Saturday, February 28, 2009


This one is fun and easy to do:
Open your sixth photo folder, publish the sixth photo, explain it, tag 6 friends.

Okay...THIS is beyond FUNNY. This is MY SON. The boy in pink a few posts before. For Halloween years back he dressed up LIKE A GIRL. Borrowed a cheer leading outfit. This is SOSOO funny to me because my sister had said after the PINK episode that she has seen him in girl clothes TOO much over his lifetime.

I opened up my slideshow to do this tag and the 6th picture is THIS. I couldn't believe it. Maybe you can't either. Anyhow. Have a laugh, and do the tag.

If any of you want to do this tag, DO IT, and come let me know that you did so I can see what randomness you come up with.

I tagged myself on my family blog: if you want an invite, let me know [it's private].

The picture there was from my 6th file...and it is of my toes, in the summertime, after swimming. I think I took it because I liked the nail color. Random.

Hugs. Happy Saturday!

Friday, February 27, 2009


"Looking at vegetable life, we see plants that grow in darkness. They are pale; they possess not the beauty of those that grow in open sunlight. When I was a youth, I remember being sent into the cellar late in the spring to sprout some potatoes. Every sprout was reaching out for that ray of sunlight that came through a little aperture!

And yet we go through life and see God's highest creation, man, turning his back on the light, and not as the potato sprout struggling therefore.

I wonder if we are magnifying our calling and are growing toward the light in a desire to be warmed by Christ's love? I wonder if we know just who we are? If we do, let us be obedient unto every commandment of the Lord our Father.

- Walter P. Monson, "Conference Report," April 1917, Outdoor Meeting, p.103

This thought is quite interesting to me today. I have felt myself in such darkness, and yet in darkness there is purpose.

In darkness we sprout and grow, and for some things and people the best they are is grown in darkness.

I think we each go through our experiences thinking that we are to become one perfect thing, that perfect thing is always out of our reach because we are trying to become what we see as perfect in others, not what we are to become ourselves.

We think because we see others doing something really well, that is the only way to do it. We think because our religion leads us in one direction that is THE ONLY WAY. But I am coming to understand the compassion of a loving Heavenly Father.

I am perfect in the way he created me. With my ability to love people, all people, and accept others come what may. I have come to this out of desperation to be loved myself, to be accepted myself.

Through my own darkness, depression, addictions, abuse, I have become me. A perfect ME, not because I am like everyone or anyone around me, but because I know that being me is enough.

I am discouraged everyday as I don't feel myself doing all that I should be, or all that I could be doing. I fail in so many ways.

I don't always do the chores I should, or have the patience I could. But I keep trying, and I am happy to just be me, whoever I am that day.

I am the first person to point out my faults, problem is picking just one of them to point out. And the real problem is that I shouldn't be doing that in the first place.

Grow where you are planted. We all need potatoes, they grow best in the dark. They are sufficient for their purpose, and they are needed for our nutrition. Wherever you are GROW, and be happy to be what you are.

Even if you feel like you are just a potato.

The quote in this talk was given almost a hundred years ago, but it's teachings are as applicable to how we feel today. My grandfather shared another talk with me and something in it has struck my chords in ways that have helped me to feel a little better in my journey to find hope and healing.

The talk was on tape and the writer was speaking about a potential conversation with the Lord.

The conversation went that the gentleman was talking to the Lord about what he had done in his life and the Lord said every time, "did you try", he said in response, "I tried...but I failed. I was only able to do this much..."

The Lord said, "I don't remember that part."

He is such a kind forgiving Lord. I believe that he loves us unconditionally.

That he gave us light and darkness, wisdom and weakness.

He wants us to grow, and GROWTH HURTS. It is not the easy times in life that we grow. It is the hardest experiences we have that we learn the most.

Please love each other. Accept each other. We are all in this thing called life together. No one is doing any better than the other person for we all have things we struggle with. We have loved ones around us who are struggling and we have to STOP going on about ourselves ignoring the ones we love because of our fears.

Walter Monson as a youth was sent to the potato celler. It was there that he learned that even potatoes in darkness reach for the light. But we know that without the darkness we wouldn't have the sweet and essential nutrition of potatoes. We need them.

We need each other. Be a potato for someone in your life. Find a way to reach with them in their darkness, or in yours. The is a bit of light there.

Spring is coming. Hang in there. Love and hugs to you all.

"I wonder if we are magnifying our calling and are growing toward the light in a desire to be warmed by Christ's love? I wonder if we know just who we are? If we do, let us be obedient unto every commandment of the Lord our Father."

...and the greatest commandment of all is to LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Misplaced Americans

THIS deserves some attention. Thanks for sharing!

PINK is an awesome color for boys. My son wore a TOUGH GUYS WEAR PINK shirt most of elementary school, which has been passed along to both brothers [above]...LOVE IT. And he also told me back then that it is racist to think that Pink is only for girls...I loved that comment. I am glad that with our kids we can change even what they think it means to be racist. Hopefully only good things come from this great generation. Thanks for the comments everyone. Love you all for being YOU. ♥


Tell Me Thursday

Great radio show. Fun to listen to and gives you a great laugh.

They liked my almost wordless Wednesday and wanted the story behind it. I had never heard of Tell Me Thursday but I am happy to play along.

