forgetting THINGS

With all that has been happening with J I seem to be forgetting so many things. And not one bit of it is bothering me. What happened to my obsessive compulsive everything. We have an appointment up at the Hospital today for Cystic Fibrosis testing for my baby j- Bear. Prayer is the only avenue for peace now. Not cleaning, not perfection, not one thing can offer what we need right now. Just faith and prayers.

a rambling and "can i paint the sunsets with Grandpa?"

(excerpts from communication while we are trying to figure out what is going on with J7)

"Gosh, how does J feel? I think he is confused about what is happening, but mainly he knows he doesn't feel well. He just can feel that he catches his breath. Yet he can run and play sometimes, and other times he is just not able to. He tells me a lot that he can't breath, it's hard, and it makes me sad.

When we learned about the Iron yesterday Mr. B started giving him a tablespoon of natural molasses. J says its yucky but he wants to get better and he believes it will help. The heartwrenching reality is he knows how he feels and how bad it is. I have tried to protect him from the frightening diagnosis that we are waiting on. I really have protected him and been very positive, so the following took me by surprise. This morning after having the Molasses he was walking with S-9 to their room and said to J, "Know why I have to have that stuff? Because if I don't fix my Iron I have to go to heaven." I was shocked.

Daddy started to tear up and left the room. J came to me right after that and said, "Mom, if I go to heaven can I have a birthday every day?" I just knelt down and took both his hands and looked at his face. He had such a look of courage I can not even describe. Like he was trying to be so brave asking me. I answered "Yes, J, you can have a birthday every day in heaven, and Grandpa would be there with you, You and Grandpa would be best pals and do so many wonderful things together. You would be our angels and watch over us. But you are going to be fine, so not to worry."

Then he said, "Can I have a star just like Grandpa?" I said, "Yes, the biggest one....but J you are going to pick a star for me long before you get to heaven." I told him that he had so many things to still do. Learn to play the piano (I started him in lessons today, no time to waste), go on a mission, marry your best friend, be a daddy, play sports, go to work, go to college....you know. I was pleading with him to know that he was going to be okay. I told him, "J, Daddy and I are going to do everything possible to help you feel better, and it is going to work, and you are going to grow up and be strong, and have all the fun in the world before you ever go to heaven." And then he said, "If I do go to heaven can I paint the sunsets with Grandpa." I nearly lost my pretend happy composure at that moment. I just said, "You can paint sunsets, J, and rainbows, and butterflys, and beetles. You will have so many important things to do and heaven will be wonderful. But J you have many things to do here first."

I reminded him that Bishop blessed him and that we would help him and he will get better. The look on his face said it all. He heard what I said but he bravely holds on to his wonder, "what will heaven be like for me".

...why is he even thinking such things. I am so scared. I feel so destroyed, my heart is aching and breaking at the same time. He shouldn't be thinking these things. I am protecting him, or so I think, from the worry and concern. But he knows how he feels, and he is frightening me. After I talked to him I went into the kitchen and Mr. B was in tears. I have seen him cry only a few times, when his dad died, and today. He is mine, my J. I feel so stubborn. I don't want to let him go. Last night he woke up and was clammy everywhere. He was having a night terror and wasn't really awake, shaking and really upset. I put him in a warm tub and bathed him, he gently woke up. Then I held him in the bathroom on the floor for hours, with tears streaming down my face, while he slept in my arms. I can't stand worrying. I just want to know so that we can fix it. He seems like he is just fine most of the time, but if you watch closely he doesn't breath very well. If he has an enlarged heart, and has had it since he was at least 2 years old, it is a very scary diagnosis. I don't know how to do this. Everything about him has always been different, from the beginning. But everything about him is "Just J". That's what I always say, he is Just my J-bear, different but perfect in every way.

