Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Dear Friends,

Yes, you, all of who have been following me, reading me, commenting, and caring.

I love and appreciate that you read and enjoy my families antics, and that you pick up on the little intricacies of my rhetoric that sometimes give you an in to who I am, and how I am feeling.

Right now as the holidays approach I have fallen into the deepest depression I have ever experienced, and have anxiety, with insomnia; as a cherry on top.

I am writing this to you, readers, and to you browsers, who read and hide your presence from me, because i have something that is important to me to say.

I LOVE LIFE, I love to serve, I love my family, kids and extended. I have great siblings, I have forgiven my mother from the abandonment and abuse that I suffered as a child, however, right now what I believe that I am experiencing is TRUE REAL depression and pain.

It is consuming, overwhelming, and all the traits and qualities of being a good mother and happy wife have gone away. I want me back, so that I can enjoy what I used to, and so my kids don't always have to wonder if they did something. They are beautiful, and as you know I have delighted in them for their entire lives.

I did experience abuse; take your pick of the natures, it was them all. I did experience abandonment and grew to this day in foster care, with a lovely family. This family had challenges too. My new mother died months after taking me. I am not to say that my life was any more difficult that any of you reading this.

In fact, I hope that because of my life I will be a dearer acquaintance, friend, cyber support and bring some joy and laughter, as well as be there for your own tears and challenges. I believe that this way of getting to know one another is absolutely wonderful, in that we come to realize that our neighbor IS LIKE OUR SELVES. Hurt and pain, suffering, insecurity don't fall short for anyone.

If you are taking the time to read this I hope that you know I am here, dealing and hoping to help you when and if you are ever dealing yourselves....we all have challenges. What I mean by dealing is....to wake up, but not, to cry when there is nothing to cry about, to go through the motions, short tempered, reacting to everything in site, to find yourself numb, and without feeling for the very people who you have loved more than life itself. Dealing....near giving up....yes, that is what I mean.

Yet, I have found some of the greatest support through this community, and through the process of opening myself up to you, readers and friends alike.

I have a good family. Some are trying really hard to get help for me. My husband is trying to not give up, he doesn't know what to do to help. And my kids are just confused. I used to be such a great mom.

But here, I have found Angels among us. One, Trying to Stay Calm, many of you know her. She is amazing, and kind, and sweet, and honest, and full of life, love and joy. And it is genuine. As I have felt her prayers, her love, her support, and I have never met her; only known her a month, and got to know her through, this; the Internet.

She has directed me back to where I should have begun in my healing....to Jesus. Yes, Jesus is the Reason for the Season. Jesus is ....well, the REASON.

So, you wonderful, patient Chocolate Winners. She, my friend, will be sending you the treats. And I want to thank her, and thank you....because doing the giveaway brought me delight. It brought smiles to me, and to my Cece, who is still talking about how cool Shauna from Trying to Stay Calm is. And Jillene, her husbands foot, hoping and praying that he is getting better. And Boy Mom, bless you at this holiday time with all those BOYS, as she says. And Susan Brady, whose husband said no way would she win, AND SHE DID. Sorry if I don't mention everyone....but you all mean a lot to me, and just the fact that so many of you keep checking on me is unreal. Unreal because I don't have the bells and whistles, or much to offer right now.

I wish I could have all the wonderful links in this post, but for now I am off to ask for help; a doctor appointment. So many of you readers told me there is no shame in asking for help. Thank you for that. So many of you recognized my depression, and have pleaded for me, and for the sake of my family, to get help. I am, I will try.

To my family reading, if you are; I don't mean to embarrass any of you. But I need help. And I plan to get better...so hopefully I can be who you remember me to be. Love and hugs to you all. Thanks for taking the time to read.

I will be back, in full color, with fun and smiles to share....love, mummee


Trying to Stay Calm! said...

I want you to know I am here and l♥ve you LOTS! My prayers are with you my sweet friend! Don't worry about the chocolate I will take care of that and get it mailed out TODAY :) (((HUGS))) ♥ Shauna

The Hoyt's said...

Best of luck to you.. I hope all turns out well for you and your family.. Never give up.. Have faith and put everything into the hands of our savior and he will carry you...
God Bless..

Jillene said...