It is Spirit Week at my kids school. Monday was pajama day, Tuesday Disco Day, and then Wednesday was Pink Day. This is not his first Rodeo...last year he wore a dress to school. And with those emerging hairy legs he had his first experience wearing tights. I think we even painted his nails last year.

This year he wanted some tight pink shorts...which we found at the Deseret Industries for a whopping $2. His entire outfit was purchased there Tuesday night for a total of 11$, including the shoes and girl panties...not available for show.

He said the circulation in his legs was cut off by 2nd period, and he can't understand why a girl would wear panties...he is a boxer boy.
He adorned himself with my beads and his sisters lip gloss, and won the award for the most excessive PINK...which earned him a spot in the YEARBOOK; I am sure at some point he will re-think PINK.

Today is classic if he could just TALK his dad into letting him wear his Rolex...

The boy has way more confidence than I have raised him to have. He has fun with life and is a JOY to be around. My sister commented that she has seen him in WAY to much pink in his young life, and he ENJOYS wearing girl clothes a bit much. My aunt requested that we keep him away from the pink from now on, he looks a little too good in it! And my cousin thought that if anyone could pull it off, he could, he has it in the bag...I said it's somewhere in his purse!!!

I only have one it is kind of nice to have him around...

Anywho...thanks for asking. Happy THursdAY everyone!

what a painting...thanks to my cuz!

i needed that.
I have always loved this iconic painting.
there are a few versions.
one is in the New York Manhatten Temple.
the impression that I had is to notice that
He is holding the black sheep.
the others will stay at his side,
but the little black sheep needs to be held onto.
He wants to keep us.
so much to ponder.
i feel like the black sheep so often in life.
this means a lot to me.
and brings me comfort.
hope you don't mind me using it
to put a thought together.
to share...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Word Verification Wednesday!

this was in my box on thou shalt not whine WV Wednesday game.
roflmao thinking how well this goes with below: Wish I had another daughter...hmmmm?

Wordless Wednesday!

Some things are better left NOT said.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Way Back Whensday...

Well, this wasn't way back. ...but I don't think I smiled as much then about it as I am ENJOY!


Cece's Veterans Day program honoring
those who served in the military.
Cece was a greeter.
She asked the attendees if they were honorees
and gave them a special chair cover as they arrived.

One veteran did not have his hearing aids.

He heard, "Are you onry?"
"No, I'm not onry."

"I'm sorry," Cece said,
"I meant are you an honoree?"

He replied again: "No, I am not onry today, I am just old."

Her dance teacher said,
"Maybe you should just ask if he is a veteran."

Cece: "Are you a veteran?"
Honoree: "Oh, yes, of course, I am a veteran."

Too Tuesday!

Get over it. That is what I keep hearing in my life.

I have always been a pretty happy person.
Strong for everyone around me.

I guess that while I have a hard time I don't get the support card.

I get the Get Over It card.

My sister reminded me of my brothers best advice ever:

It was that if you start as a slacker no one expects anything from you.

...if you do a good job that is what everyone ALWAYS expects from you,
if you do a mediocre job that is what is expected of you.

If you start out as a slacker and just keep it up, that is all that is expected of you. advice I have ever heard.

Okay, so if I have a bit of an edge today let me explain.

I have always tried to support people around me.

I naturally love many people, and try to be there for them.

Right now I have taken a break from my being ME. I am allowing myself the time to grieve, to feel the pain, and to deal with what I am feeling. And it is not going well for the people around me.

Maybe I am taking TOO much time.

I know that for people close to me in my life they are TIRED of seeing me hurting and want me to just GET OVER IT.

So, for my anniversary I had an enjoyable day with my hubby and we spent the time with the kids. It was a pretty good day and a GREAT reminder of where I am right now and what I CAN work on.

I have a story:


My grandparents have a willow tree. It has been the place I loved to be as a child. To hang on the willows, swing and play in the branches. The tree is a beautiful tree. I love trees. As a little girl you could hide among the branches. Make under the tree your hide out. It was my favorite place to be.

The picture above is my daughter, Cece, in the branches of the tree. The place that became each of my childrens favorite place. As soon as we pulled up they loved to run to the tree, swing in the branches, and their imaginations took over as they made under the tree their hideout.

Problem is that as you get older you don't really have a hide out anymore.

Even trying to HIDE OUT, like for me right now, doesn't work out. PEOPLE FIND YOU, and they don't like the condition they find you in, and they buy you self help books, tell you to get over it, and grow up, and that you aren't really hurting THAT bad, and that you are ruining everyone life around you. REALLY, EVERYONES LIFE IS RUINED because I am feeling what I am feeling.

Seriously. So, if I had taken the advice of my brother and been a slacker, EVERYONE around me would be fine.


okay, that was edgy. Sorry.

Back to the willow tree.

I loved the willow tree. Loved, yes, we lost the willow tree this year too. So, two grandmothers, a grandpa, and a teacher. My mind, my heart is aching, and my soul feels a loss.

And I am trying to GET OVER IT. REallY I am. It is not like I want to be a big baby about it. But this is where I am.

So, Sunday in the lesson at church we were talking about the Principle of Compensation. An interesting principle. And I was thinking, What do I know about this principle?

