last post i casually commentated "come what may" and love it?
well, certainly i could not have known that in a very short time i would lose a brother. our brother passed away last week late Thursday night, likely due to some heart complication. he was engaged in daily mundane of cleaning his truck and end of day chores before another work day works! Just going about life....and now he is gone.
i feel obsessed with grief right now, watching so many that i love ache and writhe in pain and sorrow. it is unbearable. and feels unreal, shocking.
he was 43, he has two beautiful daughters who are teens; too young to lose their father, and their father, my brother, too young to die.
his girls were everything to him, he wouldn't have left them if he had any say. he loves them and he will expect us all to support and love and remember.
i miss you brother, i hate that i miss you so much, and wish that i hadn't been so busy with life, the mundane, the silly stuff that distracts us from opportunities with each other...before it is too late. before they are gone.
we have a lot of memories, but in this cloud of sorrow it seems that all i can feel is regret and sorrow for the loss of memories we still needed to make. we needed to see our kids married, and have babies, and have reunions, and so many more thanksgivings and football games. we needed more of your hugs and smiles and jokes.
come what what....this??? i wish i could say NO. i wish you would wake up from this tragedy and we could have one more .....everything.
'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?