Oh my sweet friend!! I am so sorry about your current state. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. In all of your turmoil you think to mention my husband and his foot. You are truely an angel!! BTW--he is feeling much better!!

I am glad that you are seeing the Dr. today. It is O.K. I have a temper and some pretty serious mood swings and I decided to buy a natural pill at Costco to make my mood better. I have been taking it for 4 days now and it is helping so much. I hope and pary that you get the help that you need. I am always here and you can e-mail me ANYTIME!!

Annie said...

Prayers for you as you find help and begin your healing process.

Kay Dennison said...

I am sufferer of chronic anxiety and depression and a stroke survivor. I understand how hard it is. If you need to vent, feel free to write to me.

Mina said...

Oh dear friend! I am sorry that you are facing such challenges. Depression is difficult to deal with. The nature of the problem itself resists treatment. But you sound like you know what needs to be done. I know it will not be easy for you, but I am also positive that you will come out the other end happier with who you are than you were before. That is what this journey is about. Take care--


Don and Susan Brady said...

My prayers are with you always. I beleive that quality of life is important enough that asking for medical or mental help is a very important step. My mother suffered from depression and somedays we walked as if on pins and needles for her. Yet remember that we loved her very much and would have done or given anything for her recovery, and the same goes for you. I am here if you need me. Please feel free at anytime to contact me or comment on my blog. I love hearing from you and about you. Please remember the VT message this month about the hope we are given in the Savior. Rely on him as well. Hugs to all

Misty said...

Take care of yourself and dont' worry about us!!! Merry CHRISTmas!!!!

colleen said...

You've taken the most important step to getting better. By not hanging you head in shame and realizing that you need some help.
There is nothing shameful about it. You play with the cards you're dealt. My thoughts are with you and your family. Just look for the joy in everyday no matter how small. It can be something as simple as enjoying the suns rays glowing through a window, or the kids picking up after themselves. Everything, anything, something.

Tracy said...

I hope you are able to have an enjoyable holiday! I love your blog and I hope you are feeling better soon!

You're not alone in your suffering. There are many who feel the same as you and often we feel we aren't allowed to feel that way.

I totally agree with Shauna - that the only way to find comfort is in Christ. So I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. There is ALWAYS hope!!!!! Sometimes we just have to search for it a little.

Take care!!!

Erin said...

I second what everybody else has said. Do what you need to take care of yourself. We look forward to reading about your triumphs! (And your concerns too; we want to be your friend.)

Tink said...

what a blessing to have an unseen angel like Shauna in your life right now. Your story reminded me of the short story in this month's Ensign where a woman suffered much of the same things as you with foster care, parent dying, etc. My heart goes out to you! Depression is a very real thing. I'm glad you are seeking out the help necessary. I've been there, done that with treatment and it was a Godsend at the time. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers this season. Take care, my friend.

Mammamia said...

I read this book once called Winter Wheat where the father had some shrapnel in his leg from an old war injury. For long periods of time he would be well and able to work and then other times a piece of the shrapnel would work its way to the surface, get infected and fester. It would prevent him from doing the things he loved and being the kind of man he wanted to be and cause him no small amount of grief for long periods of time until it eventually worked itself all the way out.

Sometimes I think emotions are like this too. We're going along feeling pretty good until a hidden piece we weren't aware of starts to work its way to the surface. It festers and causes us no small amount of grief until it eventually works itself all the way out.

You are doing all of the right things by opening all the available doors for help. After how far you've come, I'm sure you will be able to make it through this too. Know that you are loved and that you are worth fighting for. Also know that God will grant your children strength.

Anonymous said...

thoughts and prayers for you during this time.

there is nothing wrong with asking for help and I am glad you are seeing a dr.

R Max said...

You have a special way of sharing yourself that uplifts my spirits, even though the experience you shared is a difficult one. Some of us have traveled the same road but I doubt I could have handled this with such grace and faith.

Bless You.


Boy Mom said...

This comment is for Fredrick aka Joe, which by the way is an awesome name.

Joe, this summer my Adorable Hubby, took a bottle of sleeping pills then spent a week in the psych ward
at our local hospital. This was the culmination of a family history of emotional struggles and the resulting poor decisions that put he and our family through a lot of pain and struggle. The journey continues, and probably will for a lifetime.