What do I know about losing something and knowing that it can be and will be made up to you.


I know this because I believe that while I am hurting a great deal right now, I hurt because I loved. Because what I lost really meant something to me.

And I am okay to hurt. I really am not doing that bad.

Losing the Willow Tree was the last straw, or branch.

It was like, you have GOT to be kidding me. ALreaDY hurting at the loss of my beloved Grandmothers, then to loose Uncle Bill, the man who was like another Grandpa. Then to loose a school teacher, the people who are there NO MATTER WHAT, and always together, and pick up the pieces, and hold your kids and family together.

And then the TREE. I remember watching the man take it down. And watching my strong and just dealing with it. Yes, they were sad, but being great kids, they just collected a bit of the wood, and being adventurous, they found other trees to climb in, safely tucked in the branches of the apple trees, watching their beloved tree come down.

The tree was old. It was it's time to go.

So what comes of loss.

That is what I am pondering today. That is the thought that I had on Sunday.

I believe that God will make more of us than we can make of ourselves. When we turn our lives over to him, he does amazing things with us. But it begins by trusting, by faithfully truly turning our lives, our pains, our trials over to him. And not taking it back. Not changing our minds and saying: Oops, lost my mind for a minute, let me do it alone.

The Principle of Compensation. Taking something, losing something, and getting something better in return. From loss can come beauty, and refinement. We learn the most at times when we are hurting.

I must be learning a lot right now.

So, for my anniversary my husband took me to breakfast. He had a little bag covered in XOXOXO's. He handed me the bag. He said. I know how much you love your Grandmother, and how much you miss her right now. I know how much the willow tree meant to you.

I open the bag and there is a little wooden plate. A plate made from the pieces of the Willow Tree. The Principle of Compensation. In my hands.

I look deeper in the bag. Two journals. "for writing your feelings", and a bit deeper a pen and pencil box. Inside the most beautiful crafted pen and pencil, made from the Willow Tree.

He says, "I know you miss your Grandmother, and you miss the willow tree. I know you LOVE to write. So write, and heal and know that from loss can come something truely beautiful and amazing. What is amazing is you. What I see you becoming, and hopefully as you hold that pen, and write your stories, you will see it too."

Okay, Mr. B. You had me at our first kiss, our first date, our first St. Patricks day, and the moment I saw shoe trees in your closet. But today. YOU HAVE ME MORE.

I do believe that God will take our pains, our losses and make more of us than we can ever make of ourselves. I am thankful to have amazing people in my life. I will take the advice, the hurt, even the comments that are not nice right now. And I will make something really great of all of this. If I have hurt you, please know that I am working through some stuff. Let's have lunch. Come pull me out of bed, and cry a bit with me. Maybe trying to understand what is going on inside me will help you to not be so hurt by my behavior right now. I am like the Willow Tree. Being rotten on the inside, but having some good left. I am finding the good and what I can do with it. I don't mean to hurt anyone. I am in my refinement. And just being who I am...I am me. Here is to Tuesday. To today. To a turning point, which is taking more time than I would like to give it. But, Tuesday...a day of reflection, a moment of refinement. I am only me, and I am okay with that.

Monday, February 23, 2009

who am i?

I am constantly learning stuff about myself. Today is no exception. Let me explain to myself through words. Read along if you would like, but this is for me.

Today I woke up to find that I have one less follower on my family blog.

I think the thing that upsets me the most is that I could not for the life of me figure out who it is. I racked my brain, who is missing? ONE person, and I am feeling so sorry for myself.

I access my school classes from my blog, and was SOOOOO distracted by the loss of one person. So, I went back through. I come through here to get to my family blog, thinking maybe I will find a clue.

And then I find coming through here that I have lost 6 friends. 6 followers are missing. NOW I am taking it really PERSONALLY. HOW COULD I LOSE 6 FRIENDS IN ONE DAY?. ....I am thinking, what did I write. I know that I haven't paid as much attention to my followers blogs as I usually do. I am racking my brain. I am thinking there is a conspiracy out there.

I email my friend Shauna, at Trying to Stay Calm.

There is something about trying to stay calm, I am not good at it.

I tell her that I don't know what I did, but I am losing friends, they are dropping like flies. What could I have done? I know that I am pathetic and insecure, and what makes me the most sad is that I cant think of WHO is missing.

In that moment I want to find all 6 people, I want to ask forgiveness. WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT DID I WRITE?

I really should be doing my school work, but I am so distracted by this.

I am thinking; wow, I am a mess.

WHY am I a mess???

Well, lack of sleep is the first thing.

My 9 year old son, in fourth grade, lost his teacher this week. She has been out a few months due to ovarian cancer, and she lost the battle. She passed away last THursDaY. What a day. We really were not prepared to let her go. She is such an amazing person. The teacher who put her arms around me when both of my Grandmothers passed away in October. The teacher I drove with to feild trips, I regret not remembering the bits of conversation we had. But that was how she was, so real. You could talk to her about anything. She loved her kids. She was not able to ever have her own, so her school kids truly were hers. We are so sad. My son doesn't sleep well, so I sleep by him right now, which explains why I am not sleeping.

Then someone VERY close to me is going through something very awful right now. She is handling it with much more strength then I have to handle it, and she is the one going through it. I tell you, it is killing my heart.

