As I was lying with B a couple of nights ago I had a sort of epiphany moment. My brain was firing; part of the disease of depression, which usually makes it so that I can not sleep. I lie awake with so much on my mind that I feel my spirit is suffocating, and I don't know how to find relief.
Lying in B's arms I gently nudged him. Sometimes I can arouse him, yes, I mean arouse. [If this is painful to read, come back tomorrow, I won't be as blunt. But I HAVE to get this down in words, it is so meaningful to me.]
My Mr. B is an amazing person. I love to be with him. I haven't always been this way. I use to cringe at his touch. Not because of anything he has done.
He has always been patient and kind.
I was abused; severely, as a child. This abuse was sexual in nature, as well as
emotional, mental, physical elements of abuse. And the worse part was the abandonment because of the abuse. To be left because I finally had the guts to say NO MORE is possibly the part that I struggle with the most.
Hence, having problems for much of my married life with intimacy. So for me to say that I love to be with my husband, is a huge step for me, and
He has been patient, through my years of healing, and when I am not all the way there, he gives me the space to work through it, again.
That said, I needed him. I needed his touch, the comfort of being together and knowing that he loves every part of me, of who I am. That tenderness that comes as two people become one.
Amazing, and very necessary as part of a marriage.
[Remember that I didn't always have this or feel this way.]
My poor husband, first dating me, had a girl who thought men were ALL just perfectly crappy and worthless, only in relationships for one thing and abusive at best. I had no intention on falling in love, or being with him long term.
It was temporary. In fact, being LDS, we believe in marriage eternal, I would NOT marry him in the temple. [see my marriage disclaimer in the sidebar]
I told him nothing lasts forever, why set yourself up for disappointment and failure. Just for now is fine, and we will deal with the rest as it comes along.
Somehow I got stuck in my head that our marriage would not last any longer than my parents; 15 years.
So this year, sweet 16, and sweet 16 years living in the same place. I feel truly passionate about the love I have been mysteriously blessed with, and the security I finally have. Boy have I ever fought against it.
Having this beautiful and amazing moment with him, and lying in his arms, the musky smell of his cologne intoxicating my senses. I begin to finally drift to sleep and he quietly says: Girl, I love you.
It was all I needed. He wasn't more eloquant, not words of the flowery substance, just a simple gesture of love, which I am sure he thought I may have not even heard in my early sleep. But I did. And B, back attcha: Boy, I love you.
I love your smell, I love your touch, I love your sensitive side, I love your patience. I love you! Thanks for loving me, even the broken parts of me, and for being YOU. YOU are my Mr. B. A modern legend, a sweet surprise, in a world of chaos. Being loved by you is making me a better person.