Wednesday, December 24, 2008

broken things to mend

I posted this on a healing journal that I am keeping and thought of some of you who were so kind to me as I ranted the other day. Instead of re-writing, if there is anyone worried about how I am doing. Today is good. I wanted to thank you for your words of love and support as I haven't been feeling up to much. I love that you are so supportive of me and of others who are here, on the line, holding on by a thread. Thank you and Happy Holidays. My wish is that you are all warm and surrounded by love during the season of Joy, as you think of Jesus, Others and Yourself.

I belong to
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have learned from church as an adult that you can be loved, you can be mended, you can be healed, having Faith in Jesus.

I have always felt as though they were talking about everyone else, not me.

I love my church. I love the people who come each Sunday, who put their arms around me; Who Love me. I know they do, I feel it, I want to be there each week, no matter how sad or broken I feel I never stop going. Even when I have been breaking the commandments, I still go. Even when I loose the light in my eyes, and people come up to me and ask me what's wrong. Even the day my Grandmother died, I went.

A talk was given during one of our conferences titled Broken Things to Mend, by Jeffrey R. Holland. I remember it was beautiful.

For Christmas this year I bought the book: Broken Things to Mend for my sister, and one for my mother. I went back and got one for me. I haven't read it yet, but feel that it will be a really good part of my healing process.

Today, missing my Grandmother very much, I got a surprise visit. My mom came by. Everyone loves surprises, but you know what I have told you about my mom. My childhood.

She came by, and it was good.

Let me tell you more. She brought with her little Santa bags. Bags she had sewn herself, to give us as Mrs. Claus bags. My Grandmother always played Mrs. Claus for us, it is by far my favorite Christmas memory ever. And I am missing her greatly, this healing is partially coming and necessary due to losing her in October. Something in me broke, my heart and more, so badly when she died. And when that broke, the rest of me fell apart.

Having my mom come today reminded me of something I learned in church. Faith. I gave my mom her book, and a journal, and a little white bracelet with the word Faith on it. Like the one my son gave to my grandmother years ago, something she wore everyday the rest of her life, and was buried with.

As my mom played Mrs. Claus today I watched her from the rocking chair that my Grandmothers Father built. She gave them the gifts, with no fancy dress, no singing of Here comes Santa Clause...just a sweet gift of a journal and some old fashioned candy, like Grandma.

As tears came to my eyes I realized I wasn't crying because I was sad or broken. I was crying because I was happy. I remembered that Life is great. Life is and will be eternal. Life is love, and prayer, and Hope, and Faith, Life is happy, and Families are Forever.

We believe this in our church. And I will be able to see my Grandmother again. I may be broken, but I am beginning to believe that Broken is Better. And that being broken I have the Faith to heal, to be renewed. To be whole.

part of that conference address says:
"He is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""

Another part I love is:

Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs or gambling, or the pernicious contemporary plague of pornography? Is your marriage in trouble or your child in danger? Are you confused with gender identity or searching for self-esteem? Do you—or someone you love—face disease or depression or death? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."

In the Bible the woman who touched Christ’s garment and was healed is a wonderful example of faith, determination, and resoluteness. Her motives were pure. There was no hypocrisy or deception, as she hoped her actions would go unnoticed. She did not want to inconvenience the Master or disturb those listening to Him. The woman had spent all her income on physicians, expecting to be cured of a blood disease, but to no avail. With great faith, this sister disciple sought out Jesus and in the midst of a crowd “came behind him, and touched the border of his garment” and was healed. Jesus experienced the withdrawal of spiritual power. He inquired of His disciples, “Who touched me?” The disciples pointed to the multitude thronging about Him and suggested that it could be any number of persons. Jesus persisted, sensing the special person in His midst and the nature of the event. The woman then came forward. “Trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.

“And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace” (see Luke 8:43–48).

And Finally the conference address says:

If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.

Today, I can't help but think that by no accident do things happen. Even in my abuse I know there is power to heal and to mend. I know that while some of my experiences have been awful, most and many more, have been good.

I know that what I learn at my church is good, that I have been taught many wonderful things, that I have felt wonderful things, and that I have found peace in them. I know that Jesus Christ, whose birth we celebrate this year, is wonderful, and that he loves me. I know that the words of these men and women in our church are true, and loving and that they are inspired.

I seek to have the Faith to be whole, to be mended, and this time I want to have a choice, to choose the best parts of me to put back together. Actually, I quite believe today that I am looking forward, with Faith, to it!

Love and greetings, Merry Christmas, to you, my friends, who are with me on the way to my healing....I do pray that your holidays are safe, warm, healthy, and happiness be yours. Know that you are making a difference in my life, which is making a difference in my children's lives.

Love and gratitude to you!


Trying to Stay Calm! said...

I l♥ve you l♥ts dear Friend and I hope you have a blessed and very Merry Christmas! ♥ Hugs :) Shauna

rachel said...

Beautiful post- I loved that talk by him. The woman touching the Savior's garments is my favorite scripture story! Merry Christmas!!

Judi said...

What a beautiful message, both from you and the talk.
Thank you for sharing...

Heatherlyn Colt said...

I'm somewhat new to the world of blogging and I found your blog. I enjoyed your thoughts. The hardest part about the atonement is definitely us allowing it to work in our life. Why is it so darn hard to just let go and be happy sometimes?! It's such a blessing when others share their personal experiences/testimony of allowing the atonement to heal them.

Kathy P said...

wonderful post, wonderful book. thank you for sharing.

on marriage

'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?