Plus I have active depression right now. It runs in my family. Anxiety, BiPolar, Depression. You name it. And mine is over the top. So, I am chaotic, depressed, unfocused, and everyone close to me is pointing out just how much I am falling apart.

Yes, there is a great dose of good in my life. WRitiNg about it is my sanctuary. I appreciate the support that I get through my sharing. Thank you, you who read and weep with me.

So, I am trying to pick up the pieces, celebrate all that is so good, and to weep for what is not, because that is important as well.

My thoughts go back to the one. The missing followers. I regret that I don't know them for their names right now. It is a regret that is teaching me something unique.

On Saturday at my son's teachers funeral services I said a few words about this amazing elegent woman. I noted her life, and her legecy. Her way of taking you when you were broken, a mess, falling a part and making you feel that you are okay. That being who you are in whatever condition you are in, is enough. She cared about EVERYONE, the one. She would know who was missing.

So back to my family blog. I figured it out. The one missing is me. I am the follower that was lost. I am the ONE, and I count. What I went through today to figure out that it was ME all along.

I thought about what I said Saturday. You have to appreciate the people in your life. Your loved ones. In an instant life changes. You lose the ones you least expect. Life is precious, and we can NEVER take it for granted. What we have is enough. It is ours, good and bad, and we are enough. We are worth it. We count.

You count too. YOU COUNT IN YOUR LIFE, as well as mine.

I just wanted to say. I hope you are all okay. That whatever is going on in blogger world, you are still there, and okay, and know that I know you are missing. Some of you....and I hope that you come back, that your blogs are restored....I am sorry for your loss today.

I hear from Shauna that it is a blogger problem....and hope it will get worked out.

I am working on my problems. I learned a great deal about me today. I care about people. I care about how people care about me. I am insecure, I worry, I get distracted, my mind runs awry. I love people, and I love knowing how you are all doing. I am an okay person, I count, and I matter, and I was missing, have been missing in my own life, missing my own life. I have a lot of work to do, and I need to get on with it. Hope you will be here with me, as I will be with you. Hope you each have a happier day, everyday.

being made whole

"As I listened, the Spirit bore witness of the great miracles of the Atonement and the Savior's power to mend broken hearts, to heal from within. The Savior's parable of the ten lepers took on new meaning.

Luke describes Jesus meeting ten lepers. Upon seeing the Savior, they cried, 'Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.' Jesus responded: 'Go shew yourselves unto the priests.' As they went their way, they were cleansed.

One returned, fell on his face at the Master's feet, and gave thanks. Jesus said, 'Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine? And then the Lord said to the one who returned, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole' (see Luke 17:12-19).

In becoming a whole person, the grateful leper was healed inside as well as on the outside. That day nine lepers were healed skin deep, but only one had the faith to be made whole.

The tenth leper ... [was] changed eternally by [his] faith in the Savior and the healing power of his atonement.

- Merrill J. Bateman, "The Power to Heal from Within," Ensign (CR), May 1995, p.13

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Friday, February 20, 2009

100ish Reasons I love Mr. B

He loves me, He loves me not,
It matters little I am what he's got.

He helps me with the dishes.

He is dang cute.
He spends time with our kids.

He is adventurous.

He know the worst things about my childhood.

He knows the best things about my childhood.

He knows me.

He loves me.

He loves our children.

He makes 17 hour flights from Japan fun.He hates when I post this picture,
but he still loves me.

He didn't question sewing hundreds
of bells on big caterpillar dragons just
because I said it would make a difference.

He supports me in all my callings.

He works for hours on Pinewood Derby cars.

He helps the kids with their homework.

He works everyday without complaining.

He looks at me the way my
Grandpa looks at my Grandma.

Our four beautiful children.

He rubs my feet.

He reads bedtime stories to the kids.

He tucks them in to bed.

He will spend a Sunday afternoon sitting in
a department store window
with our family, reading books to the
kids, just because I thought it would
be a fun day.

He never forgets my birthday.

He makes our Anniversary special.

He will sleep under the stars with me.

He overcomes his fears
He understands mine.

He helps the kids overcome theirs.

He blesses them.

He honors his Priesthood.

He holds me when I cry.

He loves my Grandma.

He knows I miss her so MUCH.

He celebrated her life while she was alive.

He helps me remember how to overcome pain
He is the first person our kids want to hug
when they are in their MOST excited moments.

He makes holidays special.

He makes everyday a holiday.

He is patient.

He is kind.

He is thoughtful.

He is the definition of charity.

He is long suffering.

He has stuck by me through thick and thin

...for better and worse...

in sickness and in health,

till death do us part...
He loved, loves, his father.

He helps me BELIEVE in Eternity.

He lets me be grumpy.

He forgives me.

He makes me laugh, and smile, and cry, and ponder.

He sends me to see my sister. ♥
He knows why she means so much to me.

He watches the sun set with me.

He will call me from work
during the sun sets to
watch it with me over the phone,

He likes my quirky side.

He knows my favorite animals. He lets me call him turtle.

He knows my favorite places.

He takes me there.
He knows where my favorite sunrise is.

He knows my favorite place on earth.

He doesn't know it is in his arms.

He lets me be a dichotomy of myself.

He trusts me.

He lets me be who I am.

He lets me grow and change.

