TAG...!

This one is fun and easy to do:
Open your sixth photo folder, publish the sixth photo, explain it, tag 6 friends.



Okay...THIS is beyond FUNNY. This is MY SON. The boy in pink a few posts before. For Halloween years back he dressed up LIKE A GIRL. Borrowed a cheer leading outfit. This is SOSOO funny to me because my sister had said after the PINK episode that she has seen him in girl clothes TOO much over his lifetime.

I opened up my slideshow to do this tag and the 6th picture is THIS. I couldn't believe it. Maybe you can't either. Anyhow. Have a laugh, and do the tag.



If any of you want to do this tag, DO IT, and come let me know that you did so I can see what randomness you come up with.

I tagged myself on my family blog: if you want an invite, let me know [it's private].

The picture there was from my 6th file...and it is of my toes, in the summertime, after swimming. I think I took it because I liked the nail color. Random.

Hugs. Happy Saturday!

Growth

"Looking at vegetable life, we see plants that grow in darkness. They are pale; they possess not the beauty of those that grow in open sunlight. When I was a youth, I remember being sent into the cellar late in the spring to sprout some potatoes. Every sprout was reaching out for that ray of sunlight that came through a little aperture!

And yet we go through life and see God's highest creation, man, turning his back on the light, and not as the potato sprout struggling therefore.

I wonder if we are magnifying our calling and are growing toward the light in a desire to be warmed by Christ's love? I wonder if we know just who we are? If we do, let us be obedient unto every commandment of the Lord our Father."

- Walter P. Monson, "Conference Report," April 1917, Outdoor Meeting, p.103


This thought is quite interesting to me today. I have felt myself in such darkness, and yet in darkness there is purpose.

In darkness we sprout and grow, and for some things and people the best they are is grown in darkness.

I think we each go through our experiences thinking that we are to become one perfect thing, that perfect thing is always out of our reach because we are trying to become what we see as perfect in others, not what we are to become ourselves.

We think because we see others doing something really well, that is the only way to do it. We think because our religion leads us in one direction that is THE ONLY WAY. But I am coming to understand the compassion of a loving Heavenly Father.

I am perfect in the way he created me. With my ability to love people, all people, and accept others come what may. I have come to this out of desperation to be loved myself, to be accepted myself.

Through my own darkness, depression, addictions, abuse, I have become me. A perfect ME, not because I am like everyone or anyone around me, but because I know that being me is enough.


I am discouraged everyday as I don't feel myself doing all that I should be, or all that I could be doing. I fail in so many ways.

I don't always do the chores I should, or have the patience I could. But I keep trying, and I am happy to just be me, whoever I am that day.

I am the first person to point out my faults, problem is picking just one of them to point out. And the real problem is that I shouldn't be doing that in the first place.

Grow where you are planted. We all need potatoes, they grow best in the dark. They are sufficient for their purpose, and they are needed for our nutrition. Wherever you are GROW, and be happy to be what you are.

Even if you feel like you are just a potato.


The quote in this talk was given almost a hundred years ago, but it's teachings are as applicable to how we feel today. My grandfather shared another talk with me and something in it has struck my chords in ways that have helped me to feel a little better in my journey to find hope and healing.

The talk was on tape and the writer was speaking about a potential conversation with the Lord.

The conversation went that the gentleman was talking to the Lord about what he had done in his life and the Lord said every time, "did you try", he said in response, "I tried...but I failed. I was only able to do this much..."

The Lord said, "I don't remember that part."

He is such a kind forgiving Lord. I believe that he loves us unconditionally.

That he gave us light and darkness, wisdom and weakness.

He wants us to grow, and GROWTH HURTS. It is not the easy times in life that we grow. It is the hardest experiences we have that we learn the most.

Please love each other. Accept each other. We are all in this thing called life together. No one is doing any better than the other person for we all have things we struggle with. We have loved ones around us who are struggling and we have to STOP going on about ourselves ignoring the ones we love because of our fears.

Walter Monson as a youth was sent to the potato celler. It was there that he learned that even potatoes in darkness reach for the light. But we know that without the darkness we wouldn't have the sweet and essential nutrition of potatoes. We need them.

We need each other. Be a potato for someone in your life. Find a way to reach with them in their darkness, or in yours. The is a bit of light there.

Spring is coming. Hang in there. Love and hugs to you all.

