly gaining and sharing a testimony through sinGinG.
Yes, my favorite.

3. What has been your hardest calling in the church---

Activity chair. I was aching and missing primary so much.
I also had to be released as a Visiting Teacher many years
ago because I felt so much insecurity trying to teach amazing
women. It caused me great anxiety. I think that I still
have some sadness that I have missed loving and serving
as a VIsiTinG TeaCHer. regrets.....

4.Favorite scripture story--

The Sword of the Lord and of Gideon


(see Ensign Magazine [lds.org], Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints,
April 2002, The Sword of the Lord and of Gideon)

Gideon, in the Bible. Judges 6:11-8:35

I love that story because Gideon was the weakest. He felt so inadequate, but the Lord called him to do something, and even in his weakness he accepted the call. The Lord told him, "the Lord is with you...go in the strength you have..."

"So often the Lord calls inexperienced people..." (Ensign, April 2002)

"The first assignments are often smaller
and yet truly significant and assist those called
in strengthening their own families."

"He often calls them from obscurity and weakness
...and tells them to go in the strength you have..."

The Gideon story teaches faith and trust in God,
that he will provide a way to do what ever he asks of us.

"God does not begin by asking about our ability,
but only our availability,
and if we then prove our dependability,
he will increase our capability."
(Ensign, April 2002)

I also love and try to live by 1 Nephi 3:7. "I will go and do the things that the Lord hath commanded me, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, Save he shall prepare a way for them to accomplish that which he hath commanded them." (from my memory, probably not accuretly quoted)

And finally, I LOVE the story of Job. I feel I relate to His journey:

I have worn out my scriptures reading the Book of Job.

Job10:1, "My soul is weary of my life..."
Job 10:15, "I am full of confusion.."
Job 11:7 "Canst thou by SEARCHING find out God?"...

though even his friends scorn him, he TESTIFYs

Job 19:25, "For I know that my redeemer liveth,

and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth."

Job 7:13, "My bed shall comfort me,
my couch shall ease my complaint."

Job 6:8, "Oh that I might have my request;

and that God would grant me the thing that I long for."

Job seeking RELIEF.

Job 16:20, "My friends scorn me:

but mine eye poureth out tears unto God."

Job 23:2, "Even to day is my complaint bitter:
Job 23:6, "...but he would put strength in me."

Job lost everything in his life,
he suffered so much and he was so human.
He complained, he pleaded, he cried out,
and wept on his couch!

Job repented, and:
Job 42:3, "Who is he that hideth counsel without knowledge?

therefore had I uttered that I understood not;
things too wonderful form me, which I knew not."

He had not seen that the Lord gave council,
that wonderful peace and comfort was always available,
through repentance.

Job 42:10....{you go to it.}

Find your peace in the answer that the Lord gave to Job,

when all was said and done.

5. Where would you like to serve a mission?--

First I would choose Scottland, Denmark, and Ireland.
My GranDmoTher, who just passed away,
served three missions to these countries.
I would love to follow in her footsteps. And to serve where my roots are.....

Also, I love Japan, or Australia.
Meeting the people of those countries,
although i only MET a few
[they well represented their country],
and they seemed so wonderful.

I would love to serve in Africa,
or South America.
ANyWherE,
as long as I could do a couple mission.

6. When did you know the Gospel was true?--
I think that my testimony is still growing.
I am serving as first Counselor in the RElieF SoCIetY.
I feel that I am still gaining a testimony
of individual concepts as I grow in the gospel.

In primary I learned much.
I am a child of God, A daughter of God.
I know He loves me, I want to serve Him.
I believe that Following the Prophets council is good.
I love to read the ScripTurEs.
I want my Family to be Together ForEvER.
I know that Jesus LiveD.


7.Who has been a spiritual giant in your life?--

My Grandfather. He is my mentor, my hero,
much of who I am becoming is because of him.

I have a private post about him.
Maybe some of it will beposted in the future.

He is amazing. I love to walk with him, talk with him,
have a noon time meal.

I love to share books, thoughts, scriptures, and song.
He is wARd ChorIsTER.
i love to hear him sing [as he practices] the songs each week.
and too look up scriptures with him, what an amazing time.

He is my inspiration, my focus to prepare to go to the temple.
I want to be bound to my family,
from those before me,
to my little ones, and those to come.

My Grandmother, his sweetheart, just passed away as well.

Two grandmothers, in october, both in the same week.

Very HARD.

My grandmother is my gardian angel.
She was in this life, and I know that she is now.
Watching over me, and my little children.
When I close my eyes,
ponder quietly,
she is there.
Beautiful and dear.

MAYBE I SHOULDNT POST AT NIGHT. VERY TENDER ...

and:
Again QUOTE Naulu Tribe:
"This tag is passed on to everyone.

Everyone who comes to my blog,
everyone who has seen this,

I encourage to stand up and show everyone this tag...

It's a good one,

Now go getter done...."

Ditto! My sentiments, try it out.

Great Tag!
I would love to hear from everyone,
all over the world.

Tagged....YOURE IT.

1. What is your Favorite Temple and why?-----

2. My favorite calling that I've had in the church--

3. What has been your hardest calling in the church---

4. Favorite scripture story--

5. Where would you like to serve a mission?--

6. When did you know the Gospel was true?--

7. Who has been a spiritual giant in your life?--

P.S. Let me know when you do it.

"Hope ya know..."

"Regardless of our trials, with the abundance we have today, we would be ungrateful if we did not appreciate our blessings.

