Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Too Tuesday!

Get over it. That is what I keep hearing in my life.

I have always been a pretty happy person.
Strong for everyone around me.

I guess that while I have a hard time I don't get the support card.

I get the Get Over It card.

My sister reminded me of my brothers best advice ever:

It was that if you start as a slacker no one expects anything from you.

...if you do a good job that is what everyone ALWAYS expects from you,
if you do a mediocre job that is what is expected of you.

If you start out as a slacker and just keep it up, that is all that is expected of you. ...best advice I have ever heard.

Okay, so if I have a bit of an edge today let me explain.

I have always tried to support people around me.

I naturally love many people, and try to be there for them.

Right now I have taken a break from my being ME. I am allowing myself the time to grieve, to feel the pain, and to deal with what I am feeling. And it is not going well for the people around me.

Maybe I am taking TOO much time.

I know that for people close to me in my life they are TIRED of seeing me hurting and want me to just GET OVER IT.

So, for my anniversary I had an enjoyable day with my hubby and we spent the time with the kids. It was a pretty good day and a GREAT reminder of where I am right now and what I CAN work on.

I have a story:


My grandparents have a willow tree. It has been the place I loved to be as a child. To hang on the willows, swing and play in the branches. The tree is a beautiful tree. I love trees. As a little girl you could hide among the branches. Make under the tree your hide out. It was my favorite place to be.

The picture above is my daughter, Cece, in the branches of the tree. The place that became each of my childrens favorite place. As soon as we pulled up they loved to run to the tree, swing in the branches, and their imaginations took over as they made under the tree their hideout.

Problem is that as you get older you don't really have a hide out anymore.

Even trying to HIDE OUT, like for me right now, doesn't work out. PEOPLE FIND YOU, and they don't like the condition they find you in, and they buy you self help books, tell you to get over it, and grow up, and that you aren't really hurting THAT bad, and that you are ruining everyone life around you. REALLY, EVERYONES LIFE IS RUINED because I am feeling what I am feeling.

Seriously. So, if I had taken the advice of my brother and been a slacker, EVERYONE around me would be fine.


okay, that was edgy. Sorry.

Back to the willow tree.

I loved the willow tree. Loved, yes, we lost the willow tree this year too. So, two grandmothers, a grandpa, and a teacher. My mind, my heart is aching, and my soul feels a loss.

And I am trying to GET OVER IT. REallY I am. It is not like I want to be a big baby about it. But this is where I am.

So, Sunday in the lesson at church we were talking about the Principle of Compensation. An interesting principle. And I was thinking, What do I know about this principle?

What do I know about losing something and knowing that it can be and will be made up to you.


I know this because I believe that while I am hurting a great deal right now, I hurt because I loved. Because what I lost really meant something to me.

And I am okay to hurt. I really am not doing that bad.

Losing the Willow Tree was the last straw, or branch.

It was like, you have GOT to be kidding me. ALreaDY hurting at the loss of my beloved Grandmothers, then to loose Uncle Bill, the man who was like another Grandpa. Then to loose a school teacher, the people who are there NO MATTER WHAT, and always together, and pick up the pieces, and hold your kids and family together.

And then the TREE. I remember watching the man take it down. And watching my kids....so strong and just dealing with it. Yes, they were sad, but being great kids, they just collected a bit of the wood, and being adventurous, they found other trees to climb in, safely tucked in the branches of the apple trees, watching their beloved tree come down.

The tree was old. It was it's time to go.

So what comes of loss.

That is what I am pondering today. That is the thought that I had on Sunday.

I believe that God will make more of us than we can make of ourselves. When we turn our lives over to him, he does amazing things with us. But it begins by trusting, by faithfully truly turning our lives, our pains, our trials over to him. And not taking it back. Not changing our minds and saying: Oops, lost my mind for a minute, let me do it alone.

The Principle of Compensation. Taking something, losing something, and getting something better in return. From loss can come beauty, and refinement. We learn the most at times when we are hurting.

I must be learning a lot right now.

So, for my anniversary my husband took me to breakfast. He had a little bag covered in XOXOXO's. He handed me the bag. He said. I know how much you love your Grandmother, and how much you miss her right now. I know how much the willow tree meant to you.

I open the bag and there is a little wooden plate. A plate made from the pieces of the Willow Tree. The Principle of Compensation. In my hands.

