Monday, February 23, 2009

who am i?

I am constantly learning stuff about myself. Today is no exception. Let me explain to myself through words. Read along if you would like, but this is for me.

Today I woke up to find that I have one less follower on my family blog.

I think the thing that upsets me the most is that I could not for the life of me figure out who it is. I racked my brain, who is missing? ONE person, and I am feeling so sorry for myself.

I access my school classes from my blog, and was SOOOOO distracted by the loss of one person. So, I went back through. I come through here to get to my family blog, thinking maybe I will find a clue.

And then I find coming through here that I have lost 6 friends. 6 followers are missing. NOW I am taking it really PERSONALLY. HOW COULD I LOSE 6 FRIENDS IN ONE DAY?. ....I am thinking, what did I write. I know that I haven't paid as much attention to my followers blogs as I usually do. I am racking my brain. I am thinking there is a conspiracy out there.

I email my friend Shauna, at Trying to Stay Calm.

There is something about trying to stay calm, I am not good at it.

I tell her that I don't know what I did, but I am losing friends, they are dropping like flies. What could I have done? I know that I am pathetic and insecure, and what makes me the most sad is that I cant think of WHO is missing.

In that moment I want to find all 6 people, I want to ask forgiveness. WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT DID I WRITE?

I really should be doing my school work, but I am so distracted by this.

I am thinking; wow, I am a mess.

WHY am I a mess???

Well, lack of sleep is the first thing.

My 9 year old son, in fourth grade, lost his teacher this week. She has been out a few months due to ovarian cancer, and she lost the battle. She passed away last THursDaY. What a day. We really were not prepared to let her go. She is such an amazing person. The teacher who put her arms around me when both of my Grandmothers passed away in October. The teacher I drove with to feild trips, I regret not remembering the bits of conversation we had. But that was how she was, so real. You could talk to her about anything. She loved her kids. She was not able to ever have her own, so her school kids truly were hers. We are so sad. My son doesn't sleep well, so I sleep by him right now, which explains why I am not sleeping.

Then someone VERY close to me is going through something very awful right now. She is handling it with much more strength then I have to handle it, and she is the one going through it. I tell you, it is killing my heart.

Plus I have active depression right now. It runs in my family. Anxiety, BiPolar, Depression. You name it. And mine is over the top. So, I am chaotic, depressed, unfocused, and everyone close to me is pointing out just how much I am falling apart.

Yes, there is a great dose of good in my life. WRitiNg about it is my sanctuary. I appreciate the support that I get through my sharing. Thank you, you who read and weep with me.

So, I am trying to pick up the pieces, celebrate all that is so good, and to weep for what is not, because that is important as well.

My thoughts go back to the one. The missing followers. I regret that I don't know them for their names right now. It is a regret that is teaching me something unique.

On Saturday at my son's teachers funeral services I said a few words about this amazing elegent woman. I noted her life, and her legecy. Her way of taking you when you were broken, a mess, falling a part and making you feel that you are okay. That being who you are in whatever condition you are in, is enough. She cared about EVERYONE, the one. She would know who was missing.

So back to my family blog. I figured it out. The one missing is me. I am the follower that was lost. I am the ONE, and I count. What I went through today to figure out that it was ME all along.

I thought about what I said Saturday. You have to appreciate the people in your life. Your loved ones. In an instant life changes. You lose the ones you least expect. Life is precious, and we can NEVER take it for granted. What we have is enough. It is ours, good and bad, and we are enough. We are worth it. We count.

You count too. YOU COUNT IN YOUR LIFE, as well as mine.

I just wanted to say. I hope you are all okay. That whatever is going on in blogger world, you are still there, and okay, and know that I know you are missing. Some of you....and I hope that you come back, that your blogs are restored....I am sorry for your loss today.

I hear from Shauna that it is a blogger problem....and hope it will get worked out.

I am working on my problems. I learned a great deal about me today. I care about people. I care about how people care about me. I am insecure, I worry, I get distracted, my mind runs awry. I love people, and I love knowing how you are all doing. I am an okay person, I count, and I matter, and I was missing, have been missing in my own life, missing my own life. I have a lot of work to do, and I need to get on with it. Hope you will be here with me, as I will be with you. Hope you each have a happier day, everyday.


rachel said...

I lost a follower today too! I don't have very many to begin with, so I knew right who it was...I'm sorry it's such a hard time for you. Writing is very therapeutic and you have such a GIFT for it :)

Real Mom, Real Life said...

Thank you for this candid post. I was very touched. BTW, I lost followers today too. It stings a little.

Shawn said...

You have so many followers, that one or two or even six shouldn't worry you.

It's hard to be rejected. It kind of goes back to the high school thing---how we all want to be popular.

I know...I don't have very many people that read my blog, but I try to deal with it...I just try to get excited when I get just ONE new person that reads it---that said---thanks for stopping by.

You made my day...

si tu veux said...

yeah...i guess the truth is that i was worried about what I did. and why so many at one time. now I feel bad thinking about what the people who are gone have lost with bloggers problems today. i feel so bad for them. it does sting because it is hard to not take personal...your blog is such a personal part of you. like my husband says...what do you really NEED to be putting out there. what I write is generally my guts.

that said, i came to the realization today that I don't want to take anyone for granted, EVER. I know I won't be able to totally control that all the time, but being aware of it I hope to be better at appreciating the amazing people who choose to be a part of my life.

thanks everyone.

Heatherlyn said...

Oh, don't you know, blogger is having a technical problem with followers today. Really. A couple of bloggers have posted about it. Blogger put some followers from public to anonymous. So, unless they realize it and put you back to public they will still be following your blog but will not show up as a follower. Once I knew I went to manage the blogs I follow and sure enough I had been put to anonymously follow one of them. I switched it back. So, it is NOTHING PERSONAL. BLOGGER IS HAVING ISSUES!

I'm also really glad you have an outlet in your blog. It is so helpful to be able to write about our struggles!

It is a gift to feel deeply with people. Your compassion toward your freind is commendable. But sometimes it is harder to watch someone go through something than be the one going through it.

Hang in there!

Sher said...

st a few followers this week, too. I don't know why, but apparently, someone is cleaning up shop.
I know how you feel with being depressed, and anxiety. I have so been there. I don't know what you do for it, but for me, exercising is the ONLY thing that works. I hated the side effects of my happy pills, and I have done much better for the 6 months I've been off them. Usually, if I'm feeling down, I have to force myself to go out and run (even if I feel like crawling in bed and never waking up).
I always feel better I went, and I'm glad I did it.
Maybe just go sweat it out. And of course it won't solve all the world's problems, but it'll lighten your mood for a while.
I hope you feel better!

Sher said...

sorry, the first of my comment should've said
I lost....

Boy Mom said...

I still wuv you!

Seeker said...

HEY there you!!! you always have me...i will follow your beautiful writing and bloggy statements. You aren't just are ... ummm...out of action for the moment. You'll bounce right back in a bit. Your son needs you more right now than we do. I know...been there and done that....hang in there

Shadow said...

ha ha, i also lost 6 today, i think it's the magic number... but don't let it concern you, those who love you, stick with you!

Wendyburd1 said...

I totally get ya! (HUGS)

colleen said...

Yep, problem with Blogger, not you. Go to
and you can read all about it.

on marriage

'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?