healing - the end of crazy

most of my writing is upbeat, and off the subject of anything serious.

as i read my last rambling about crazy,
i realized that this was some
pretty heavy material.

Not timid, not light.

real stuff.

so i decided that i needed to write for myself today. Sunday.

My mom, me, who am i really, and am I healing?

Because of you...

as i listen to kelly clarkson's song

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break

"It's about the cycle of families, like you act how your parents acted towards you and then your kids act how you acted towards them, and it's all about breaking that cycle if it was a bad one [...] It's one of those songs that everybody's kind of gonna relate to, but you're not happy about that. It's very close to home [for me].

I OK'd it with my family and everything because they think it's important, because we're obviously very different now than we were when we were younger. And it's important for people to see that raw kind of emotion that happens in life. It sucks sometimes, so it's important to see that I think." [kelly clarkson, mtv news]

Like she says, raw emotion that happens in life.

It sucks sometimes....

I get that.

So here I am, trying to sort out me, who I am, and who I intend to become.

for now this explains it.

I am trying to break the cycle.

I am trying to make life more about who I plan to become,

and less about who and where I have come from.

thanks for the cyber support.

you give me smiles, everyday...

now I plan to go read with my kids.

call me crazy, part 2

i spent the day with my mom on Friday,
she is better known as granny crazy.
like getting a blog award, this is hers.

it's hard work to earn crazy.

proof is in an appointment that she had.
even with all the history of being a crazy lady, she couldn't pull it off.
leaving the appointment she was told that she was

too sane to pull off crazy.

none of us is too sane to pull off crazy, seriously.

i don't get it.
my whole life has been a sham,
thinking that i was raised by a crazy lady; (we talked about if Friday)
for me, her being crazy explained everything.

Now I don't know what to do.

her being crazy was the only way i could accept my past,

i could forgive, i could put into perspective the abuse and abandonment.

Now what?

knowing that reality is that i have the past that i do, the memories, the insecurities...

and now knowing that she was normal enough to be responsible.

okay, mom, love and forgiveness, but seriously.

Can't you be crazy anyway?

that way i can be excused for my own crazyness,
"it runs in the family"....

or maybe it doesn't

who am i anyway?
i am me, and okay with being me. and i am okay with her.

call me crazy, part 1

today i stumbled upon a plea for blogs that need stalking.
i submitted a blog that i think is wonderful.

I got a response from Nicole:

"thanks for visiting my blog (Mormon Blog Stalker)! I have the Women Doing More button on the side under other sites to stalk.

I'm glad you recommended it cuz I got to check out your blog, too, and add it to my blog list! Love your blog!!!"

Thank you Nicole, glad to be stalked by you.

And so, here I am laughing,
laughing at myself,
laughing at my layers,
laughing at my blog fatalities - because I have so many to laugh at.

Here's the deal:

I was actually on the Women Doing More site,
and I saw the Mormon Blog Stalker.

I thought Blog Stalker, that's interesting.

I said to myself,

self: you have so much to do, laundry, dishes, vacuuming,
but here is a Blog Stalker
- you have to check it out.

Get to the site, and there is a plea.

Of course, being that I am a Woman Doing More,
>

I can't leave her to her plea without responding.

Got to think of a blog, some blog out there worth a recommend for stalking.

What comes to mind....of course, Women Doing More, a worthy cause.

Aren't I so thoughtful?

Feeling so good about myself, I had done a good thing here.

Women Doing More will have more traffic, More Women to do More!!!!

Yeah, point for me.

...after a bit of dishes, a bit of vacuuming, avoiding the laundry i decided to check in on my relentless homework. My computer tells me I have a fan, someone read me.

I have to find out who....

And there it is, this absurd blog fatality, leaving me in stitches.

Can you believe my mind today? Those of you who know me well get to comment on that one.

So, for the sake of all us moms, manic or not,

I am publicly posting my comment to Mormon Blog Stalker.

...because I think that someone besides myself should be laughing at me

(my split personalities don't count in this case.)

public commenting: (my reply to blog stalker)
"yes, that would be me today....my mind.

actually, even more embarrassing is that i stumbled upon your blog through the Woman Doing More site.

i just didn't want to admit it right away.

but....for the benefit of all moms losing their minds [or not]...i did.

i recommended a blog that you already stalk that i accessed your blog through.

i guess that just means that good blogs think alike!

i think i will go eat a gallon of ice cream...or iscream, as my kids call it.

BLOG THAT!"

Road Trip

Road trips are so fun.

Talking, sightseeing, relaxation....
when someone else is driving, thanks Kev.

I love talking about words. R words r my favorite.

Taking about the words recalcitrant rebellions;

my niece said: Who me?

I guess it runs in the family.

Defining Utopia

Utopia; a book that I have read, pondered, digested, analyzed, loved. The idealistic society; in the imagination of Sir Thomas More in 1516 as he poetically describes a fictional island somewhere, nowhere. Unrealistic then, unrealistic now, although impossible to achieve, can it be discovered, somehow, within a willing subject? Can I discover it within myself?

My Utopia, has a star shining day and night. Looking over me in my plight. My perfect place, my existence within the world, as it is, but not of the world.

Like More's Utopia, I dream of a place, a perfect place, a beautiful society. Where equality reigns, and poverty, pain, and misery are impossible. Society's evils, as we know them, do not exist. There are not wars, and jealousy is fiction. Where people live by the law of tolerance, and love. Where someone would be there to wipe a tear, before it landed upon the grass. Where an entire society stood to celebrate each other as opportunities and achievements were granted and earned. Where one did not feel as though another was competing for the beloved spot of a father's love.

