im a Mormom, yes i am

honesty, honestly; reader beware!

words. again. I am stuck on words today, and while i am stuck thinking about blogging about words, thank you Heather for being so supportive of my fetishes, ie for now blogging about words, and thank you to others, you know who you are, for you support of my RAMBLINGS, wow, you must really love me to keep coming back for more.

anyhow. i am definitely in a rambling mood. good thing this is not my only place to vent. and since my venting is on so many layers today i have something to say EVERYWHERE. wow, i need meds. so, here i am, it is the sabbath day, and i have enjoyed a beautiful meeting, a beautiful and refreshing and renewing sacrament, and now i find myself waking from a 5 hour nap with my brain firing. for anyone who doesn't know what that means: BE THANKFUL...and pray you never have to find out. seriously, pray. I WILL WAIT.


good, your back, and hopefully safe.

so. i had something to say about me and honesty. not really anything bad, but man, I am WAY to honest. WAY to much of the time. If you don't believe me, here goes...I honestly did tell Mr. B's home teaching supervisor last night that rubbing his wife's nipples would help her to stimulate labor. They (ie HE) sounded desperate. I mean, when your wife gets only 3 days from her due date, that constitutes desperation. Don't believe me, you have probably never been there. Yes, the HTS went running, so did Mr. B. But not before I mentioned something about looking it up on the internet, only to cause worse embarrassment as he was thinking nipple twisting was probably not two words that go well in your internet search engine.

if i were catholic that would merit a father forgive me moment. Being Mormon I think I am safe, well safe enough. I still have my calling, which is like a job in our church, which doesn't mean much, it just means they are still desperate.

I conducted today [Sunday] in Relief Society and to save any of you readers who are still reading from over share I will just stop at that. it wasn't as bad as last nights honesty, but close. i guess when you have lived my life you have a lot to say that people respond in shock and horror over. i don't know any different or any better. it is the only life i know, and i guess when lessons are taught from a holy errr than holy level, which tends to happen, most people don't realize just how bad things can get, and that families are forever sounds more like a threat to some people, and that it really doesn't make for an easy lesson to live through, when you know the things i learned early only in my life. lets just say my comments began with something to do with a wrecking ball, and the destruction of a childhood, and not really being a fan of live perfect and you have nothing to fear....i am not sure who i am tied to for eternity at this point, but i am thankful that the link goes back to adam and eve, and that i will somewhere find contentment with the sisters that i dearly love, enjoy, and appreciate, the sisters I meet with each week, my sisters, by family, my daughter, my cousins, dear aunts, grandmothers....i may not be their child....born into the covenant as they say, but somewhere i will be collected up and kept, i had two offers from sisters in Relief Society to take me if i am so orphaned in heaven, as here on earth.

phew, that was way to long, but to save me from having to go back, read and edit, i will just begin a new paragraph, and get to my point...hopefully you stopped reading too and just began again here. so...my point, yes, i have one. my cousin LeShel blogged about this baby making her butt look big, and my sister Suzie told me a funny this week about a kid asking a lady if a baby was growing in her stomach what was growing in her butt, so I blame both of you. Its not a bad blame, it is a THANK YOU because i had just the right words to deal with a circumstance at church today.

Here goes, yes, actually my point: At church many things happened today, of which I want to blog three.

1) after relief society i get my usual dose of sisters needing to report something and today was not unusual. I decided to handle it with flair. as the complaint was coming in about something that i had missed during the week, something that i should have handled/ie taken care of, remembered....deadlines. I don't understand deadlines at church, and being just a week shy of post-operative, and finally sober from the meds that I have been on, and still swollen, not bending well, just thankful that I was upright, and for girdles,,,,yes, thankful for girdles, which can hold in stuff that you need holding in I was able to look at this lady....ie the complainer, and just say in response to what I was missing that should have been/could have been done [certainly not life or death....i mean this is church, and it didn't have to do with food, oxygen, water or shelter, the essential essentials] and say...."Does this surgery make my butt look big."

