Tuesday, December 12, 2006

a real headache

I spent the whole entire day in bed or throwing up, with a migraine. I have never had one before and this took me by complete surprise. Actually I think that this was a perfect way to describe the pressure that I have been under for the past few weeks, like a volcano, my body finally heated up and exploded, literally. I have certainly learned a great deal from this experience. I have never experienced a debilitating headache like the one that I had yesterday. I will never make light of anyone who suffers from true migraines, nor will I suggest that I have a headache anything along those lines again. I could punch anyone who says that they have a “migraine” and is standing up. I could not function, stand, or even sleep through the pain. If I wasn’t throwing up I was in bed with an ice pack, and yet the pain never subsided. It took the whole day in bed, and even today I am still sensitive.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Personal Life Philosophy Paper

As I wrote my paper I felt really good about what I have discovered about myself. I know that I want to be a happier person and that I am the one who is in control of my personal happiness. I am more aware of my personal gratitude for my life and for what I value. This has been a truly rewarding experience. I discovered that I already have a lot of the hardware to be a positive person. I discovered that I have been given some really good, and equally bad experiences, and that those balance each other out in creating my pleasure and happiness. Recognizing that in every moment you have a choice, to become your greatest potential, or to let yourself down.

It is up to you, it is up to me.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Wednesday, Nov. 22nd

I skipped my math this morning, with the kids out of school and all I figured they could appreciate their mom being home with them. We cleaned house and wrote their talks for the Sacrament Meeting this Sunday. They each chose something really cool to talk about, Gratitude is our subject, and it was sweet to spend the time working with them.

Today was a perfect way to spend a Wednesday!!!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

today...

Today was a pretty calm day. We just spent time together; church, dinner, watching a movie. It was really nice to not have a whole lot going on, to take a breath in the midst of a crazy and consuming life. I really think the most positive thing was just being together with my family. It feels like the calm before the storm; the holidays and such coming up.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Wednesday

Do you get tired of hearing about my Wednesdays?

Another busy Wednesday. I figure this is hump day, the middle of the week, the beginning of the week is restful, and the end of the week is as well. Wednesday makes me think positively about the rest of my week. It makes me think about how if we don’t struggle through things in life we don’t appreciate the good as well. Because of Wednesday, I enjoy my entire week.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

calm before what

Cece had a play date today, it was nice for her to have someone to play with, in all the craziness of our life right now. The kids are preparing for a piano recital. I really enjoy hearing them play the piano so much. It has such a calming effect on our home.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Baby Showers and BBQs

G and Mr. B had a “baby shower” for G’s young men’s leader today. It was fun to send the boys off for their first shower. It was actually a bar-b-q, but the real idea was a baby shower. G’s girlfriend called and his sister told her that he was at a baby shower. Jake jumped in really quick to correct her that it was a bar-b-q. I thought it was pretty funny.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

growing up, no, not me, the kids!

It felt weird to get up today without the kids and go off to school. I am thankful that it is only temporary. I am not ready for the kids to be gone; life is so full with them. I really appreciate this and other opportunities I have had to be “home alone” and realize that I wouldn’t trade all the frustration and chaos for anything. This will come alone all too soon and even then I will be wishing I could go back. I am learning to enjoy them here and now. They already have grown so fast and I am sad that so much of life has passed by. I missed them as little people discovering everything new, but I love them now, and just hope the future comes along good and slow!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

What to do?

I figured it out! The kids are out of school on break this week and I am not. I had changed the whole schedule so that they could go with their aunt to the cabin overnight, so that I could still go to my classes, which made our Tuesday crazy. I never even thought of something yesterday to be positive about. I don’t think I really had a chance to think.

So for yesterday and today, the positive thing is that when you are in the moment of a hurried, blurried, situation, there always comes a break. Just pushing through will bring you to something new and oft times better. I have a couple of days now to really catch up and have some quiet time to get my homework done and focus on a few things that I have wanted to do. I always miss the kids, but they return like a storm. Today is a day for me.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

thanks

The meeting yesterday was all I expected. My kids could really feel the reverence for the flag, something they and I will never forget. I was really proud watching G help with the ceremony and be so respectful. Today G-11 has a court of honor; he is being awarded his aquaknot. This should be fun, with the older scouts.

Today I am really thankful for friends who see me struggling and help.

Monday, September 25, 2006

freedom

Today is Pack Meeting for scouting. This is my G-11’s last Pack Meeting, as he will be twelve in two days. He is helping the troop retire a flag. It will be a beautiful ceremony. They are going to talk of liberty and freedom and the flag, then play taps and do the flag burning, in respect. I think it will be a good experience for our family, especially looking toward Veterans Day in November. I try to teach them to be so courteous and respectful of the flag and America.

Friday, September 15, 2006

getting a B and a bomb at the library

Well, I didn’t fail, but I got a B, which is pretty much unacceptable for me.

I know that I need to work on my expectations of myself. Part of my responsibility for this is that I didn’t sleep at all last night. My brother, Jake, and I stayed up to 2:30 am watching movies and chatting. Then when I went to bed, Mr. B woke me up and said I need to talk. We talked till dawn.

