Wednesday, January 21, 2009

repost: Come What WHAT - a rambling...

from december 12, 2008 ---I SURVIVED feeling this way...
and just wanted to share because we all have our days...
i will have plenty more, but today, for some reason, you, one of you,
is, are, on my mind...I am sorry if it is you, being sad is hard..

Hope you will have a happy day soon too!


i am sad tonight. i dont think that this is a good kind of sad. i broke down talking to my son and that was not good, although it made me cry and now i am going to let myself cry and go to bed. i don't understand yet why i am hurting so bad, but something broke in me and i am not the same person that i was. i don't clean, i wear the same clothes day after day. i sleep all day and do nothing productive. i have stopped caring and stopped feeling. and tonight i am sad. i canceled all the dental appointments for next week, i cancelled my surgery. i cant handle having to go anywhere and i cant think of the surgery. emotional disaster. i am so sad, and i miss my grandmas so much. and i cant seem to function. i started to apologize to my son for being such a hoarder, it bothers him, and he is trying to clean stuff up, and he threw away stuff that was good stuff. things that we can donate, and i broke. i told him that i was that child that desperately needed one book, one toy for christmas, and here is my kid throwing away stuff, because he has everything, and he has never had to hurt or worry about having what he wants and needs. so he just throws GOOD stuff away, without thinking of donating. and he threw away a journal item, something precious to my younger son. who didn't feel he could tell his brother to stop throwing stuff away because he wanted to be cool. and he threw away something that my grandma gave me. and that made me break. i hurt so much. i began to cry and then i told him i don't know what is wrong with me, i know i am not the mom he remembers from a couple of years ago. that i am a mess, i told him that i miss grandma, that everything hurts, that i am to the point where i don't care about anything. i feel numb and broken. i was crying so hard, and i feel so useless and that i just needed to write all of this down. i need to go to bed and finish crying. i need to let myself feel and deal with this, and then get up tomorrow, clean up my house, put up a tree and decorate. then i need to START shopping for christmas, it will come, come what may and love it. my grandpa always says that, come what may. so that is what i will do...i wont apologize to you about my rambling. we all have our days. it feels cathardic to share this and to just know that i may be freaking out here, but i am not alone. we all have our days....come what may!

If you want to read his talk, click on the button above, and SHaZaM, your there! ♥

AND if you are looking for something really funny,

instead of my depressed rambling,

check out the site link below,

or the link to Crash Test Dummies on my side bar.

Much better than reading me right now.

Love and HUGS to all you who endure with me ♥

11 comments:

Boy Mom said...

Aww, so sorry your sad. Life freakin' sucks sometimes!

I'll totally get that tattoo with you only I'm too broke right now to figure out Christmas so maybe in January when we'll probably all be way more depressed. I want a frog wearing a crown on account of all my boys I'm trying to ready for princehood.

Grandma's are the greatest! Sometimes I can still feel mine reaching out to me and I know all is not lost.

Enjoy your cry, and know that many people care and are sending those xoxoxoxo's to you.

Don and Susan Brady said...

My mother passed away this time of year 7 years ago. It puts an different feeling to the holidays. All traditions are changed and even the true meaning of christmas can be lost in the pain of lose. You are in my prayers and about the Tattoo, I want to have my eyeliner tattooed on, would that count? Hugs Aunt Susan

colleen said...

Speaking as someone who has been there it sounds like depression. There are things that you can do. I too was so far down that I couldn't stand my own company. I finally talked to my Dr. Give it a try, there is no shame in getting help. We need to be there for our children. It's what your grandmas would want. They wouldn't want you so far gone for them. Remember them in your heart with love, but take care of yourself and those who are still here....make them proud.

Wendyburd1 said...

I agree with Colleen. It sounds like major depression. I am feeling the same way right now, because I am back in that dark place. If you have been feeling this way for while, you need to see your doctor, and he can help find a med that will help. I am always on meds bit most people just need them until they feel like themselves again. Feel free to email me if you want, I know exactly how you feel.

Everyday Mom Designs said...

I'm sorry..

Erin said...

I'm so sorry! Life certainly has ups and downs, doesn't it? It seems like yours is really down right now. Enjoy the Rocky Road, get on some meds, and get the tattoo! Do what you have to do!

Kimberly said...

You don't know me (friend of your friend). I have been where you are and it definitely sounds like some serious depression. You don't have to just wait it out.In There are really good treatments that can give you and your children your life back. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be to treat. You can get help for the hoarding as well. Your son is probably right. The church counseling system really is a great way to start. It's not as scary as it sounds. You are welcome to e-mail me also. Don't wait. You can do it! Kim Hatch

CaJoh said...

Just be sure to know that a lot of people will help you when you ask. We are with you. Good luck.

Motherboard said...

Dude, I'm sorry. I understand.

I agree with the others-- get some meds. There is no shame in it (there are more that take the RX than what you know!) and then know that all of us out here in blog land are here for you when you need us.

Melinda said...

Please get some help. Your children are missing out on their mom. They deserve a happier, healthier you. I agree with getting on meds it really helps. please for the sake of your little ones.

nicole said...

Wow, what an emotionally honest post. I'm so glad you made it through that tough night. Thank you for sharing... because it gives us all strength when we have similar days. You made it through, and so can we! So glad we get to write together on women doing more! :) It's so healing and theraputic to serve others.

on marriage

'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?