So this comment is for you. It's hard but hold on. The wonderful amazing person you know and love is still there. It's worth the pain and doubt you're feeling right now, when you catch that glimpse and know that it's possible once again to have more good days then bad.

Take care of you! I hope you have someone, who loves you both, that you can talk to. Eat and sleep and love on the kids. Above all don't blame yourself or Mummee, there is too much pain and too little healing in blame.

Wish I could be there to give you both a big fat hug. Actually I could but you'd have to give me your address which runs the risk that I'm a mad stalker ;} and you'll never be free of me. The offer is there if either of you need it.

Prayers and hugs going out to both of you. Glad you're getting help take, care of both of you. F

Geri said...

I think the holidays can be a depressing and difficult time. Sounds like your mother had a lot of problems, and it's too bad she abandoned you. She missed out on some great times as you grew up. What's good about the situation is that you love your family and your children and can be the mother to them that you wish she could have been to you. You should also give yourself a pat on the back for being such a strong person.

What's important is that you get proper help if you're depressed. You have so much to offer to your family and children. You can overcome depression. My mom has suffered with schizophrenia and bipolar since I was eight.

I have had lots of therapy, and I have learned over the years that the more skills and techniques you learn about how to cope with depression, they less likely depression is to get you down.

Wish you well, and the only other thing I can say is, things will get better. Start by finding just one good thing in your life a day. It only takes one positive to turn everything around.

Good luck!

Andrea said...

Your attitude is amazing. I want you to know that I know what you are going through--if you need to talk to someone who's been there, I'm here.

rachel said...

Thank you. Your honesty is beautiful. Your writing is gorgeous. Your humility is profound. May the Savior wrap his arms around you during this difficult time. You are an inspiration.

Cynthia said...

You are NOT alone in this struggle. My husband suffers from Major Depression and Anxiety/ Panic disorder. It waxes and wanes but he had a really bad flare up last fall and it's taken us some time to get the right meds/ counselling/ treatment set up.

There were times last year where I wondered if he'd ever laugh again, ever feel any joy. I missed HIM so much.

Tonight he had a big 'ole belly laugh at some joke that was on tv just tonight. I so missed his laughter and it's finally back. He is more available to me and the kids again. The joy is returning bits and pieces at a time. The hole he was in was so deep last year I honestly didn't know how we were going to get out of it.

It's okay to say that your trials are very hard FOR YOU to bear. It doesn't matter if someone has it easier/harder. Hard is hard.

Getting proper medical and counseling is so important. My husband and I both have found a lot of relief through Recovery- it's not so much a support group as it is cognitive training. Through recovery we learned techniques to deal with the thoughts, emotions, etc. that occur and how to work it down.

Remember that faith without works is dead. Do all that you can by going to the right medical professionals etc. and He will give you the strength to do what is required of you.

Wendyburd1 said...

Do not apologize for needing help! I have not exactly been shy about my feelings, especially as of late. It feels like we are both on the depression train, which heads nowhere, and you finally see that you need to get off at the next stop, for a moment, and get some help too. I am doing that by adding a new drug, which I pray will help me, I am so tired of this...all. And maybe something can help you get back to you.

I actually sat through a movie tonight and didn't think. Sure it was only like 90 minutes and then my brain went all off again, but 2 weeks ago I would have said even that was impossible. I know for me, it may be a long road ahead to get back to even where I was (okay-ish mostly...thats my description) but I will hope I can do it, and knowing I have such great people here, has been great.

*HUGS* Feel better. And do not ever feel bad that you need some help. Better to get help and feel like YOU again, than to suffer in silence!!

breelyn_faith said...

I'm sorry for how you are feeling right now. I pray you will get better. I have been down the same road many times and know from experience that God is the only one that can truely help you. Pray hard and He will answer.

Thanks for all your prayers while I was in the hospital.

Kimberly said...

Congratulations on getting help. Don't forget that these things take time so don't quit until you feel better. I to have dealt with depression. I am happy and healthy now. I used both medicine and a really great counselor from LDS family services. I took a long time for me to finally go to the counselor--my sister dragged me but it was one of the best things I did. Don't quit trying.

on marriage

'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?