He doesn't live in the past.

He lives in the moment.

He is tender.

He is thoughtful.

He is kind.

He thinks more of us then of himself.

He makes life special.

He makes moments count.
He eats all the leftovers.

He takes us camping.

He shows me the world.

He makes me feel secure.

He keeps us safe.

He prays with our family.

He prays for our family.


He supports all my needs, wants, and
sometimes sillyness.

He makes me mad sometimes, but never for long.

He forgives me OFTEN.

He loves me. He loves me.
He is cuddly.

He takes our fears and teaches us faith.

He never complains about what I spend.

He works hard for us.

He smells good.

He celebrates St. Patricks Day
because it is MY favorite holiday.
He reads my ramblings.

He knows the worst things about me

and he doesn't really think
those things are all that bad.

He loves our kids.

He is there for the little things.

He is there for the big things.

He's the reason I am a mother.

Knowing him makes me want to be
a better person.

He knows my favorite tree.

He knows my favorite time of year.
He loves us.

He loves me.

rEaSONs and SeASonS!!!

101. He will cheer for the LAKERS with me...

and...He is a great GRUMPY bear Uncle.

Love you Mr. B!!!

why i write:

You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experiences.” ~Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

Thursday, February 19, 2009

ContENtionS...poor Mr. B.

Please excuse this interruption...I got moody tonight and reacted VERY poorly to some situations. I have to write to heal my goes:

CONTENTION: an act or instance of contending,

an idea or point for which a person argues, competition.

Okay, I am always dissecting words and their meanings. I find that for me the process of working through things comes from true understanding of them.

Tonight we went to an LDS Temple Open House.

I wrote on my family blog the positive highlights and infer that there are two sides to the story. [if you want an invite to my family blog, please leave your email with your comments.]

in the meantime...
This is the other side of the story.
If you aren't in the mood for a moody rambling, SKIP this and tomorrow I will post about our ANNIVERSARY celebrations. After I work a much needed forgiveness for my should be a delightful day.

I find by looking at words, you can really move mountains...

... contention, KNOWING full well that that WORD is what caused my grief tonight amidst the peace of the Temple experience.

I even dissected the experience on I-15 as we drove out there. TELLING EVERYONE ELSE THAT CONTENTION IS the awful root of DESTRUCTIVE REACTIONS that potentially can RUIN family experiences that would OTHERWISE be meaningful memories.

CONTENTION. So destructive, and truly satan's way of COMPETING with the spirit.

Let me suggest something that I discovered. Usually in any given situation which contains CONTENTION, you just have to change a little something here or there. ie: a reaction, a choice of feeling a certain way because of someone else, forgiveness, hope, peace.

When I looked up the word contention I found the word CONTENTMENT right after contention. Actually I found a lot of words surrounding contention, and none of them were as negative. In fact they included:

contemplation: the act of thinking about spiritual things: MEDITATION

contend: COMPLETE, to TRY HARD to deal with

...change one letter...

contenT: pleased, satisfied with what one has to do.

content - 2: to make content...[ ACTION], to SATISFY

content - 3: freedom from care or discomfort

contented: satisfied, or showing satisfaction with one's possessions or one's situation in life.

and FINALLY I want to get to the word: CONTENTMENT


now, i find in breaking apart these words that when you get rid of ION in contention and replace it with MENT that you have such a better SITUATION.

Here is where I have to suggest that there is two more really important words and definitions.

Tonight the Temple Presentation suggested the definition of restore as being to give back, to return and to put back to use or service. They talked about the RESTORATION of the church, the gospel, and the truth that Families can be FOREVER because the church was restored and our covenants and promises, potentials were restored to us through our Prophet. I felt peace with this.

THEN I REACTED to the contention...rather than minding my own business and peacefully appreciating the moment.

So, tonight, I looked up the word contention and found contentment right next to it.

I thought how perfectly interesting. contentment has MENT, like in the word Atonement.

I have always seen the word ATONEMENT as being AT ONE ME N be at one with me and Christ. The T is the cross, Christ's sacrifice for each one of us and when we become ONE with HIM, he heals us, he carries our burdens, he makes our forgiving others possible, and he makes our being forgiven possible.

All this restored to us through the gospel, and our belief in it. My believing.

So tonight's CONTENTIONS really take on a new light, as I pick apart...I guess I don't need to really do the complaining about each incident. In this new light those circumstances are forgiven and forgotten.

I sat down with the intention to vent my frustrations, thinking certainly that someone would read them and feel really sorry for me. Then I picked up one of my Family History's: The Bigler Heritage. I opened it to page 106, the middle of the book and read from Daniel Erins Autobiography written one year before his death [makes writing a bit of personal history mean so much more to me]:

"This has been one of the grandest experiences that any man could have--to live with a wife of 56 years. Oh, we've had lots of fights, but they were never serious. My father told me the night I was married, he said, "Now Erin, (he called me Erin, everyone else called me Daniel) I want to give you a little advice. Regardless of how much trouble you and Jenny get into, when you kneel down to pray you put your arm around each other and kiss each otheer good night. The next morning there'll be a happy rainbow for you." I never forgot that. That has been the thing, we have never failed.