I still thought that I could pull it off, with my test, but I missed all the easy questions and one was simply because I didn’t add correctly. I could not believe it. The professor told me not to worry about it, he even said I could still get an A out of the class, with four more tests (and you can retake two of them), but I was still disappointed because I have too high of expectations.

Jake told me not to worry about it because I will end up some day having professors who refuse to give A’s no matter how hard you try, and he said I should think of how worth it it was to talk to Mr. B because things are definitely getting better. He is right.

I also had an amazing time with him and have an idea for a magazine article from the seminar last night. I love writing.

The positive note today is that we happened to be down at the library during the bombing on the third floor. The kids were stunned, and Jake and I still have a hard time believing it happened, but we were all fine. We heard it and immediately Jake said, hey let’s get going. We didn’t know what had happened, so we just took the elevator to the top and walked down. By the time we did they had been evacuating the whole building. The kids were scared getting in to the elevator, and in hindsight, that wasn’t such a good call. S-7 sat on the floor and held his knees to his chest; I could tell he was near tears. I just grabbed his hand and told him all was well. It took us one hour to get around the block to go home once we got into the car. Crazy business, but the positive thing today, we are all well.

G-almost 12 had a soccer game. It was good to drive out there. The sunset was phenomenal. We stopped at the an old factory to take pictures. G's team won their game, he was so syked (is that a word,...really?).

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

ARGGGGGG

Mr. B is really frustrated with me and he has let me know it today. I am so worried because I can see that he is under a lot of stress at work. I have also been really difficult to him because of my stresses. I tried earlier today to get him to talk to me but he just said he is done.

Today was that way for me too. I didn’t do well on the practice test for math, and still don’t understand some of the simpler concepts. After school the kids had piano lessons, I feel like I am running a Taxi today. I haven’t had time to shower yet and feel like I am going to break. I have had neighbor moms call me to help shuttle their kids to Scouts tonight, my kids piano is going over.

The schedule today is crazy and completely unbelievable. 3:00 – pick kids up from school, 4:00 S-8’s piano lesson (my good friend sees the condition of my face – worry, stress, tired – and offers to bring up a quick dinner, I accept) 4:30 shuffle S home from Piano and get Cece-10 to her lesson, 5:15: pick up Cece (she is not done, working on her recital piece). I have to come back this way to take the neighbor boy to scouts in 15 minutes anyways. Drop him to Scouts 5:45 – Pick up Cece. See a neighbor walking home, give her a ride. Her son and my son have scouts in 20 minutes so I pick up her boy and come home to get G-12.

My neighbor is bringing my dinner over; she sees the chaos of the house in its entirety. I don’t think I have ever had such disarray going on. I know that the positive thing in this is that our lives are so full. And I should also recognize that while I was giving service to others I was also being served in return.

Sometimes we don’t feel the effects of our helping others so quickly. I am also in a lot of pain from this growth in my abdomen and need to get it looked at. My kidneys are hurting as well. I have never had to really deal with so much weird stuff going on and all the chaos on top of it...

Monday, September 11, 2006

9 - 11

September 11th… I think that today everyone will be thinking of being grateful.

I know that I began the day feeling just thankful for our safety in my little part of the world.

I am aware of so many circumstances close to us that are so devastating, and then you start to think of the circumstances of the world and the children of the world and it is another one of those overwhelming things for me. I picked my brother up at the airport, yes he flew in today, and we had a delightful time. Went to the school for J's after Kindergarten and had lunch and recess with the kids. We played kickball with the 6th graders and then I drove Jake down to stay with my older sister for a few days. She is pregnant with twins, 29 weeks along and bigger by far than I could ever imagine being while pregnant. I felt so much pain for her. I need to be working some things out to be helping her more for the next bit.

Friday, September 8, 2006

when it rains it pours

Wow, when it rains it pours. Mr. B’s work hours are killing him and me both. He did not make it off work and so...

G-12 had to do the whole evening routine with the kids. We never leave the kids alone so I was freaking out. Positive note, all is well.
The kids were great; they finished up their dinner, read books, brushed teeth, and cleaned up most of the house. If it didn’t worry me so much I would leave them more often. They were amazing, helpful, kind to each other and worked together. I was really proud of them and mostly thankful they were safe.

G had a soccer game tonight. They did okay, the team needs more work together and they will improve. This is his first year playing competition soccer and he loves it.

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

i only take half the days

Today J-6 had a hard time going off to school.
I woke him to get ready and he said to me,
“You signed me up for half days,
I only have to go half the days of school,
I don’t have to go today.”

I really laughed, now understanding
what he said to his teacher yesterday,
“No, No, I only take half days.”

Last year I was talking to him about taking full day kindergarten
and he said no way, now I get it.

If I had a choice I think I would take half the days too.