Yes, that is my exact words. let me repeat: "Does this surgery make my butt look big."

she stopped. and i said sorry, i was just wondering. go on, what were you saying. to which she said. oh....i heard you had surgery, and i said, yes, and what is it that i missed, hmmm, i will get to that right away....after my nap of course.

okay, item #2 this story includes Mr. B and let me just forewarn you that stories that include Mr. B are usually inappropriate and sometimes really painful. reader beware.

Elder Johnson came up to me, right after talking to the sister about my butt looking big, and right before story number three, which is a J-9 story and also includes Elder Johnson. If you don't know Elder Johnson don't worry, just click on his picture here and you will be taken to one of my favorite talks from conference. all his talks are good, but i really loved this one.

(yes, loving this talk may confuse you being that i struggle with what i mentioned earlier, but focus on the restoring part....it is my hope, i love my family, and i pray for that restoration of the family that i belong to, i want to be with everyone of them.)

okay, now to continue he comes up to me and takes my hand, not uncommon, his wife is my visiting teacher, and they are an amazing couple, but today he says, i will never forget and always remember, "Dear Stacie, your daughter is an amazing young girl, i could not overcome how beautiful in spirit she was in Young Women s today [yes, I just said Young Women s, and yes, I am having a hard time with that as well.] She is an amazing young girl and you should be really proud of her. I can tell that she has been taught well in your home."

oh course i said thank you, i think, i was so overcome. Cece-12 was called and sustained as the Beehive Counselor; G-14 as the Teacher Quorum President, so it was a nice meeting all together.

and that was probably the nicest moment of getting a compliment about your child I have ever had. It wasn't his words, with was the feeling and the spirit that I felt while he was saying them. Amazing.

okay, i haven't mentioned Mr. B in this story yet, and here is where the story gets interesting...
Mr. B and i over lunch were talking, yes, we talk.

and he mentions that Elder Johnson came into the clerks office and took his hand and complimented him on Cece. He tells me the conversation:

Elder Johnson: Brother, Your daughter Cece is a beautiful and amazing young girl, with an amazing spirit and strength, I don't know where you got her, but she is something special.

Brian: Oh, she's from the postman....


to which Elder Johnson did not reply beyond saying that we were fortunate to have her.....did you expect him to....GEEZ Mr. B...the postman, the milkman, the milkmaid, the paper boy...always some comment on who they belong to when he is complimented on our children.

anyhow, i am going to move on before i say what is on my mind..

so, Elder Johnson is speaking to me and J-9 looks up at him and says, "Yeah, this is my mom but I don't live with her right now. I moved out. I live with my aunt. I only see my mom at church."

OH YES HE DID.

(I can hear Suzie right now saying, OH NO HE DIDN"T, you are aren't you....}

Yes, he did, he said it. How do you follow your child when they tell an apostle of the Lord that you are their mom...but that they don't live with you.

I say: "Yes, he moved out until Tuesday morning, it is just something he is trying."

To which J-9 said: "No, not just trying it out, I don't live with her [pointing to me] right now."

okay, at this point I just smiled, because I know enough from family services in my childhood it is just best not to say anything more....


and that was our Sabbath. How was yours?

just in case this was all together too long and you didn't want to read it i will post a picture for your pleasure. I love visual rhetoric. okay....happy day!

100 things...some i've done

Life's a jouney....did this and I thought it looked like fun.
(just copy and paste) If you play along,
leave me a comment so I can see your list.
Bold whatever you have done.


1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland.
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo.
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked.
23. Taken a sick day when you're not sick.
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Run a marathon.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise.
33. Seen Niagra Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Seen and Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to truly be satisfied.
38. Seen the leaning tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo's David.
41. Sung karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served in a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Gotten flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp.
67. Bounced a check.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the changing of the guards in London.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Been to the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the paper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had Chicken pox.
89. Saved someone's life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a lawsuit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day.

word verification wednesday goes wrong

kind of like girls gone bad. why did i comment this:

snatic: the static in your nose
when the snot makes it stick.

that is just gross.

