Yes, you, all of who have been following me, reading me, commenting, and caring.
I love and appreciate that you read and enjoy my families antics, and that you pick up on the little intricacies of my rhetoric that sometimes give you an in to who I am, and how I am feeling.
Right now as the holidays approach I have fallen into the deepest depression I have ever experienced, and have anxiety, with insomnia; as a cherry on top.
I am writing this to you, readers, and to you browsers, who read and hide your presence from me, because i have something that is important to me to say.
I LOVE LIFE, I love to serve, I love my family, kids and extended. I have great siblings, I have forgiven my mother from the abandonment and abuse that I suffered as a child, however, right now what I believe that I am experiencing is TRUE REAL depression and pain.
It is consuming, overwhelming, and all the traits and qualities of being a good mother and happy wife have gone away. I want me back, so that I can enjoy what I used to, and so my kids don't always have to wonder if they did something. They are beautiful, and as you know I have delighted in them for their entire lives.
I did experience abuse; take your pick of the natures, it was them all. I did experience abandonment and grew to this day in foster care, with a lovely family. This family had challenges too. My new mother died months after taking me. I am not to say that my life was any more difficult that any of you reading this.
In fact, I hope that because of my life I will be a dearer acquaintance, friend, cyber support and bring some joy and laughter, as well as be there for your own tears and challenges. I believe that this way of getting to know one another is absolutely wonderful, in that we come to realize that our neighbor IS LIKE OUR SELVES. Hurt and pain, suffering, insecurity don't fall short for anyone.
If you are taking the time to read this I hope that you know I am here, dealing and hoping to help you when and if you are ever dealing yourselves....we all have challenges. What I mean by dealing is....to wake up, but not, to cry when there is nothing to cry about, to go through the motions, short tempered, reacting to everything in site, to find yourself numb, and without feeling for the very people who you have loved more than life itself. Dealing....near giving up....yes, that is what I mean.
Yet, I have found some of the greatest support through this community, and through the process of opening myself up to you, readers and friends alike.
I have a good family. Some are trying really hard to get help for me. My husband is trying to not give up, he doesn't know what to do to help. And my kids are just confused. I used to be such a great mom.
But here, I have found Angels among us. One, Trying to Stay Calm, many of you know her. She is amazing, and kind, and sweet, and honest, and full of life, love and joy. And it is genuine. As I have felt her prayers, her love, her support, and I have never met her; only known her a month, and got to know her through, this; the Internet.
She has directed me back to where I should have begun in my healing....to Jesus. Yes, Jesus is the Reason for the Season. Jesus is ....well, the REASON.
So, you wonderful, patient Chocolate Winners. She, my friend, will be sending you the treats. And I want to thank her, and thank you....because doing the giveaway brought me delight. It brought smiles to me, and to my Cece, who is still talking about how cool Shauna from Trying to Stay Calm is. And Jillene, her husbands foot, hoping and praying that he is getting better. And Boy Mom, bless you at this holiday time with all those BOYS, as she says. And Susan Brady, whose husband said no way would she win, AND SHE DID. Sorry if I don't mention everyone....but you all mean a lot to me, and just the fact that so many of you keep checking on me is unreal. Unreal because I don't have the bells and whistles, or much to offer right now.
I wish I could have all the wonderful links in this post, but for now I am off to ask for help; a doctor appointment. So many of you readers told me there is no shame in asking for help. Thank you for that. So many of you recognized my depression, and have pleaded for me, and for the sake of my family, to get help. I am, I will try.
To my family reading, if you are; I don't mean to embarrass any of you. But I need help. And I plan to get better...so hopefully I can be who you remember me to be. Love and hugs to you all. Thanks for taking the time to read.
I will be back, in full color, with fun and smiles to share....love, mummee
'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?