About a month ago I had a strong feeling that something was going to happen to him, I thought maybe he was going to die....dreams about him getting hit by a car, or something. I told his aunti to watch him carefully, I called his teacher at school and pleaded that she be really aware of J because I had such bad feelings. I made the doctor appointment a month ago because I noticed his breathing was getting worse, he was more agitated by it. I just thought it was asthma. None of this is what I planned. How selfish is that, thinking that I can plan everything? I realize that I am in the middle of some refinement for me and my family, but this just really sucks and That is the bottom line, it sucks.

do you ever feel like burnt toast?

Do you ever feel like you are burnt toast?
Literally. Cooked too long and useful to no one.

I learned today that if you scrape the burn off, then the toast actually tastes pretty good. Why I bothered to do that, rather than just making a fresh piece of toast would take too long to explain.

And truth is, the scraping really makes a mess. My life. Scraping the burn off is really making a mess.

I wonder if it is worth it.

Thanksgiving

Odd Way of Giving Thanks!

I am extremely restless. Can't really describe why. It's like my mind is rushing with all my regrets: my impatience with my kids, not celebrating each day, gritting my teeth, forgetting to breathe, and to smile.

I wonder if they know just how delighted I am with each of them. How much I love them, and how I wish that instead of being grumpy and expressing my irritated feelings, how I wish I was better at letting them in on the pleasure, happiness and peace they bring into my life. I love them.

Absolutely and so much. May I learn to enjoy each moment, and better show my delight in each of them. My gratitude for G, Cece, S, and J. The warmth that fills my soul at the sound of their names, each name chosen specific and with a love between their daddy and me.

Speaking of Mr. B, oh how can I ever express just how much he means to me. How I love him and my absolute enduring appreciation for him. He is my amazing friend, my life long eternal love.

He is worth working for an eternal promise. He and my four beautiful children; how blessed I feel.

blobs and blogs

Okay, time to re-enter the world of sharing what little sense I have about life.

I love life. I have had some of the most awful experiences, which means that my most wonderful experiences are even sweeter than most. My tears have been full of salt and sweet. I have loved and laughed, and landed on my feet.

I have written books, burned them, paid way too much for therapy, and gone back to school.

Now I find myself discovering what all the broken pieces laying at my feet mean; and I have found that when I choose how to put the puzzel together I like what I see before me.

I am a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a grand-daughter, a student, a lover, a future lawyer, and I like me. I have a past, but more important I have a future.

I like dancing in the rain, watching movies, going out with my man, taking pictures, reading, watching football, art and music of all kinds, especially drawing/painting/photography, traveling, Fish Lake, native people, history, family home evening, playing games with my kids. I love writing. I have one publication, which honors my grandparents. I don't like war, but I understand it's necessity. I love politics, and don't like government.
I am my own dichotomy; in so many ways. I am getting to know me.

a real headache

I spent the whole entire day in bed or throwing up, with a migraine. I have never had one before and this took me by complete surprise. Actually I think that this was a perfect way to describe the pressure that I have been under for the past few weeks, like a volcano, my body finally heated up and exploded, literally. I have certainly learned a great deal from this experience. I have never experienced a debilitating headache like the one that I had yesterday. I will never make light of anyone who suffers from true migraines, nor will I suggest that I have a headache anything along those lines again. I could punch anyone who says that they have a “migraine” and is standing up. I could not function, stand, or even sleep through the pain. If I wasn’t throwing up I was in bed with an ice pack, and yet the pain never subsided. It took the whole day in bed, and even today I am still sensitive.

Personal Life Philosophy Paper

As I wrote my paper I felt really good about what I have discovered about myself. I know that I want to be a happier person and that I am the one who is in control of my personal happiness. I am more aware of my personal gratitude for my life and for what I value. This has been a truly rewarding experience. I discovered that I already have a lot of the hardware to be a positive person. I discovered that I have been given some really good, and equally bad experiences, and that those balance each other out in creating my pleasure and happiness. Recognizing that in every moment you have a choice, to become your greatest potential, or to let yourself down.

It is up to you, it is up to me.