"I wonder if we are magnifying our calling and are growing toward the light in a desire to be warmed by Christ's love? I wonder if we know just who we are? If we do, let us be obedient unto every commandment of the Lord our Father."

...and the greatest commandment of all is to LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

The Misplaced Americans

THIS deserves some attention. Thanks for sharing!

PINK

...pink is an awesome color for boys. My son wore a TOUGH GUYS WEAR PINK shirt most of elementary school, which has been passed along to both brothers [above]...LOVE IT. And he also told me back then that it is racist to think that Pink is only for girls...I loved that comment. I am glad that with our kids we can change even what they think it means to be racist. Hopefully only good things come from this great generation. Thanks for the comments everyone. Love you all for being YOU. ♥

TUNE IN FOR MORE OF MY BOYS IN PINK WHEN I GET THE PICTURES DOWNLOADED FROM THE PINK NIGHT TO PROMOTE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS...BOTH BOYS DECKED OUT IN THEIR SISTERS CLOTHES AT A GYMNASTICS MEET. HMMMM. VERY FUNNY!

Tell Me Thursday

Great radio show. Fun to listen to and gives you a great laugh.

They liked my almost wordless Wednesday and wanted the story behind it. I had never heard of Tell Me Thursday but I am happy to play along.

It is Spirit Week at my kids school. Monday was pajama day, Tuesday Disco Day, and then Wednesday was Pink Day. This is not his first Rodeo...last year he wore a dress to school. And with those emerging hairy legs he had his first experience wearing tights. I think we even painted his nails last year.

This year he wanted some tight pink shorts...which we found at the Deseret Industries for a whopping $2. His entire outfit was purchased there Tuesday night for a total of 11$, including the shoes and girl panties...not available for show.

He said the circulation in his legs was cut off by 2nd period, and he can't understand why a girl would wear panties...he is a boxer boy.
He adorned himself with my beads and his sisters lip gloss, and won the award for the most excessive PINK...which earned him a spot in the YEARBOOK; I am sure at some point he will re-think PINK.



Today is classic day...now if he could just TALK his dad into letting him wear his Rolex...


The boy has way more confidence than I have raised him to have. He has fun with life and is a JOY to be around. My sister commented that she has seen him in WAY to much pink in his young life, and he ENJOYS wearing girl clothes a bit much. My aunt requested that we keep him away from the pink from now on, he looks a little too good in it! And my cousin thought that if anyone could pull it off, he could, he has it in the bag...I said it's somewhere in his purse!!!

I only have one daughter....so it is kind of nice to have him around...

Anywho...thanks for asking. Happy THursdAY everyone!

what a painting...thanks to my cuz!

i needed that.

I have always loved this iconic painting.

there are a few versions.

one is in the New York Manhatten Temple.

the impression that I had is to notice that

He is holding the black sheep.

the others will stay at his side,

but the little black sheep needs to be held onto.

He wants to keep us.

hmmmm.

so much to ponder.

i feel like the black sheep so often in life.

this means a lot to me.

and brings me comfort.

hope you don't mind me using it

to put a thought together.
to share...

Word Verification Wednesday!

this was in my box on thou shalt not whine WV Wednesday game.
roflmao thinking how well this goes with below: Wish I had another daughter...hmmmm?

Wordless Wednesday!

Some things are better left NOT said.

Way Back Whensday...

Well, this wasn't way back. ...but I don't think I smiled as much then about it as I am tonight...so ENJOY!

ARE YOU ONRY?

Cece's Veterans Day program honoring
those who served in the military.
Cece was a greeter.
She asked the attendees if they were honorees
and gave them a special chair cover as they arrived.

One veteran did not have his hearing aids.

He heard, "Are you onry?"
"No, I'm not onry."

"I'm sorry," Cece said,
"I meant are you an honoree?"

He replied again: "No, I am not onry today, I am just old."

Her dance teacher said,
"Maybe you should just ask if he is a veteran."

Cece: "Are you a veteran?"
Honoree: "Oh, yes, of course, I am a veteran."

Too Tuesday!

Get over it. That is what I keep hearing in my life.

I have always been a pretty happy person.
Strong for everyone around me.

I guess that while I have a hard time I don't get the support card.

I get the Get Over It card.



My sister reminded me of my brothers best advice ever:

It was that if you start as a slacker no one expects anything from you.