I look deeper in the bag. Two journals. "for writing your feelings", and a bit deeper a pen and pencil box. Inside the most beautiful crafted pen and pencil, made from the Willow Tree.

He says, "I know you miss your Grandmother, and you miss the willow tree. I know you LOVE to write. So write, and heal and know that from loss can come something truely beautiful and amazing. What is amazing is you. What I see you becoming, and hopefully as you hold that pen, and write your stories, you will see it too."

Okay, Mr. B. You had me at our first kiss, our first date, our first St. Patricks day, and the moment I saw shoe trees in your closet. But today. YOU HAVE ME MORE.

I do believe that God will take our pains, our losses and make more of us than we can ever make of ourselves. I am thankful to have amazing people in my life. I will take the advice, the hurt, even the comments that are not nice right now. And I will make something really great of all of this. If I have hurt you, please know that I am working through some stuff. Let's have lunch. Come pull me out of bed, and cry a bit with me. Maybe trying to understand what is going on inside me will help you to not be so hurt by my behavior right now. I am like the Willow Tree. Being rotten on the inside, but having some good left. I am finding the good and what I can do with it. I don't mean to hurt anyone. I am in my refinement. And just being who I am...I am me. Here is to Tuesday. To today. To a turning point, which is taking more time than I would like to give it. But, Tuesday...a day of reflection, a moment of refinement. I am only me, and I am okay with that.


KC Mom said...

Thanks for helping me reflect on tuesday too.
What a great story.

Jillene said...

What a powerful post. I am sitting here crying because I think it was meant for me. I am glad that I came out of hiding today--thank you for sharing--thank you for being so real--thank you for letting me know that I am NOT alone!!

devri said...

That is a great story..

But lady.. Funny thing about life is... Everyone has to do it for themselves.. yOur husband can give support, but you have to do it. Let you go through the steps, and you too will come around. Faith.. is the first step.. Then trust...in my own opionon. I wish I lived by you, i'd come over and cry with you. Take it easy.. I see the good in you!

Shauna said...

You are precious and beautiful my friend! Chin up and know you are l♥ved very much! ♥ Hugs!

CaJoh said...

My wife says the same thing when it comes to expectations. I am so glad that you can share your pain in such an interesting way. Even though you are hurting, others may not be— so look to them for stability and regain your footing so you can dance the dance of life.

Boy Mom said...

Feeling ya girl, hang in there!

LeShel said...

1427.17, let's do lunch! I'm game for a long distance conversation and food in front of each of us.

Heatherlyn said...

Your post is beautiful. Your husband's gift is beautiful.

I "got" your edge. I appreciated the irony.

You know, I spent several years being very unhappy. Grieving over the loss of something I felt I deserved, or at least wanted, and not being able to be happy with all the blessings that I had. It was ME. It was a hard process. Looking back, I wish I could have just GOTTEN OVER IT sooner. Put things in perspective much much more quickly. I compounded my own misery by being miserable! But I was learning, a lot.

Some of the great philosophers believe that in order to be truly Christian, in order to actually grow, that we have to suffer. I'm so not for suffering. But as much as it might be true, I hope that something really beautiful and wonderful comes from it all. I love the principle of compensation that you talked about. I hope with all my hope that it is true!

Mina said...

I think it's wonderful to see all of the insight you are gaining about yourself and the gospel through your trials. Of course it's not fun. But I'm not sure we're meant to just "get over it" If you did, you wouldn't be growing the way you clearly are now.

What a wonderful gift from your husband.

colleen said...

Do something for yourself and your kids in memory of everyone and everything you lost....plant another willow tree. Watch it grow as your children do and feel the healing in yourself as the roots grow deep into the earth, finding it's own place and peace.

That Girl in Brazil said...

Strong, powerful words, lady.

I have a few of my own: depression and grieving, surviving abuse and re-discovering self are not things that you can "just get over." It takes time, love, patience, and the Atonement - something that does not come with an expiration date.

Take all the time you need. We're here for you.

Andrea said...

This is a beautiful post.

Seeker said...

Your story touched my heart deeply. I wish i could help you with some wise words and a good cry. We each must reflect in our own way and time.

I agree with Colleen...plant another willow tree and watch it grow as you and your family grow.

Shadow said...

hey honey, i can't begin to tell you how often hubby's said to me 'get over it'. and the simple truth is just. i'll be over it when I'M over it, not when someone else wants me to be. love ya and hang in there. there is a end to everything, even the bad...

on marriage

'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?