Is my idyllic hope lost in our world today? Am I seeking for a paradise which on this earth does not exist?

My Utopia is in acceptance, of me with all my mistakes, of my need to be listened to. My desire to make a bit of difference in my community. My hope to help someone who desperately needs something just to make it through today; through the next meal.

My Utopia is in the smile between two people who are in love, and have fallen into love through times of trial, hardship, happiness, and endurance.

One Week Vacation

This morning was my last morning before my week off "work" as mother/wife/negotiator/chauffeur/cook/maid/friendship-advisor/sock-specialist/gardener/counselor/nurse/artist/geologist/historian/lunch-lady/teacher/banker/hair-stylist/administrator/designer/repair-person/zoo-keeper/back-rub-specialist/manicurist/math-writing-tutor/dishwasher/dog-walker/fund-negotiator/student/manners-reminder/mate/muse/coach, I think ... works well here, ...

"In a culture that measures worth and achievements almost solely in terms of money the intensive work of rearing responsible adults accounts for little." -Ann Crittenden

I would concede that the world does possibly measure motherhood worth but when did I begin to care what how the world measures something that I take delight in; something that is measured in the peace and comfort, the simple look in my childrens eyes, the feel of their arms around my neck, and making room on my lap for them to snuggle is my measurement. No matter if I do the job less than adequate, no matter if I fail again and again in the area of patience, no matter if I am "late" for work because I can't seem to pull myself out from under the comfort of the covers. My "work", my children, are more than happy to join me under those covers, and some of the best work is done with them in the comfort of my arms, as together, we waken to join the ranks of the motherhood business that day.

I prefer the following philosophy: "We at Mother: The Job know that Mothers are the mighty engine behind the human workforce that fuels the economy, as well as the nucleus of our society’s integrity. We embrace mothers in the workplace and mothers at home, advocating change in social policy and in the corporate culture so that mothers and their families can thrive.

The message products designed at Mother: The Job show the undeniable social and economic value of the care giving work and labor of mothers. We know that by raising her child from infancy to adulthood, and that child’s productivity in the marketplace and in society thereafter, she is a producer of “human capital” and of the good citizen as well."

So the world will be richer because of mothers, even if we take a week off the "job" from time to time. Warning: Next year will be my 15th year at the job, I plan to bump my time off up to two weeks. Fair?? I guess it is when you make the rules for your own employment. And I will be better at the job because I always can't wait to be back at it; refreshed, with the desire to do it better than ever.

Mothers have a special place in their children’s lives because of the bondage that starts from pregnancy and develops through childhood, youth, and adolescence. A mother’s involvement with her children is unique and different because there is a strong emotional and social bonding occurring in between. Bonding with children comes only with a day-to-day unconditional love and care of the family. We need to recognize the inextricable strong link that exists between the mothers and the welfare of the whole family including the father and children. Every thing is well if the mother is well in the household. A Jewish proverb says, “God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers.”

To be back in my special place, their lives, and honeys arms. I will look forward to next Wednesday, but for now, I am off...to pack, take the kids to the orthodontist, clean, wash sheets, carpool - oh wait, I drive everyday, Piano, Scouts, Football, Young Men's, write notes to everyone, get each their sweet treat to leave under their pillow, shower, and be to the airport by .... 6!!! Yikes, I better get.

do you ever feel like burnt toast?

Do you ever feel like you are burnt toast?
Literally. Cooked too long and useful to no one.

I learned today that if you scrape the burn off, then the toast actually tastes pretty good. Why I bothered to do that, rather than just making a fresh piece of toast would take too long to explain.

And truth is, the scraping really makes a mess. My life. Scraping the burn off is really making a mess.

I wonder if it is worth it.

blobs and blogs

Okay, time to re-enter the world of sharing what little sense I have about life.

I love life. I have had some of the most awful experiences, which means that my most wonderful experiences are even sweeter than most. My tears have been full of salt and sweet. I have loved and laughed, and landed on my feet.

I have written books, burned them, paid way too much for therapy, and gone back to school.

Now I find myself discovering what all the broken pieces laying at my feet mean; and I have found that when I choose how to put the puzzel together I like what I see before me.

I am a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a grand-daughter, a student, a lover, a future lawyer, and I like me. I have a past, but more important I have a future.

I like dancing in the rain, watching movies, going out with my man, taking pictures, reading, watching football, art and music of all kinds, especially drawing/painting/photography, traveling, Fish Lake, native people, history, family home evening, playing games with my kids. I love writing. I have one publication, which honors my grandparents. I don't like war, but I understand it's necessity. I love politics, and don't like government.
I am my own dichotomy; in so many ways. I am getting to know me.

my daughter thinks she hates me

Didn’t do so well on the English, that’s what I get for waiting, not reading the assignments carefully and rushing to accomplish. I did the work for the whole week, misunderstanding on my part. Positive note; I have the assignments for Thursday in the bag. Had a breakdown with my daughter today, she decided that she “hates me”, thankfully changing her mind and talking to me about her problem after being given time to think in her room.

Maybe that is what I need, more time alone to think in my room.

Saturday is a special day...

Didn’t get around to much of the housework today, but the kids smiled and played, and we did get time to work on their new point system for the school year, which they understand and seems to be motivating them to stay on a schedule and on task.

Positive thing: I actually slept better on Cece's floor than I have in a week in my own room listening to S’s cough (from West Nile Virus, he is 7 and has not felt well for over a week) and having up to two kids in bed with us and one on the floor.

Maybe her room is the perfect hideout for me.