...if you do a good job that is what everyone ALWAYS expects from you,
if you do a mediocre job that is what is expected of you.

If you start out as a slacker and just keep it up, that is all that is expected of you. ...best advice I have ever heard.



Okay, so if I have a bit of an edge today let me explain.


I have always tried to support people around me.

I naturally love many people, and try to be there for them.

Right now I have taken a break from my being ME. I am allowing myself the time to grieve, to feel the pain, and to deal with what I am feeling. And it is not going well for the people around me.

Maybe I am taking TOO much time.



I know that for people close to me in my life they are TIRED of seeing me hurting and want me to just GET OVER IT.


So, for my anniversary I had an enjoyable day with my hubby and we spent the time with the kids. It was a pretty good day and a GREAT reminder of where I am right now and what I CAN work on.


I have a story:

THE WILLOW TREE

My grandparents have a willow tree. It has been the place I loved to be as a child. To hang on the willows, swing and play in the branches. The tree is a beautiful tree. I love trees. As a little girl you could hide among the branches. Make under the tree your hide out. It was my favorite place to be.

The picture above is my daughter, Cece, in the branches of the tree. The place that became each of my childrens favorite place. As soon as we pulled up they loved to run to the tree, swing in the branches, and their imaginations took over as they made under the tree their hideout.

Problem is that as you get older you don't really have a hide out anymore.

Even trying to HIDE OUT, like for me right now, doesn't work out. PEOPLE FIND YOU, and they don't like the condition they find you in, and they buy you self help books, tell you to get over it, and grow up, and that you aren't really hurting THAT bad, and that you are ruining everyone life around you. REALLY, EVERYONES LIFE IS RUINED because I am feeling what I am feeling.

Seriously. So, if I had taken the advice of my brother and been a slacker, EVERYONE around me would be fine.

Hmmm....

okay, that was edgy. Sorry.


Back to the willow tree.


I loved the willow tree. Loved, yes, we lost the willow tree this year too. So, two grandmothers, a grandpa, and a teacher. My mind, my heart is aching, and my soul feels a loss.

And I am trying to GET OVER IT. REallY I am. It is not like I want to be a big baby about it. But this is where I am.



So, Sunday in the lesson at church we were talking about the Principle of Compensation. An interesting principle. And I was thinking, What do I know about this principle?

What do I know about losing something and knowing that it can be and will be made up to you.

A LOT.

I know this because I believe that while I am hurting a great deal right now, I hurt because I loved. Because what I lost really meant something to me.

And I am okay to hurt. I really am not doing that bad.


Losing the Willow Tree was the last straw, or branch.

It was like, you have GOT to be kidding me. ALreaDY hurting at the loss of my beloved Grandmothers, then to loose Uncle Bill, the man who was like another Grandpa. Then to loose a school teacher, the people who are there NO MATTER WHAT, and always together, and pick up the pieces, and hold your kids and family together.

And then the TREE. I remember watching the man take it down. And watching my kids....so strong and just dealing with it. Yes, they were sad, but being great kids, they just collected a bit of the wood, and being adventurous, they found other trees to climb in, safely tucked in the branches of the apple trees, watching their beloved tree come down.

The tree was old. It was it's time to go.

So what comes of loss.

That is what I am pondering today. That is the thought that I had on Sunday.

I believe that God will make more of us than we can make of ourselves. When we turn our lives over to him, he does amazing things with us. But it begins by trusting, by faithfully truly turning our lives, our pains, our trials over to him. And not taking it back. Not changing our minds and saying: Oops, lost my mind for a minute, let me do it alone.



The Principle of Compensation. Taking something, losing something, and getting something better in return. From loss can come beauty, and refinement. We learn the most at times when we are hurting.

I must be learning a lot right now.



So, for my anniversary my husband took me to breakfast. He had a little bag covered in XOXOXO's. He handed me the bag. He said. I know how much you love your Grandmother, and how much you miss her right now. I know how much the willow tree meant to you.

I open the bag and there is a little wooden plate. A plate made from the pieces of the Willow Tree. The Principle of Compensation. In my hands.

I look deeper in the bag. Two journals. "for writing your feelings", and a bit deeper a pen and pencil box. Inside the most beautiful crafted pen and pencil, made from the Willow Tree.