So, click on the snatic to see last weeks game, or click on the other snatic to play this week on Thou Shalt not Whine's website. thanks for the game fun!!!

a little nerdie

i really enjoyed our last scout meeting with my oldest son. i love the clapping, i love the cheers, i love seeing children acknowledged for accomplishments. but what i love most is knowing that there is a program worthwhile for my sons to participate in where grown men will share feelings and thoughts that i am quite certain i would not get into my sons head alone. Thank you leaders.

tonight the scoutmasters minute went as such.

I will write in first person, as he spoke it, but it is not verbatim.

"I was married a couple of years ago.
My father in law is a biologist.
I have always listened to him talk about biology things that are just a little nerdy.

Most recently he has shared with my wife and I about bird watching. Sound a little nerdy...probably because it is. You get your little book of birds, your old tape recorder of bird sounds, your binoculars and you watch...For birds. Thats it.

You look for their colors, their flight patters, listen for their songs. Yep, nerdy.

Well most recently I learned something about this. I went to a campground this past summer. We hiked, we played, we camped. It was awesome.

Later in the year we were assigned to do a bird watch at the very same campground. Yep, me, a bird watch. Sound a little nerdy. Yep. I got my book of birds, I got a tape recorder of bird sounds, and I got my binoculars and we went back to that same campground.

And do you know what. We looked for birds.

And do you know what. WE FOUND BIRDS.

Yep, and guess what else. I had a much better time than I ever had before.
I had something I was looking for and I found it. I have to say, in life.

If you know what you are looking for, you WILL FIND IT.

As is with the gospel of Jesus Christ. He has given us a little bit of instruction, and a way to find Him, and if you look for Him in life, you will find Him.

Whatever you look for in life, you will find."

Amen to that.

I don't mind being a little nerdie once in a while.
It looks good on me. And it feels good in me.

a Rambling Rhetorical Review of Discrimination

Discrimination. The act of distinguishing differences between one thing and another. Distinguishing, showing favoritism, a perception of difference or critic of one thing over another. An ability to discern that something is better. No where in the 2^nd College Edition of the New World Dictionary of the American Language does it refer to discrimination potential for human beings, only things. Are we human beings mere things? This is the issue, and is it really black or white?

Here in the New World, English was adopted as the native language; we speak a language from a foreign country. We propose to be American; a people of this land, yet we are immigrants no less. And we claim to equally speak English, but do we really speak American, Mexican, black, Chinese, German? Is our speech about the language, or is it about the color of our roots. And is it really language or is it dialect? The roots of these questions are as ugly and as obvious as a bad bottle job on prom night. Obviously we still associate people with things.

What does our reaction to the reference of speaking Mexican say about who we are? Does our reaction prove we human beings are being human things? Are we what we speak?

In any new situation by nature we begin to acclimate ourselves to what is familiar, as well as make quick judgments about what is not. We associate comfort with things that are similar to ourselves. We hear sounds and we use our background to make associations to things we are familiar with or whether the sounds are entirely new to us. When something is new we discriminate, it is good, is it bad, is it comfortable, is it worthwhile, is it black or is it white? Again, all our discrimination point to things, not beings. The real issue for me is when in society did we begin to associate human beings with being human things.

My initial thought to whether or not I judged others based on their dialect was that no, I did not notice, but as I took the racial profiling quiz I realized that it is very natural to me to think that I hear a race within a sound. That became very deceiving to me as I watched some of the videos. I did not like learning about myself that auditory profiling feels natural, as if it is part of a that person’s very make up. And my judgments are a very part of mine. From the exercise I became acutely aware of the differences in dialect within my home, how my son talks to me adversely when he talks to his friends, and then how he talks to me around his friends. Why does he feel the need to change his dialect so much? It felt very personal to me that he sounded different talking to me about taking him to his basketball game because his friend was in the room. It was very apparent to me as he called later to apologize to me for talking the way he did, that he was even as aware of the difference in his tone. This same son has strong opinions about half of his school speaking Mexican, as if he is better than they. An issue that makes me wonder WHERE he came from; and certainly where he adopted his opinions from.

