Monday, March 1, 2010


To get why I am writing what I am going to write you would have to read where I became inspired today: Leftovers, by Stakerz Xposed.

The day Bronson nearly drowned a friend of mine told me to PRAY for Bronson.
I prayed for Bronson, but I prayed harder for his Mother, and his Father.

And I prayed even harder for Me.

Don't get me wrong here.
I didn't pray for me because I was being selfish.
I prayed for me because I realized that I was letting my kids drown.

I felt an overwhelming pain and guilt and shame,
that in such a equal lateral way
I had done what she was suffering.

I had walked away when my kids were in the middle of something.
Something really important to them.
Something crucial to their well being.
Something that needed attention.

I had become distracted thinking that
what I was going to do was so important.

...So necessary.
In that moment...mattered MORE.

Blinds that needed to be dusted.
Blinded me from what was really important.

Floors that needed to be shined,
over-shadowed the shine I could create
in my children's eyes.

Clothes that needed to be washed,
seemed more critical than the
cleansing of my families soul.

I get distracted, by so many things,
be it physical, mental, emotional...
worldly pains, worldly aches
turmoils that stirred a tsunami in me.

It seemed that there were so many things
...keeping me distracted.

And so, the end of January, beginning of February,
I found myself consumed with these feelings.

Feelings of inadequacy,
of turmoil that I was doing
that kept me from what was
really important....


And today, those THINGS that MATTER are clearer to me.
And as I read her blog post on Leftovers....I got it!

I too give Leftovers....


How often in life am I giving those that matter most, my Leftovers?
These boys, who are my heart and soul,
often get whatever is '"Left-over" of me
whenever I think I am done with the rest of my commitments.
They get the little blob of energy that's left of me,
after running around all day.
A cold slab of minimal effort,
because I just want to be done already.
The crumbs that are left of my patience.
(Well, any that haven't already crumbled
from dealing with other people's children.)
And if they are really lucky,
I might even top it off
with the tiny little dollup of fun
that I might actually have left.
But more often than they deserve,
they get the frantic,
task-oriented Drill-Sargent Mom
who is running short on time.
Or the exhausted,
Do-It-Yourself Mom who is ready to collapse.

I am not beating myself up. I am just pondering. I know that I am doing better today than yesterday. I know that I have come a great distance from my past, and yet I have learned through forgiveness to see my past as a blessing, a direction and framework for the best future that I could possibly have. I am thinking...I like to do that.

And sometimes I do my best thinking here. Because it feels a bit accountable. Someone will read it. Sometimes it is only one person, and she gives me wonderful advice. Yet, it feels like I am not alone.
When I leave it here it makes me naked;
in my thoughts, and my feelings,
and I know in a worldly sense I am not alone,
and I remember that in a spiritual sense I am NOT alone., I celebrate the beginning of March!

...I MARCH forward, offering my Family a FEAST of me. May I have the desires and strength to GIVE more of me to them, in every day, in every way, and give it peacefully and with a sense of fulfillment that what I am doing is what MATTERS MOST!


Jillene said...

Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your feelings. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone.

LeShel said...

thanks for sending me a great direction today. helps me clarify what inside is going on.

stuff to change.

love you

in time out said...

Yep...we are not a single one of us alone. Yet...we are so unique and individual. It is an interesting pondering.

Jillene - Hope you are doing well. I need to check in. It has been too long.

LeShel --always stuff to change, but so much of your STUFF is already perfectly perfectly YOU. And I love you. Clarify away, but know that I love you just the way you are....and thankful I could do something for you today. Direction. A wonderful gift. You always inspire me...Love you dearly ♥

on marriage

'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?