He says, "I know you miss your Grandmother, and you miss the willow tree. I know you LOVE to write. So write, and heal and know that from loss can come something truely beautiful and amazing. What is amazing is you. What I see you becoming, and hopefully as you hold that pen, and write your stories, you will see it too."

Okay, Mr. B. You had me at our first kiss, our first date, our first St. Patricks day, and the moment I saw shoe trees in your closet. But today. YOU HAVE ME MORE.


I do believe that God will take our pains, our losses and make more of us than we can ever make of ourselves. I am thankful to have amazing people in my life. I will take the advice, the hurt, even the comments that are not nice right now. And I will make something really great of all of this. If I have hurt you, please know that I am working through some stuff. Let's have lunch. Come pull me out of bed, and cry a bit with me. Maybe trying to understand what is going on inside me will help you to not be so hurt by my behavior right now. I am like the Willow Tree. Being rotten on the inside, but having some good left. I am finding the good and what I can do with it. I don't mean to hurt anyone. I am in my refinement. And just being who I am...I am me. Here is to Tuesday. To today. To a turning point, which is taking more time than I would like to give it. But, Tuesday...a day of reflection, a moment of refinement. I am only me, and I am okay with that.

who am i?

I am constantly learning stuff about myself. Today is no exception. Let me explain to myself through words. Read along if you would like, but this is for me.

Today I woke up to find that I have one less follower on my family blog.

I think the thing that upsets me the most is that I could not for the life of me figure out who it is. I racked my brain, who is missing? ONE person, and I am feeling so sorry for myself.

I access my school classes from my blog, and was SOOOOO distracted by the loss of one person. So, I went back through. I come through here to get to my family blog, thinking maybe I will find a clue.

And then I find coming through here that I have lost 6 friends. 6 followers are missing. NOW I am taking it really PERSONALLY. HOW COULD I LOSE 6 FRIENDS IN ONE DAY?. ....I am thinking, what did I write. I know that I haven't paid as much attention to my followers blogs as I usually do. I am racking my brain. I am thinking there is a conspiracy out there.

I email my friend Shauna, at Trying to Stay Calm.

There is something about trying to stay calm, I am not good at it.



I tell her that I don't know what I did, but I am losing friends, they are dropping like flies. What could I have done? I know that I am pathetic and insecure, and what makes me the most sad is that I cant think of WHO is missing.

In that moment I want to find all 6 people, I want to ask forgiveness. WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT DID I WRITE?


I really should be doing my school work, but I am so distracted by this.


I am thinking; wow, I am a mess.

WHY am I a mess???

Well, lack of sleep is the first thing.

My 9 year old son, in fourth grade, lost his teacher this week. She has been out a few months due to ovarian cancer, and she lost the battle. She passed away last THursDaY. What a day. We really were not prepared to let her go. She is such an amazing person. The teacher who put her arms around me when both of my Grandmothers passed away in October. The teacher I drove with to feild trips, I regret not remembering the bits of conversation we had. But that was how she was, so real. You could talk to her about anything. She loved her kids. She was not able to ever have her own, so her school kids truly were hers. We are so sad. My son doesn't sleep well, so I sleep by him right now, which explains why I am not sleeping.

Then someone VERY close to me is going through something very awful right now. She is handling it with much more strength then I have to handle it, and she is the one going through it. I tell you, it is killing my heart.

Plus I have active depression right now. It runs in my family. Anxiety, BiPolar, Depression. You name it. And mine is over the top. So, I am chaotic, depressed, unfocused, and everyone close to me is pointing out just how much I am falling apart.

Yes, there is a great dose of good in my life. WRitiNg about it is my sanctuary. I appreciate the support that I get through my sharing. Thank you, you who read and weep with me.

So, I am trying to pick up the pieces, celebrate all that is so good, and to weep for what is not, because that is important as well.

My thoughts go back to the one. The missing followers. I regret that I don't know them for their names right now. It is a regret that is teaching me something unique.

On Saturday at my son's teachers funeral services I said a few words about this amazing elegent woman. I noted her life, and her legecy. Her way of taking you when you were broken, a mess, falling a part and making you feel that you are okay. That being who you are in whatever condition you are in, is enough. She cared about EVERYONE, the one. She would know who was missing.



