Flashback to the beginning! Why I blog!?!!?
I had forgotten why I started blogging. I read a church acquaintance friends blog tonight and one of her posts asked why others blog. I had some thoughts...but really had to go back to my beginning....2006....to find the answer. Deeper than that, when I read those posts from 2006 and realized I feel some of the same things now and a LOT of gratitude for a bit of growth those experiences brought it answers the question, makes me thankful I blogged, and begs another: Why don't I blog MORE now???
I blogged then because if I didn't life would've been a blur...I would forget my kids were little once...I would be so caught up in the now that I would have little ability to remember the then.
Both moments, the now and then, bring a level of chaos that are very difficult for me to really imagine I survived ...or will survive...but when I look back to then and see that I have gotten to now I realize -- this too shall pass, and I will miss it.
I miss my littles (then) -- trying (now) to raise my bigs. And yet....aren't my kids still little?
At 18, 16, 14, and 11...they still feel like my babies to me.
A lot has changed and, bluntly, so many things recently have hurt so much that I haven't been on the blog roll. Afraid of shedding light to our truths...now.
I kind of avoid journaling all together hoping that this part of life will not be too present in my future.
I keep waiting for a miracle to change some of the events that have happened...but God has His own timing and I am beginning to trust it a little more. I feel like it is going to be best if I focus forward and celebrate the amazing parts of now.
Even amidst the darkness of our challenges there is an amazing light and some wonderful moments. Those are the things I need to ponder, to journal, to express.
I think I am done waiting for some magic balm to make right the wrongs. We are here and I need to leave a little footprint of now to look back upon.
We will not just survive this...we will thrive.
I remember the past having plenty of frustrations, and as I read my journal entries I am thankful to see the process of my strengths and growth through reading some pieces of that past.
The question begged "why don't I blog more now?" and truth....it is because I have been afraid to share me now....us now. So much has changed....maybe it is time for me to step back into the light!
'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?