Despite the obvious nature of the hardships the pioneers were experiencing, President Brigham Young talked about the significance of gratitude.

He stated, 'I do not know of any, excepting the unpardonable sin, that is greater than the sin of ingratitude.'"

- Quentin L. Cook,
"Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time,"
General Conference, October 2008

Thank a Veteran!

COURAGE

Sometimes the absolutely worse thing
in the world is leaving the kids at school.
Driving away, hearing them say, "love you mom", "have a happy day",
carrying their lunch boxes, with a note of love and confidence.
I always hope people will be nice today.
Will they come home with delightful experiences,
or are they going to encounter something else?

G in Junior High, being indoctrinated by teachers with opinions.
Opinions different than mine.
Having conversations that have to do with our world;
Immigration, global warming, the next presidential election,
wanting to know what things mean
when I am still trying to figure those things out. What am I thinking?

Why not spend the entire day with my children running barefoot through the grass,
rolling down hills, swinging in tree swings,
knowing that you will reach the sky if you just pump a little harder.
I can play four square, kick-ball, jumprope.
I can teach them times tables, and how to write an essay.
I just miss them, and wish they missed me a little more.
But they are independant and going to grow up no matter what I do.

When they were little and learning to walk,
I would trip them up, "gently" push them back down, crawl a little longer;
I would beg.
Cuddle more with me, come into our room at night,
oh, how I miss having four of them all
trying to find a place to snuggle at night.
Making beds on the floor of my room.
I guess they needed that because I was pushing
them out into the world of school and sports.
I suppose that is why they needed more at night,
because they were learning and growing,
and they wanted to have all the time in the world with me too.
I miss that. It does go away, and I don't like it.
They loose their youth, they grow into these wonderful people
that are so like yourself, and yet so like their own person.
I have planted them as seeds, now I need the courage to let them grow.

I guess that is why I am trying to redefine me.
Who I am? What kind of a world do I see myself
offering these little people as they grow up.
I tell them, "stop growing up",
and J replies,
"Mom, you can grow up with us."
Thanks J, if I can be with them for now,
I guess I won't worry about tomorrow.
And maybe I can work out an appreciation
for the time that I have to define me,
while they are out there, exposed to our wonderful world;
well at least it is an interesting experience.

There is something to what they gain, that I can't give them.
It's just the courage it takes to let go of them;
remembering what was written by a third grade girl,
to go with her art piece. It has stayed with me ever since.
This is what our kids are doing while they are away growing up.
They are learning to be stars, sensitive, thoughtful, aware, respectful, students.
They are little seedlings, sprouting.
They are learning to have the courage to be their best person.

So, yes; my children: Have a happy day!

Courage:
Courage, it is the hardest thing you will ever muster up.
It can also be the most important quality you will ever need
in a very scary situation.
This small fragile sprout represents courage.
It takes a lot of courage for such a helpless sprout to become a plant.
It must brave the elements every day.
I wish I were as courageous as this helpless sprout.

ME TOO!

Thanksgiving

Odd Way of Giving Thanks!

I am extremely restless. Can't really describe why. It's like my mind is rushing with all my regrets: my impatience with my kids, not celebrating each day, gritting my teeth, forgetting to breathe, and to smile.

I wonder if they know just how delighted I am with each of them. How much I love them, and how I wish that instead of being grumpy and expressing my irritated feelings, how I wish I was better at letting them in on the pleasure, happiness and peace they bring into my life. I love them.

Absolutely and so much. May I learn to enjoy each moment, and better show my delight in each of them. My gratitude for G, Cece, S, and J. The warmth that fills my soul at the sound of their names, each name chosen specific and with a love between their daddy and me.

Speaking of Mr. B, oh how can I ever express just how much he means to me. How I love him and my absolute enduring appreciation for him. He is my amazing friend, my life long eternal love.

He is worth working for an eternal promise. He and my four beautiful children; how blessed I feel.

Wednesday, Nov. 22nd

I skipped my math this morning, with the kids out of school and all I figured they could appreciate their mom being home with them. We cleaned house and wrote their talks for the Sacrament Meeting this Sunday. They each chose something really cool to talk about, Gratitude is our subject, and it was sweet to spend the time working with them.

Today was a perfect way to spend a Wednesday!!!

today...

Today was a pretty calm day. We just spent time together; church, dinner, watching a movie. It was really nice to not have a whole lot going on, to take a breath in the midst of a crazy and consuming life. I really think the most positive thing was just being together with my family. It feels like the calm before the storm; the holidays and such coming up.

thanks

The meeting yesterday was all I expected. My kids could really feel the reverence for the flag, something they and I will never forget. I was really proud watching G help with the ceremony and be so respectful. Today G-11 has a court of honor; he is being awarded his aquaknot. This should be fun, with the older scouts.

Today I am really thankful for friends who see me struggling and help.

9 - 11

September 11th… I think that today everyone will be thinking of being grateful.

I know that I began the day feeling just thankful for our safety in my little part of the world.

I am aware of so many circumstances close to us that are so devastating, and then you start to think of the circumstances of the world and the children of the world and it is another one of those overwhelming things for me. I picked my brother up at the airport, yes he flew in today, and we had a delightful time. Went to the school for J's after Kindergarten and had lunch and recess with the kids. We played kickball with the 6th graders and then I drove Jake down to stay with my older sister for a few days. She is pregnant with twins, 29 weeks along and bigger by far than I could ever imagine being while pregnant. I felt so much pain for her. I need to be working some things out to be helping her more for the next bit.