So back to my family blog. I figured it out. The one missing is me. I am the follower that was lost. I am the ONE, and I count. What I went through today to figure out that it was ME all along.

I thought about what I said Saturday. You have to appreciate the people in your life. Your loved ones. In an instant life changes. You lose the ones you least expect. Life is precious, and we can NEVER take it for granted. What we have is enough. It is ours, good and bad, and we are enough. We are worth it. We count.



You count too. YOU COUNT IN YOUR LIFE, as well as mine.



I just wanted to say. I hope you are all okay. That whatever is going on in blogger world, you are still there, and okay, and know that I know you are missing. Some of you....and I hope that you come back, that your blogs are restored....I am sorry for your loss today.

I hear from Shauna that it is a blogger problem....and hope it will get worked out.

I am working on my problems. I learned a great deal about me today. I care about people. I care about how people care about me. I am insecure, I worry, I get distracted, my mind runs awry. I love people, and I love knowing how you are all doing. I am an okay person, I count, and I matter, and I was missing, have been missing in my own life, missing my own life. I have a lot of work to do, and I need to get on with it. Hope you will be here with me, as I will be with you. Hope you each have a happier day, everyday.

being made whole

"As I listened, the Spirit bore witness of the great miracles of the Atonement and the Savior's power to mend broken hearts, to heal from within. The Savior's parable of the ten lepers took on new meaning.

Luke describes Jesus meeting ten lepers. Upon seeing the Savior, they cried, 'Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.' Jesus responded: 'Go shew yourselves unto the priests.' As they went their way, they were cleansed.

One returned, fell on his face at the Master's feet, and gave thanks. Jesus said, 'Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine? And then the Lord said to the one who returned, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole' (see Luke 17:12-19).

In becoming a whole person, the grateful leper was healed inside as well as on the outside. That day nine lepers were healed skin deep, but only one had the faith to be made whole.

The tenth leper ... [was] changed eternally by [his] faith in the Savior and the healing power of his atonement."

- Merrill J. Bateman, "The Power to Heal from Within," Ensign (CR), May 1995, p.13

I'm Saucy...

thanks Mormon Mommy Blogs

...i needed that!

100ish Reasons I love Mr. B

He loves me, He loves me not,
It matters little I am what he's got.

He helps me with the dishes.

He is dang cute.
He spends time with our kids.

He is adventurous.

He know the worst things about my childhood.




He knows the best things about my childhood.



He knows me.

He loves me.

He loves our children.



He makes 17 hour flights from Japan fun.He hates when I post this picture,
but he still loves me.

He didn't question sewing hundreds
of bells on big caterpillar dragons just
because I said it would make a difference.

He supports me in all my callings.



He works for hours on Pinewood Derby cars.


He helps the kids with their homework.


He works everyday without complaining.




He looks at me the way my
Grandpa looks at my Grandma.

Our four beautiful children.


He rubs my feet.





He reads bedtime stories to the kids.

He tucks them in to bed.

He will spend a Sunday afternoon sitting in
a department store window
with our family, reading books to the
kids, just because I thought it would
be a fun day.

He never forgets my birthday.

He makes our Anniversary special.


He will sleep under the stars with me.

He overcomes his fears
...
He understands mine.

He helps the kids overcome theirs.

He blesses them.

He honors his Priesthood.





He holds me when I cry.





He loves my Grandma.

He knows I miss her so MUCH.

He celebrated her life while she was alive.


He helps me remember how to overcome pain

He is the first person our kids want to hug
when they are in their MOST excited moments.

He makes holidays special.

He makes everyday a holiday.

He is patient.

He is kind.

He is thoughtful.

He is the definition of charity.

He is long suffering.



He has stuck by me through thick and thin

...for better and worse...

in sickness and in health,
till death do us part...

He loved, loves, his father.

He helps me BELIEVE in Eternity.

He lets me be grumpy.

He forgives me.

He makes me laugh, and smile, and cry, and ponder.



He sends me to see my sister. ♥
He knows why she means so much to me.

He watches the sun set with me.

He will call me from work
during the sun sets to
watch it with me over the phone,

He likes my quirky side.

He knows my favorite animals. He lets me call him turtle.


He knows my favorite places.


He takes me there.
He knows where my favorite sunrise is.

He knows my favorite place on earth.



He doesn't know it is in his arms.

He lets me be a dichotomy of myself.

He trusts me.