The night we were married, we knelt down by the bed and thanked God for the privilege we've had this day in His House of receiving the blessings of eternal marriage. From that day til this, there's never been a night but what she and I have knelt together and prayed and thanked the Lord for our children, for our grandchildren, and all our friends and neighbors and people who've come about us, and pray that we may be able in a pleasing manner to impress them with the principles of the Gospel that has kept us clean and pure all our lives."

Okay, this is a bit long, and it is getting late. But I had to say that I am VERY grateful for the wisdom of these historical words, and the blessing of being pushed a bit to open the book and instead of complaining away my whoas finding a way to show GRATITUDE for being blessed. Contention turns to contentment. And while the problems that happened tonight are not yet resolved, and I have some forgiveness to ask for [my being really mean; REACTING, and such], I HAVE HOPE. And the tools to now move on.

TODAY, our 16th anniversary, which celebrations I was ready to THROW away, and said hurtful things to my husband, and decided to write a rampage rambling, has turned soft.

I have to say thanks to someone for commenting tonight:

"We women can be messed up emotional little things under the best of circumstances. Thank Heavens for the wonderful men that love us." ---BoyMom [she has 7 husband !!!THANK YOU BOY MOM...!!!]

This comment...made me think about my behavior. The influence we have on one another here is tremendous. Don't take it lightly, for your words made me rethink my reaction and now my actions to heal the hurt I caused will be softer.

And hopefully our 16th Anniversary will be as memorable as the many before, and we will be on our way to 56...g'nite and hugs and love to you...thanks for sharing our adventures! I am glad you are here with me!!!

Mr. B and Fairy Tale Endings...

Okay, okay....yes, one date to proposal...keeping in mind that at Cece's request I HAD to write the proposal...however there is a great deal left unsaid about our courtship.

From St. Patrick's day to shoe trees...I am reliving the moments of our falling in love.

My Mr. B.; no one could have told me that there was such a man.

I do believe that part of being so in love comes from the intense desire that I have come to know as my soul needing to believe.

I was the least of the believers in love. I still to this day CAN NOT begin to know; why ME??? Why did I get to be so lucky?

ME, who had not a clue that love could be this. Not knowing even a mothers love as a child. Not knowing a couples love from my parents example, for there was no love there.

There is now, or at least an appreciation.

I know now that my parents were young, and they didn't understand love then any more than I did. They were not really even trying to make it, and they didn't.

And if I could have sabotaged my own true love I would have. But thanks to Mr. B, thanks to him fighting for something that I was willing to give up, we have made it thus.

We have made it longer than my parents, and with my desire now to believe; in an institution of love and marriage, in my soul I do fairy tales.

Tomorrow is our anniversary....and there is much to tell.
Still dating to this day....I shall reveal...

Mr. B asks...

This part of the story won't take much to write. For in my heart most of it will stay; locked for my treasure is in that moment. I didn't know that he was going to propose. I didn't dress up. I was in my PINK boots, a warm coat, and oblivious to the beads of sweat forming on his face in the brisk cold of the evening. We had an enjoyable dinner on the top floor of the hotel at Snowbird. He then escorted me from the table, a ride in the elevator, got my door for me and we were on the road, but only for a short ride. He stopped and we walked to the balcony. The snow glisened in the moonlight, he knelt, on the cold ground, and there, in place of the sweat, a tear in his eyes, he asked. I don't really remember his exact words, for the feeling was much stronger than rhetoric. He asked, I said yes. He said something about forever...I said nothing lasts forever. But yes....I want to spend many more moments with you, my B. My best friend, my love, my passion, it was all present in that moment. Looking into his eyes, through my own tears. Tears of surprise, tears of wonder, tears of awe and inspired by his gracious and tender plea. Will you be mine? Yes, over and over. and even forever, for now my heart knows that some things do last, and Mr. B. My promise is forever with you, I do!

To my Cece: thanks for asking.
I love you and I love your daddy; Mr. B.
I do promise forever to both of you,
and even your stinky brothers.

I remember after daddy asked me we went to Grandpa and Grandma's 60th wedding anniversary, and I thought, WOW, some things do last a LONG time. And although at the time I didn't think much of Eternal Love and Marriage, I believe in it now. When you find love, let it be the kind that will last; through thick and thinning hair, through rich and poor, through the highs and lows, and truly for Eternity.

I love you! BOTH!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

is Mr. B daddy? is a good question....i guess i haven't really said that Mr. B is the man i married...

Cece has been reading our love story....and as I read a bit over her shoulder today I HOPED that some of my writing went

OVER HER HEAD. [love you Cece]

anywho...I am back to write; and by her request:

....How did daddy ask you to marry him?
for Tomorrow's edition!

Last night Cece and I had a mommy daughter sleepover...she is such an amazing little girl [12 now]; and I love spending time with her.

I will say that her daddy kicked her out of our room tonight.

He says he doesn't sleep well ALONE in her room
[which I am thankful that he still needs me];

...I am his little heater.

So...during our sleepover we watched Phantom of the Opera; her FAVORITE movie.

Actually we watched it twice... I love the music. I particularly found interest in the lyrics: All I Ask of You.

As my husband and I are about to celebrate our 16th year; sweet 16...,

I find myself reflecting on our years; our trials, our celebrations. ALL we have been through, all he has been through to stand by me, as I heal, and grow, and learn to TRULY love. And, yes, all we have been through has been worth it.