Today was busy. I had to do a room parent orientation after school from 3 – 4 pm. The kids have piano lessons from 4 – 5:30, then we have scouting after that to get to. It was such a busy day and then homework on top of that. I am not really getting my Math class at all, and can’t find time to study. I am getting really discouraged. And my 7 year old is crying when I drop him off to school, not wanting to go. Usually he is such a happy student. I am not sure what to do. Also, Mr. B is working late hours suddenly and it just feels overwhelming.

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

my last First Day of Kindergarten

First day of Kindergarten for my youngest son! I cried my eyes out (after I dropped him off, of course). He was crying and holding me so tight, like a little monkey. I couldn’t let go of him. It really was breaking my heart. Thank goodness for kissing hands (from a children’s story), and teachers who can take your child’s hand from yours when you can’t let go yourself.

Friday, September 1, 2006

today

Today I woke up feeling really ill….not normal sickness symptoms. I had a full day planned, class, PTA meeting, pick up kids from school, clean and pack, fly to Arizona with my oldest son. I ended up in a doctor’s appointment and found that I have a tumor growing. The positive thing I guess is that it wasn’t all the other scary things that I was worrying about and I can still go to Arizona for the weekend.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

thankful

Today our schedule is CRAZY…school, piano, soccer, scouts, young men’s activity, my niece sleeping over; G (12) has a bar-b-que to be to at 5 pm. I think I will be lucky to “get-er-done”.

The dog ran away. Positive thing, companion animal recovery called and she was found, just around the block. At 9:30 pm I had to take all 5 kids in their pajamas to pick the dog, up. The lady’s home and life is in worse disarray then mine. After listening to her open up to me about her problems, I am thankful for mine.

Positively thankful!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

my daughter thinks she hates me

Didn’t do so well on the English, that’s what I get for waiting, not reading the assignments carefully and rushing to accomplish. I did the work for the whole week, misunderstanding on my part. Positive note; I have the assignments for Thursday in the bag. Had a breakdown with my daughter today, she decided that she “hates me”, thankfully changing her mind and talking to me about her problem after being given time to think in her room.

Maybe that is what I need, more time alone to think in my room.

Monday, August 28, 2006

a house of order?

I have positive feelings that we will get our house in order this week. Looking ahead, if we all stay on task, we should be living in some semblance of order by Friday. I finished my math assignments and so far am getting it. Family night tonight, Mr. B planned the lesson, cool!!! I have writing assignments to do for English, waited till the last minute.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Saturday is a special day...

Didn’t get around to much of the housework today, but the kids smiled and played, and we did get time to work on their new point system for the school year, which they understand and seems to be motivating them to stay on a schedule and on task.

Positive thing: I actually slept better on Cece's floor than I have in a week in my own room listening to S’s cough (from West Nile Virus, he is 7 and has not felt well for over a week) and having up to two kids in bed with us and one on the floor.

Maybe her room is the perfect hideout for me.

Friday, August 25, 2006

on time

Today was a bit better for the running. Kids have a half day of school. They were on time, so was I. We had to be to the school by 8 am for J's kindergarten appointment and we made it. I got to class on time, had lunch with a friend, picked the kids up, avoided housework, tried to figure out my assignments for this class, to no avail, will work on it more this weekend.

The journal thing is all I have figured out so far, so I am doing it diligently. The kids are picking up on it and doing better on their journals as well, positive. I am having a sleepover with my 9 year old daughter in her room tonight. Tomorrows positive thing will depend on the amount of sleep we get on her tiny couch folded onto the floor watching movies and eating way too much junk food.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

back to school

Today I was 10 minutes late to my English course. The positive thing in this was that parking was not the problem but that I went to the wrong building, twice. I kept thinking that I had in my memory what building and room that I was suppose to be in, but I was wrong. After wishing that I would wake from my apparent nightmare and then checking to be sure that I had put clothes on (not showing up to school the first day in you underwear nightmare). I looked in my bag at my hand scribbled schedule and ran to the right building, correct classroom, and looked into the face of my teacher for the quarter, who I have had for a previous course, and called attention to me being late, which brought on some discussion as to why I was late and then his introduction of his expectations and that being on time is pretty much required. I knew it wasn’t a really big deal, but I am a compulsive perfectionist and for me it seemed to really blow my personal expectations. On the positive side, I had found a great parking space, and I made it on time for the rest of the days events, i.e. picking kids up from school, soccer, piano, the usual stuff for Thursday. (I just realized that I wrote Tuesday as the day, Tuesday after Wednesday, only part of my brain is functioning right now, so I will leave that alone as well as yesterday’s grammatical blunders.)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

my beginnings

Where do I come from?

I come from a small town, a broken home, a lot of tlc to bind wounds of abuse.
I am now a grown woman, raising children of my own in the best way I know how.

What do I do?

I play with my kids, I chauffeur them, I cook, clean, laugh, cry.
I go to school because when I grow up I want to be done with college.
I hope to be a lawyer someday, but first I'll be a mommee.

Why do I blog?

It started when I took a class. I had to journal everyday.
I loved the feedback, I became a new me by listening to others input. I love writing.

actually I don't know.

but, Here goes!

on marriage

'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?