He lets me be who I am.

He lets me grow and change.

He doesn't live in the past.

He lives in the moment.

He is tender.

He is thoughtful.

He is kind.



He thinks more of us then of himself.

He makes life special.

He makes moments count.
He eats all the leftovers.


He takes us camping.


He shows me the world.


He makes me feel secure.

He keeps us safe.

He prays with our family.


He prays for our family.


HE LOVES MY FAMILY.

He supports all my needs, wants, and
sometimes sillyness.



He makes me mad sometimes, but never for long.

He forgives me OFTEN.



He loves me. He loves me.
He is cuddly.

He takes our fears and teaches us faith.

He never complains about what I spend.

He works hard for us.


He smells good.

He celebrates St. Patricks Day
because it is MY favorite holiday.
He reads my ramblings.

He knows the worst things about me

and he doesn't really think
those things are all that bad.



He loves our kids.

He is there for the little things.


He is there for the big things.


He's the reason I am a mother.



Knowing him makes me want to be
a better person.

He knows my favorite tree.

He knows my favorite time of year.
He loves us.

He loves me.

rEaSONs and SeASonS!!!

101. He will cheer for the LAKERS with me...


and...He is a great GRUMPY bear Uncle.

Love you Mr. B!!!

why i write:

You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experiences.” ~Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

ContENtionS...poor Mr. B.

Please excuse this interruption...I got moody tonight and reacted VERY poorly to some situations. I have to write to heal my grumpyness...here goes:



CONTENTION: an act or instance of contending,

an idea or point for which a person argues, competition.

Okay, I am always dissecting words and their meanings. I find that for me the process of working through things comes from true understanding of them.

Tonight we went to an LDS Temple Open House.

I wrote on my family blog the positive highlights and infer that there are two sides to the story. [if you want an invite to my family blog, please leave your email with your comments.]


in the meantime...
This is the other side of the story.
If you aren't in the mood for a moody rambling, SKIP this and tomorrow I will post about our ANNIVERSARY celebrations. After I work a much needed forgiveness for my reaction...it should be a delightful day.





I find by looking at words, you can really move mountains...

... contention, KNOWING full well that that WORD is what caused my grief tonight amidst the peace of the Temple experience.

I even dissected the experience on I-15 as we drove out there. TELLING EVERYONE ELSE THAT CONTENTION IS the awful root of DESTRUCTIVE REACTIONS that potentially can RUIN family experiences that would OTHERWISE be meaningful memories.



CONTENTION. So destructive, and truly satan's way of COMPETING with the spirit.



Let me suggest something that I discovered. Usually in any given situation which contains CONTENTION, you just have to change a little something here or there. ie: a reaction, a choice of feeling a certain way because of someone else, forgiveness, hope, peace.



When I looked up the word contention I found the word CONTENTMENT right after contention. Actually I found a lot of words surrounding contention, and none of them were as negative. In fact they included:


contemplation: the act of thinking about spiritual things: MEDITATION

contend: COMPLETE, to TRY HARD to deal with

...change one letter...

contenT: pleased, satisfied with what one has to do.

content - 2: to make content...[imagine..an ACTION], to SATISFY

content - 3: freedom from care or discomfort

contented: satisfied, or showing satisfaction with one's possessions or one's situation in life.


and FINALLY I want to get to the word: CONTENTMENT

contentment: FREEDOM FROM WORRY OR RESTLESSNESS:

PEACEFUL SATISFACTION

now, i find in breaking apart these words that when you get rid of ION in contention and replace it with MENT that you have such a better SITUATION.

Here is where I have to suggest that there is two more really important words and definitions.

Tonight the Temple Presentation suggested the definition of restore as being to give back, to return and to put back to use or service. They talked about the RESTORATION of the church, the gospel, and the truth that Families can be FOREVER because the church was restored and our covenants and promises, potentials were restored to us through our Prophet. I felt peace with this.


THEN I REACTED to the contention...rather than minding my own business and peacefully appreciating the moment.

So, tonight, I looked up the word contention and found contentment right next to it.

I thought how perfectly interesting. contentment has MENT, like in the word Atonement.

I have always seen the word ATONEMENT as being AT ONE ME N T....to be at one with me and Christ. The T is the cross, Christ's sacrifice for each one of us and when we become ONE with HIM, he heals us, he carries our burdens, he makes our forgiving others possible, and he makes our being forgiven possible.