It is time to disembark old ways and to engage in ways of a true New World. Ways that allow us all to talk in our language, our English, native to our home, and possibly no different than how we would speak to our mothers, friends present or not; kinder and gentler tones, in how we speak and in how we listen. Is there a possibility of discoloring language, so that we are more beings than things? While I have never thought of myself as a person who hears color, I do think that it is a little too human being that we hear in color. And we all alter our voices to some degree or another when we are talking. The emphasis we put on our words through sound sometimes says more than the words themselves.

In accounting for the anger and frustration that people feel when being judged for the sound of their voice, their reactions are rightly so. There is nothing more personal than what truly comes from within and your voice is the most within thing that you can portray. It is so personal to you and yet so far from the person you are.

I think possibly we can change, I think there is a New World English that habituates all our ways, collectively, all our tones, divisively, and has the potential to make us auditory blind and true listeners; deaf to the color of our sound. A favorable future; auspicious, authentic, American.

Why I sit through Church.

Why I sit through Church.

notice the period at the end of that title. because it is a statement, not a question.

here goes:


I love the music.
I love being able to sit for three hours once a week.
I love learning.

not in that order necessarily.

so here is what i learned this week,
that will keep me coming back for more.

This past Sunday was High Council Sunday. For those of you who are not Latter Day Saints of the Church of Jesus Christ, as I am definition here: High Council does not mean they are passing out pot, however, if that will get you to try coming...go ahead and think so and join us. This is better than pot, or any other recreational high. this is better, and yes, I can speak for that.

So, High Council Sunday has been said to be Dry Council Sunday, or Nap time Sunday, many LDS congregations avoid High Council Sunday, even the Men on the High Council make fun of it. It is generally the longest meeting of the month, the most painful meeting of the month, and you are guaranteed a nap. It has been said. I actually love High Council Sunday, and not because of the drugs...jk.


okay, so here is what I learned at church this past Sunday:

Brother W. recalled that Joseph Smith, who translated the Book of Mormon,
he was recalling the story of Joseph Smith reading the Bible and reading in James 1:5, "if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God."

But he didn't stop there, he went on to say the following passage,
verses 6-8: But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.
For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

okay...you see why I listened...a double minded...unstable man...[well, woman], yes, I thought he was talking ABOUT me.

You can't serve two gods, he goes on to say. And personally, I know this to be true, so I am really listening here. He goes on to teach that thoughts and actions if that do not conform to our own asperations and intentions of the heart we must purify our hearts and actions of all double mindedness.

the bottom line here is stability. the less stable, the less happy we are. I mean a house built upon an unstable foundation will crumble and fall. He is now teaching about becoming one minded, and the wrestling between "I really should, I really shouldn't", our personal inner war, and how hard it is to wrestle with what is right and wrong.

No matter your religion, we all have this to work with. A house divided fails, hence, divide and conquer. it is self-destructive. Which is why we make covenants, promises, why we follow our inner compass, or at least, why we should.

We are more pure and more divine if we follow our inner compass, it will bring us to what we are becoming a much happier people.

We live moment by moment, sometimes minute by minute, decision by decision. In order to have balance and harmony within us is a matter of what we do externally with the moment, minutes, decisions.

We have to learn to be true to ourselves, in order to have fullfillment, and pure joy.

No worries, if you are double minded and unstable. Me too.

But we can become single minded. First we have to become confident in our decision to do so. To really focus on doing.

This is a good time, as good as any, to commit to do better at the things that we know and feel are right. Every one of us has an inner compass, which compass guides and directs us.

Me, I am going to take his words to heart. I am going to remember the feeling I had Sunday, and access that which I know to be true to become what He, my Father in Heaven, knows I can become.

Father in Heaven is God, we just like to call him Father, it is more endearing. We also call him God, so whatever.

But I know that He knows me, He cares about me, and He does want me to find my inner potential and beauty, particularly because He has given to me children to raise and I think He doesn't want me screwing up the beginning of their lives.