It has never been really easy. Nothing that is worth it is EVER easy.

It has been work, but he has been good to me.
ALwAyS thoughtFUL.


Three songs that are OURS; speaking of dancing...we still do; yes, I do:

Following are the lyrics to some of our songs [also for your listening pleasure I have fussed with the playlist...the top three songs are OURS;
first: by Jon Schmidt, the song I do;
which I gave to my MR. B for our 10th anniversary:

Last night, in the quiet, when our day was through,
I listened to you sleeping and stayed awake by you.
And softly, through the evening, there I spoke your name
And told you all the feelings I’ve had.

I sometimes see you sitting by the window in the hall.
Or laughing with the children at the little things you saw.
And lately I’ve been wondering if it’s all I can do
To hold you and to show you I do.

My promise is forever with you

My promise is forever. “I do.”

then, the song he gave me...: She will be Loved [Maroon 5]

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

and and for NOW;
a new song to add to our repertoire.


To dance again...our 16th dance...Mr. B.

I have a new song for you.

And yes, Cece, Mr. B is your daddy!

Lyrics to All I Ask of You: [from Phantom]
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
my words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me with you now and always...
Promise me that all you say is true
that's all I ask of you

Let me be your shelter
let me be your light
You're safe, No one will find you
your fears are far behind you...

All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me..

Then say you'll share with me
one love, one lifetime
let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you...
anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you...

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...
Share each day with me,
each night, each morning...
Say you love me...

You know I do...

Love me - that's all I ask of you
Anywhere you go let me go too
Love me - that's all I ask of you...

this is how I feel, now, in this moment and time. I am needing his shelter, from my past, from my mind, my fear, my nightmares.

He is my security, my hope, my shelter.


please B Mine!

and tomorrow: by Cece's request....HOW did Mr. B propose to me?!!!???...

Monday, February 16, 2009

Mr. B

Ahhh yes. He makes me wait for a first kiss. That one moment when you know that the person you are holding makes your heart beat swiftly, and your knees quiver. That moment when your soul decides that this person IS the other half of you; making you one whole complete person.

That moment when you put all the pieces of the puzzle in your heart together and find that the picture is perfect. It only lasts a moment, but in that one moment you know. You know that this person is the other half of your whole being. This person is the one cupid made just for you.

I had kissed a lot of boys, A LOT!!! And I knew.

That date, Mr. B seemed more nervous than usual. He was bringing me home earlier than usual. I don't really even remember where we went, those details are not as important as that first kiss.

B pulled behind the elementary school. Parked the car, and asked me to dance. Weird, I thought. Okay. So next to the yellow mustang he took me in his arms, some 80's music in the background and we danced.

It was in that moment that I first felt his heart beating against mine, almost in sync with my own. Our breathing was too like a dance. And it was also that very moment that I noticed how SHORT I am next to him.

But in that moment I realized that I am his perfect match. I fit right under his arm, as if I were made for him and he for me. He leaned, my knees shook, I looked up and felt his breath, took in a whiff of his after shave, and his lips were against mine. Softly he kissed me, and suddenly my whole life made sense. The good, the bad, the uneasy and even the sad moments. I had lived through it all to get to that moment. And I knew. This IS the boy I want to spend the rest of my moments with.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

B Mine Legend ....4

After our first date he waited oh....about 12 hours to call me. He invited me to spend the evening at his family cabin with a married couple friend of his. He told me to wear boots.....being a cowgirl I wore my cowgirl boots.


We must have hiked three miles into the cabin in 4 feet of snow. Now the roads were packed down for snowmobiles, but heaven help you if you step off the path. Which I did and sunk to my waist.

Mr. B being a perfectionist at everything was well up the path ahead of me. Lucky for me his friend stayed behind and helped me out of my hole.

Mr. B packed in a VCR [yes, the old-fashioned kind], food and snacks. When we got to the cabin, he started a fire and we watched Aliens.

Now, just for fun imagine me [LOVER of scary MOVIES] and him [NOT].

All the while he is imagining this girly girl watching the movie, cuddling in, needing his protection.

Instead let me paint you reality. Me, yawning, sleeping through the scary parts. HIM WIDE EYED, AFRAID NEARLY TO DEATH. After the movie I excused myself up to the loft to sleep. He thought I would need his protection and snuggle the night away. Little did he know.

I got up during the night, it was a gasp to see him jump up and look around scared to death from the sounds I was making in the balcony...

...he really was scared, and sleeping alone in the scary main floor of the cabin, he didn't sleep much.

I slept great. The next morning we had breakfast and then headed on our miles trek out of the woods, and home. I had a blast.

How could I have known that he would now make me wait 3 months for a first kiss. That will teach ya to leave a boy all alone, scared out of his wits, in a cabin after watching Aliens. It nearly killed me waiting for our first kiss. I was falling in love fast with this beautiful boy, and yes; Mr. B was falling in love with me!

Friday, February 13, 2009

thanks SUSAN for the Valentine!