All this restored to us through the gospel, and our belief in it. My believing.


So tonight's CONTENTIONS really take on a new light, as I pick apart...I guess I don't need to really do the complaining about each incident. In this new light those circumstances are forgiven and forgotten.



I sat down with the intention to vent my frustrations, thinking certainly that someone would read them and feel really sorry for me. Then I picked up one of my Family History's: The Bigler Heritage. I opened it to page 106, the middle of the book and read from Daniel Erins Autobiography written one year before his death [makes writing a bit of personal history mean so much more to me]:

quote:
"This has been one of the grandest experiences that any man could have--to live with a wife of 56 years. Oh, we've had lots of fights, but they were never serious. My father told me the night I was married, he said, "Now Erin, (he called me Erin, everyone else called me Daniel) I want to give you a little advice. Regardless of how much trouble you and Jenny get into, when you kneel down to pray you put your arm around each other and kiss each otheer good night. The next morning there'll be a happy rainbow for you." I never forgot that. That has been the thing, we have never failed.

The night we were married, we knelt down by the bed and thanked God for the privilege we've had this day in His House of receiving the blessings of eternal marriage. From that day til this, there's never been a night but what she and I have knelt together and prayed and thanked the Lord for our children, for our grandchildren, and all our friends and neighbors and people who've come about us, and pray that we may be able in a pleasing manner to impress them with the principles of the Gospel that has kept us clean and pure all our lives."



Okay, this is a bit long, and it is getting late. But I had to say that I am VERY grateful for the wisdom of these historical words, and the blessing of being pushed a bit to open the book and instead of complaining away my whoas finding a way to show GRATITUDE for being blessed. Contention turns to contentment. And while the problems that happened tonight are not yet resolved, and I have some forgiveness to ask for [my being really mean; REACTING, and such], I HAVE HOPE. And the tools to now move on.


TODAY, our 16th anniversary, which celebrations I was ready to THROW away, and said hurtful things to my husband, and decided to write a rampage rambling, has turned soft.

I have to say thanks to someone for commenting tonight:

"We women can be messed up emotional little things under the best of circumstances. Thank Heavens for the wonderful men that love us." ---BoyMom [she has 7 boys...one husband !!!THANK YOU BOY MOM...!!!]

This comment...made me think about my behavior. The influence we have on one another here is tremendous. Don't take it lightly, for your words made me rethink my reaction and now my actions to heal the hurt I caused will be softer.



And hopefully our 16th Anniversary will be as memorable as the many before, and we will be on our way to 56...g'nite and hugs and love to you...thanks for sharing our adventures! I am glad you are here with me!!!

Mr. B and Fairy Tale Endings...

Okay, okay....yes, one date to proposal...keeping in mind that at Cece's request I HAD to write the proposal...however there is a great deal left unsaid about our courtship.

From St. Patrick's day to shoe trees...I am reliving the moments of our falling in love.

My Mr. B.; no one could have told me that there was such a man.


I do believe that part of being so in love comes from the intense desire that I have come to know as my soul needing to believe.


I was the least of the believers in love. I still to this day CAN NOT begin to know; why ME??? Why did I get to be so lucky?

ME, who had not a clue that love could be this. Not knowing even a mothers love as a child. Not knowing a couples love from my parents example, for there was no love there.

There is now, or at least an appreciation.

I know now that my parents were young, and they didn't understand love then any more than I did. They were not really even trying to make it, and they didn't.


And if I could have sabotaged my own true love I would have. But thanks to Mr. B, thanks to him fighting for something that I was willing to give up, we have made it thus.

We have made it longer than my parents, and with my desire now to believe; in an institution of love and marriage, in my soul I do believe....in fairy tales.

Tomorrow is our anniversary....and there is much to tell.
Still dating to this day....I shall reveal...

Mr. B asks...