I know about this because I make a lot of mistakes, and I feel the reprimand of a Father.

So what do we do when we find ourselves in a fog? Where is the comfort that we can find our way back to where we need to be? To become one minded. To become single minded. To be stable. Because if there ever was a drug being handed out for stability that would be the one I would want.

Well, we believe in an Atonement. That is basically what our Savior Jesus Christ did for us. And it is what brings us at one with him. hence the a tone ment, meaning at one me and T. The T is like the cross that Jesus died on. Okay, our church doesnt teach it that way....but I am big on figuring out ways to remember how to spell things, and I came up with this when I was a teenager, maybe pre-teen. And it has stuck with me.

What does the at one men T mean to me?

To become my true best self. The transformation of me is my personal journey. It is about becoming my best me, becoming the most wonderful person that I can possible become, putting all my effort, my faith, my soul into trusting in the Father in Heaven, accessing the power of the love from Jesus Christ, and becoming ME.

With or without religion isn't that a natural feeling that we all have as humans, how do I become my best self. It is a conquer the world kind of feeling.

Well, I believe them when I hear them say the worth of a soul, a single soul is amazing. I believe them when they say that Heavenly Father does not gage us by our deeds alone, he sees our infinate worth. What we are becoming.

So, in my own tendency to be double minded and unstable, I have hope that what I am becoming is enough. That I can believe this and it is enough to just keep doing my personal best every day. And then letting him work a miricle on me. Let him make me who he sees me to become. Give of myself where I can. Lift someones burdens so they are lighter for them, where I can. Love one another, and just keep trying my very best. It is enough. And when the time comes, to accept what the Savior does, to make up the difference, and just say thank you. Those words, Thank you. For what he had done for us is enough. It was and always is the way back to our Heavenly Home. To trust, to believe, to do our best, and then to allow Him to do the rest.

I am pretty excited as I think about this. Yes, discouragement will still come in it's moments, but it is good for me to know that today, I knew. I am good enough.

Got Org???

Both of these beautiful buttons will take you to Stacey's blog
Got Org?

I love her site, and not because it is filled with
swirling chocolate,
but that is what addicted me to follow her.

I am writing because she has challenged her
followers to do something.

quote:

* Challenge is as follows:

A. Review all past postings and keep visiting me here at Got Org

B. Take one of the ideas that you learned about here and put it into action. Remember to take BEFORE pictures. This could be a closet, a basement or garage or an entire room. You choose. It could be anything you utilized from this blog.

C. Take After pictures and then be ready to enter the competition by April 1st, no this is not an April Fool's day joke.

D. If this is something that you can't really take a picture of ( ie: computer, or time management stuff) then write an essay describing what you thought about the idea, how you put it into practice and how your life is better using this tool.

STACEY- six basic organization concepts

S- start it
T- toss, it
A- assign
C- containerize
E- exercise, work it out
Y -you, what works for U

unquote


so I am taking her challenge,
and i am going to organize something...
probably my bedroom,
although many parts of the house will
literally fall in to place
if i begin this project.

i do things best when i am accountable to someone
so

PLEASE, I need two people who will
follow Stacey's blog,
and who will poke at me until i get this
project done.

ANYONE??

link to Very Funny Friday game!

Focus Friday: H

Hope
Happiness
Health
Heart
Hands
Home
Heaven

talk about LOOT for moms!!

I got the nicest package in the mail.

let me explain.

see that followers/friends thing in the right sidebar of my blog. well, i clicked on one of those, one that helps me to find and use the bargains out there, a blog called Mom's Loot...
and she decided that to thank her followers she would send some loot.

Talk about KINDNESS. Not only that but each of the loot items meant something, see below.
Well, that leaves me to say THANK YOU to Lynn;

for being such a nice person;

Not only did she create a blog that does so much for my family in the way of savings...but then to send me something so sweet in the mail.