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."
~Marjorie Pay Hinckley~

[click on the valentine to take you to Susan's blog, she is amazing. THANKS, for the love while our family is dealing with such a loss.}

THANK YOU EVERYONE, for reading, and for your support at this time. We are doing okay. After a lot of crying and holding one another, we are doing well. We feel for Mrs. Lane's family, her husband, and for the community at our childrens school who are missing her so much. I will get back to writing about Mr. B soon. He is our amazing strength right now. This pain we all are feeling, we are lucky to be feeling it together. Blessed to be a family. And thank you for being an extended part of our family. Your love and support through words is so needed, your grace, your kindness, your being so supportive!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

B Mine

Sorry to take a break from the story. My fourth grade son's teacher died this morning and I can't think of words for the next part of our love story. Possibly it could be just to speak of the tender way my husband took my son into his arms and said, "Sorry about your teacher." Or maybe it was the way his hands patted back my boys hair, and a bit of the tears that were shed as he held him in his arms; tears shed by both of my men, for losing a teacher at such a young age makes a boy grow up too fast. Then my husband picked him up, laid my little mans head on his shoulder and held him until he had cried himself out of tears. Tomorrow wont change todays event, but in time he will find his heart has gotten used to not being use to the pain, and pretty soon he will be back at school; playing with his friends, doing math, music, recess; and he won't sigh so big, and the tears wont come as often. But not tonight.

B Mine Legends - Take 3: B-stings

Wow, this adventura is morphing every day!

Thanks for coming along on our journey of LOVE.

How it began?

Well, I was dating and frivolously hanging around with quite a few different men and boys, not appropriately I might add. I was rebellious, chaotic, and having the time of my life. I had freedom, I made up my own mind, I tried not to hurt anyone but somewhere inside I was aching for something that nothing I did was fulfilling.

My foster sister and I went to school, it was a great idea of hers; I just went along with it. I went into Office Systems, she Dental Assistant. One of her instructors became a good friend of ours. When school ended we began to hang out; movies, lunch, girl stuff.

One day our friend invited us up to her parents home, when we got there she introduced us to her brother; AWWWWW, my heart skipped a beat:
The Boy Next Door.

He was so handsome and boyish. He quickly said hello and ran off to move his yellow Mustang.

About a week later he called, I answered the phone,

he asked: Is Jen there?
[WHAT!!! My sister, yes, he asked my sister out.]
My first B-sting... OUCH!

Well, the night that he came to pick her up she said,

"You can't be cute when he gets here."

I said, "Don't worry; He's a snob and a nerd, I don't want to be pretty."

SOOO I put my head in a wrap and cleaned the house until he showed up. I said to them both,
"Be home on time, be safe."
And off they went.

When they left he asked my sister, "Was that your mom?" 2nd B-STING!

They dated for about 3 months. Every time they went out he was so specific with her. I would make fun of him.
He would call and his conversations would go like so:

Hello, I have a reservation at 6:30, it is approximately 17 minutes from your home so I will pick you up at 6:13. The movie begins at 8:10, we should arrive at the theatre by 7:57. I will have you returned home by 5 to 10. BORING!!!

I mean who calculates life to such a specification.

Well, my sister and I still had girls night with our friend, his sister, while she was dating him. Sometimes he would come along. I come to a point where I really like his company. He is a nice kid. But, being my sisters MOM, I always acted so uninterested in anything about him.

He pointed out that I fell asleep during movies, and SNORED, B-sting. He spoiled my sister, of course, B-sting.
He treated her with respect, B-sting.

Everything he did was so perfect, kind, thoughtful.

BUT, my sister wasn't that into him, B-STING.

Are you KIDDING?

Well, she got engaged to another boy she was dating.

Suddenly he was available to date. Did I want to? NO, WHY WOULD I!!!

I mean he picked her because he thought she was cuter.

He picked her because I was too big of a flirt.
When he picked her up he thought I was her MOTHER.
HELLO. B-sting.

Well, as the world turned, so did the chance for us.

He called. He called and I was SOOOO OVER him.

I, like Charlie Brown and the girl with the red hair; I WAS OVER HIM SO THAT HE COULDN'T EVER BE OVER ME!!!

My red-headed Mr. B called me. He called and asked for me.

My sister said, "Yes, she's here." While I am dancing in the background saying TELL HIM I AM NOT HOME.

She then says, "Yes, she is available tonight."

I could have killed her.

I get on the phone and he says, "The symphony begins at 7pm, it takes approximately 15 minutes to park, walk and be in our seats. I would like to pick you up at 6:15. We could get ice cream afterwards and I will have you home by 10pm."

Are you kidding me??? I don't even go out until 10 pm. HOME BY TEN.

BORING!!!! The symphony....BORING.

This is going to kill me.

"Do I have to dress up?" Is all I say.

"Yes. That would be appropriate." He replys

Of course it would.

At this point I am clenching my teeth and fists at my sister.

I have a date with a nerd! B-sting!!!

Finally, after he picks me up he tells me he is so glad that I could go. He has to go to the symphony for a class he is taking, and write a paper on it. He asked every girl he knew, and even his boss if he could take his daughter. NO ONE ELSE WAS AVAILABLE.

I was the bottom of the barrel, his LAST thought.
And, after a few heated conversations while driving, controversial at best, a symphony that I tried not to snore through, a cone of ice cream and NOT EVEN A KISS GOODNIGHT, I shut the door and realize: Hmmm, I might want to marry him; he might be my boy next door.

on marriage

'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?