repost: Come What WHAT - a rambling...

from december 12, 2008 ---I SURVIVED feeling this way...
and just wanted to share because we all have our days...
i will have plenty more, but today, for some reason, you, one of you,
is, are, on my mind...I am sorry if it is you, being sad is hard..

Hope you will have a happy day soon too!

i am sad tonight. i dont think that this is a good kind of sad. i broke down talking to my son and that was not good, although it made me cry and now i am going to let myself cry and go to bed. i don't understand yet why i am hurting so bad, but something broke in me and i am not the same person that i was. i don't clean, i wear the same clothes day after day. i sleep all day and do nothing productive. i have stopped caring and stopped feeling. and tonight i am sad. i canceled all the dental appointments for next week, i cancelled my surgery. i cant handle having to go anywhere and i cant think of the surgery. emotional disaster. i am so sad, and i miss my grandmas so much. and i cant seem to function. i started to apologize to my son for being such a hoarder, it bothers him, and he is trying to clean stuff up, and he threw away stuff that was good stuff. things that we can donate, and i broke. i told him that i was that child that desperately needed one book, one toy for christmas, and here is my kid throwing away stuff, because he has everything, and he has never had to hurt or worry about having what he wants and needs. so he just throws GOOD stuff away, without thinking of donating. and he threw away a journal item, something precious to my younger son. who didn't feel he could tell his brother to stop throwing stuff away because he wanted to be cool. and he threw away something that my grandma gave me. and that made me break. i hurt so much. i began to cry and then i told him i don't know what is wrong with me, i know i am not the mom he remembers from a couple of years ago. that i am a mess, i told him that i miss grandma, that everything hurts, that i am to the point where i don't care about anything. i feel numb and broken. i was crying so hard, and i feel so useless and that i just needed to write all of this down. i need to go to bed and finish crying. i need to let myself feel and deal with this, and then get up tomorrow, clean up my house, put up a tree and decorate. then i need to START shopping for christmas, it will come, come what may and love it. my grandpa always says that, come what may. so that is what i will do...i wont apologize to you about my rambling. we all have our days. it feels cathardic to share this and to just know that i may be freaking out here, but i am not alone. we all have our days....come what may!

If you want to read his talk, click on the button above, and SHaZaM, your there! ♥

AND if you are looking for something really funny,

instead of my depressed rambling,

check out the site link below,

or the link to Crash Test Dummies on my side bar.

Much better than reading me right now.

Love and HUGS to all you who endure with me ♥