It came on a day when I was struggling with my feelings...recovering from a surgery and feeling a bit down. It was SOOO timely!!!

so THANKS to Mom's Loot. Check her out. She is amazing!!!

quote [below] and ALL pictures are from her site:
Pillow - the gift of COMFORT -
knowing that someone out there hears my voice and likes it !

Chocolates - the gift of KINDNESS -
how sweet and thoughtful you all are.

Clock - the gift of TIME-
the precious time you spend reading my posts.

Body wash - the gift of CLEAN and FRESH-
the nice , upbeat comments you all leave for me.

Ceramic Plaques - the gift of YOU -
a reminder that I value you as friends and trust you too !
unquote


SWEET!!!

THANKS you BEAUTIFUL LADY!!!!!

Magic Moments with My Baby:

Magic Moments....

i posted this on my family blog site a long time back
my neice said,
"look mommy, j put the lid on stacie."

so cute...both of them.

Women Doing More!

Check out Women Doing More! Click on the link for a fabulous article on Donating The Gift of Life by Nicole from Hudson Headlines. Good things come in the small package of our love, our time, our care; and most times because of our prayer. Lot's of good articles there...write something for them...spread the word on ways you know giving makes a difference; a difference in your life and in the lives of those around you. Hey...if I can write for them - - - YOU can too!!!

being vulnerable...

i just reposted something that makes me really vulnerable. i wanted to say thanks to my readers. i have only been posting on this blog since October 2008. I know, it looks like longer. I created this blog as an addendum to my family blog. i needed a place free and safe to vent, and to share positive light moments. my family blog is great, but I don't get a lot of feedback there, and hey, let's face it. we all need attention, good positive attention. i am really liking the world we live in. one where we can feel so lonely, alone, and as though no one could understand how we feel, and then this.....[and i still love my family blog, i just don't get as much support there, so i do it for the enjoyment of my kids. THEY love when I post about them. ....so proud to hear them say, hey Mom, blog that, blog my story, blog my game, etc....yes, fun!!!].

so thanks, to all of you who read, and follow, and COMMENT - woo hoo,
for letting me know that I am not alone in this big world, and in the feelings that I have and in my experiences.

No one could have told me back in October, when I was feeling so lonely, so needy, that I would be where I am now, feeling noticed, not alone, and thankful. for you.


For this venue that allows us to reach out to one another. Hey, i am facing it. i write because I like you. I like hearing from you. And i like reading about your lives as well. thanks for being here for me. even when I am not as good about getting around to comment. I do care that you are here, and i will try to do better. please leave me a comment if you are coming here. i want to repay the favor by reading and I don't want to miss anyone. thanks.

Here is a couple of awards for all of you.

Take one, two, all three, you deserve them!!!!

EVERY ONE OF YOU who COME READ. THANKS!!!!

repost: Come What WHAT - a rambling...

from december 12, 2008 ---I SURVIVED feeling this way...
and just wanted to share because we all have our days...
i will have plenty more, but today, for some reason, you, one of you,
is, are, on my mind...I am sorry if it is you, being sad is hard..

Hope you will have a happy day soon too!

i am sad tonight. i dont think that this is a good kind of sad. i broke down talking to my son and that was not good, although it made me cry and now i am going to let myself cry and go to bed. i don't understand yet why i am hurting so bad, but something broke in me and i am not the same person that i was. i don't clean, i wear the same clothes day after day. i sleep all day and do nothing productive. i have stopped caring and stopped feeling. and tonight i am sad. i canceled all the dental appointments for next week, i cancelled my surgery. i cant handle having to go anywhere and i cant think of the surgery. emotional disaster. i am so sad, and i miss my grandmas so much. and i cant seem to function. i started to apologize to my son for being such a hoarder, it bothers him, and he is trying to clean stuff up, and he threw away stuff that was good stuff. things that we can donate, and i broke. i told him that i was that child that desperately needed one book, one toy for christmas, and here is my kid throwing away stuff, because he has everything, and he has never had to hurt or worry about having what he wants and needs. so he just throws GOOD stuff away, without thinking of donating. and he threw away a journal item, something precious to my younger son. who didn't feel he could tell his brother to stop throwing stuff away because he wanted to be cool. and he threw away something that my grandma gave me. and that made me break. i hurt so much. i began to cry and then i told him i don't know what is wrong with me, i know i am not the mom he remembers from a couple of years ago. that i am a mess, i told him that i miss grandma, that everything hurts, that i am to the point where i don't care about anything. i feel numb and broken. i was crying so hard, and i feel so useless and that i just needed to write all of this down. i need to go to bed and finish crying. i need to let myself feel and deal with this, and then get up tomorrow, clean up my house, put up a tree and decorate. then i need to START shopping for christmas, it will come, come what may and love it. my grandpa always says that, come what may. so that is what i will do...i wont apologize to you about my rambling. we all have our days. it feels cathardic to share this and to just know that i may be freaking out here, but i am not alone. we all have our days....come what may!