This part of the story won't take much to write. For in my heart most of it will stay; locked for my treasure is in that moment. I didn't know that he was going to propose. I didn't dress up. I was in my PINK boots, a warm coat, and oblivious to the beads of sweat forming on his face in the brisk cold of the evening. We had an enjoyable dinner on the top floor of the hotel at Snowbird. He then escorted me from the table, a ride in the elevator, got my door for me and we were on the road, but only for a short ride. He stopped and we walked to the balcony. The snow glisened in the moonlight, he knelt, on the cold ground, and there, in place of the sweat, a tear in his eyes, he asked. I don't really remember his exact words, for the feeling was much stronger than rhetoric. He asked, I said yes. He said something about forever...I said nothing lasts forever. But yes....I want to spend many more moments with you, my B. My best friend, my love, my passion, it was all present in that moment. Looking into his eyes, through my own tears. Tears of surprise, tears of wonder, tears of awe and inspired by his gracious and tender plea. Will you be mine? Yes, over and over. and even forever, for now my heart knows that some things do last, and Mr. B. My promise is forever with you, I do!


To my Cece: thanks for asking.
I love you and I love your daddy; Mr. B.
I do promise forever to both of you,
and even your stinky brothers.

I remember after daddy asked me we went to Grandpa and Grandma's 60th wedding anniversary, and I thought, WOW, some things do last a LONG time. And although at the time I didn't think much of Eternal Love and Marriage, I believe in it now. When you find love, let it be the kind that will last; through thick and thinning hair, through rich and poor, through the highs and lows, and truly for Eternity.

I love you! BOTH!!

is Mr. B daddy?

...it is a good question....i guess i haven't really said that Mr. B is the man i married...

Cece has been reading our love story....and as I read a bit over her shoulder today I HOPED that some of my writing went

OVER HER HEAD. [love you Cece]

anywho...I am back to write; and by her request:

....How did daddy ask you to marry him?

for Tomorrow's edition!

Explanation:
Last night Cece and I had a mommy daughter sleepover...she is such an amazing little girl [12 now]; and I love spending time with her.

I will say that her daddy kicked her out of our room tonight.

He says he doesn't sleep well ALONE in her room
[which I am thankful that he still needs me];

...I am his little heater.

So...during our sleepover we watched Phantom of the Opera; her FAVORITE movie.

Actually we watched it twice... I love the music. I particularly found interest in the lyrics: All I Ask of You.

As my husband and I are about to celebrate our 16th year; sweet 16...,

I find myself reflecting on our years; our trials, our celebrations. ALL we have been through, all he has been through to stand by me, as I heal, and grow, and learn to TRULY love. And, yes, all we have been through has been worth it.

It has never been really easy. Nothing that is worth it is EVER easy.

It has been work, but he has been good to me.
ALwAyS thoughtFUL.

And I am THANKFUL.

Three songs that are OURS; speaking of dancing...we still do; yes, I do:

Following are the lyrics to some of our songs [also for your listening pleasure I have fussed with the playlist...the top three songs are OURS;
first: by Jon Schmidt, the song I do;
which I gave to my MR. B for our 10th anniversary:

Last night, in the quiet, when our day was through,
I listened to you sleeping and stayed awake by you.
And softly, through the evening, there I spoke your name
And told you all the feelings I’ve had.

I sometimes see you sitting by the window in the hall.
Or laughing with the children at the little things you saw.
And lately I’ve been wondering if it’s all I can do
To hold you and to show you I do.

My promise is forever with you

My promise is forever. “I do.”

then, the song he gave me...: She will be Loved [Maroon 5]

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved

And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

and then...today: and for NOW;
a new song to add to our repertoire.

OUR RHAPSODY!

To dance again...our 16th dance...Mr. B.

I have a new song for you.

And yes, Cece, Mr. B is your daddy!


Lyrics to All I Ask of You: [from Phantom]
RAOUL:
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
my words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...

CHRISTINE
Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me with you now and always...
Promise me that all you say is true
that's all I ask of you

RAOUL
Let me be your shelter
let me be your light
You're safe, No one will find you
your fears are far behind you...

CHRISTINE
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me...

RAOUL
Then say you'll share with me
one love, one lifetime
let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you...
anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you...

CHRISTINE
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...
Share each day with me,
each night, each morning...
Say you love me...

RAOUL
You know I do...

BOTH
Love me - that's all I ask of you
Anywhere you go let me go too
Love me - that's all I ask of you...

this is how I feel, now, in this moment and time. I am needing his shelter, from my past, from my mind, my fear, my nightmares.

He is my security, my hope, my shelter.

I LOVE YOU MR. B!

please B Mine!

and tomorrow: by Cece's request....HOW did Mr. B propose to me?!!!???...