Tuesday, February 10, 2009

B Mine Legends - Take 2

I was thinking when this rhetoric challenge began that I wanted to share one specific instant in our marriage. Among the excerpts that you will given during the next couple of weeks, in celebration our life together, this is in the forefront; so I might as well write it now, and get to the point.

As I was lying with B a couple of nights ago I had a sort of epiphany moment. My brain was firing; part of the disease of depression, which usually makes it so that I can not sleep. I lie awake with so much on my mind that I feel my spirit is suffocating, and I don't know how to find relief.
Lying in B's arms I gently nudged him. Sometimes I can arouse him, yes, I mean arouse. [If this is painful to read, come back tomorrow, I won't be as blunt. But I HAVE to get this down in words, it is so meaningful to me.]

My Mr. B is an amazing person. I love to be with him. I haven't always been this way. I use to cringe at his touch. Not because of anything he has done.

He has always been patient and kind.

I was abused; severely, as a child. This abuse was sexual in nature, as well as
emotional, mental, physical elements of abuse. And the worse part was the abandonment because of the abuse. To be left because I finally had the guts to say NO MORE is possibly the part that I struggle with the most.

Hence, having problems for much of my married life with intimacy. So for me to say that I love to be with my husband, is a huge step for me, and

tremendously healing.


He has been patient, through my years of healing, and when I am not all the way there, he gives me the space to work through it, again.


That said, I needed him. I needed his touch, the comfort of being together and knowing that he loves every part of me, of who I am. That tenderness that comes as two people become one.

Amazing, and very necessary as part of a marriage.

[Remember that I didn't always have this or feel this way.]



My poor husband, first dating me, had a girl who thought men were ALL just perfectly crappy and worthless, only in relationships for one thing and abusive at best. I had no intention on falling in love, or being with him long term.

It was temporary. In fact, being LDS, we believe in marriage eternal, I would NOT marry him in the temple. [see my marriage disclaimer in the sidebar]

I told him nothing lasts forever, why set yourself up for disappointment and failure. Just for now is fine, and we will deal with the rest as it comes along.

Somehow I got stuck in my head that our marriage would not last any longer than my parents; 15 years.

So this year, sweet 16, and sweet 16 years living in the same place. I feel truly passionate about the love I have been mysteriously blessed with, and the security I finally have. Boy have I ever fought against it.

Having this beautiful and amazing moment with him, and lying in his arms, the musky smell of his cologne intoxicating my senses. I begin to finally drift to sleep and he quietly says: Girl, I love you.

It was all I needed. He wasn't more eloquant, not words of the flowery substance, just a simple gesture of love, which I am sure he thought I may have not even heard in my early sleep. But I did. And B, back attcha: Boy, I love you.

I love your smell, I love your touch, I love your sensitive side, I love your patience. I love you! Thanks for loving me, even the broken parts of me, and for being YOU. YOU are my Mr. B. A modern legend, a sweet surprise, in a world of chaos. Being loved by you is making me a better person.

16 comments:

Shadow said...

oh man, you are one special girl you! and have a husband worth more than gold.

colleen said...

I can so relate to everything you said. I too "checked out" at times when intimate with my DH, the past has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect or want it. My DH was also very patient and helpful with my overcoming that obstacle. Who needs flowery words when a quiet whispered I love you is so much more meaningful. Begin by loving and forgiving yourself, for it wasn't your fault, and anything is possible...

Boy Mom said...

Love this! I wasn't abused yet managed to bring enough guilt and shame into our relationship to drive any man over the edge. Thanks so much for sharing your beautiful feelings and the love for your amazing man.

I am, perhaps, somewhat prejudiced; but, I think the male species is wonderful.

♫ Spasm ♫ said...

beautiful way to open up and let people in on a private part of yourself. I know this will help others. You are indeed very blessed!

LeShel said...

I confess I also think Mr. B is a wonderful man. Let him know I love him and I'm glad he's got you and you've got him.

Heatherlyn said...

I'm glad you shared. I think it is appropriate to sometimes discuss the fact that physical intimacy is a very important part of marriage and a lot of people struggle with it. I am so happy for you that you have overcome so much and are able to enjoy that "oneness" that is perhaps one of the greatest things in life.

devri said...

You sound like you have a keeper!

The Hoyt's said...

Very nicely said...

Mama Zen said...

This is a beautiful, beautiful post.

Barbaloot said...

Congrats on 16!!
And thanks for your comment on my blog:)

Amber said...

Awesome. There's not many things I'd rather do than "be" with my husband. He, on the other hand, isn't really that into it. So I have to settle for other ways of intimacy.

That Girl in Brazil said...

This brought tears to my eyes.

I'm so glad you've "figured things out" and can truly enjoy marriage the way its supposed to be.

Have you read "And They Were Not Ashamed"? You should.

Andrea said...

I love this. Thanks for sharing these moments. :)

rachel said...

Another beautiful post! When you write, I feel. Your words are a living, breathing thing. Do you write poetry by chance? You must...

Boy Mom said...

#7 has spoken, your letter is C.

Enjoy!

Wendyburd1 said...

I am glad you found a guy who could make you believe in love and happily ever afters. I have a feeling that is what is in your future.

on marriage

'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?