If you want to read his talk, click on the button above, and SHaZaM, your there! ♥

AND if you are looking for something really funny,

instead of my depressed rambling,

check out the site link below,

or the link to Crash Test Dummies on my side bar.

Much better than reading me right now.

Love and HUGS to all you who endure with me ♥

Blog That!!!

S, age 9: Why is EVERYTHING about blogging now days?


Me: What, as opposed to the olden days, when we had to etch everything in stone? PULLLEEESE, you don't know how good you have it!!!!!

Wordless Wednesday! -- with aunt bear!

what do you notice?

I ask because here is my conversation with J after school today.

me: How was school?

J: Good.

me: Did you watch the inauguration?

J: Yes. It was really boring.

J: Did you see President Bush kiss that lady?

me: uh hu.

J: it was GROSS. You never know where that mouth has been.

the Fierceness of NOW.

"the Fierceness of NOW." those are some of the words being used to describe what was just seen as history as President-Elect Barack Obama took the helm of America while looking over the sea of humanity from the inaugural platform. He describes our America as being amidst gathering clouds and storms, but as people we must remain faithful to the founding documents.

I love that, because I love words, and if we could be more true to the documents that founded our great nation, amidst the storms of the past, if we could remember that we have made history of worse times than we face now, if we could be true and faithful, we will prevail. And we will prevail a much stronger, much more compassionate, much more happy nation. Because we are in charge of our own happiness, because it is up to us to achieve it.

He talked today about the friend that we are to so many nations, and the friend we must become to all nations. "Our founding fathers faced with peril troubles we can scarcely imagine," loosely quoted. "Our power grows through prudent use." Anyone who parents knows this truth.

"Our patchwork heritage is our strength"...and like a "parents willingness to nurture a child...nothing is so satisfying as giving our all to a difficult task."

He talks about our America as being amidst a crisis, a nation at war, with a weakened economy. That we must make hard choices. That in the very way we use energy today we are strengthening our enemies. There is a nagging fear that the next generation must lower their sites. He says, "the challenges are real....but they will be met. On this day we choose hope over fear...unity over dissension."

Two prayers opened and closed the inaugeral address, "May we have wisdom to work for a prosperous nation and peaceful planet, ...responsibility in our actions and humility in our approach." and,

"What if the mightiest word is LOVE."

What if...

A poet recited. "Each day we go about our business..all about us is noise..and bramble...and thorns...each one of our ancestors is on our tongue...we are repairing the things in need of repair...we walk into that which we can not see...many have died to make today...the figuring it out at the dinner table...do no harm...take no more...and yes, What if the mightiest word is love?"

"Lord, thou keep us in the path, ...may we forever stand true to thee."

It was an inaugural address that I am proud to know my kids will never forget, and always remember....and not because Barack is black, but because he said "Yes, we CAN", because there is possibility of unity, because they feel the responsibility of their future is true to their own desire of their heart, their dreams can come true, and all and only because they are willing to work for what they have.

Nothing is given, but that which is worked hard for is earned.

How I did on the Color Test!

Colors I got:
Black, Blue, Gold, Green, Green yellow, Grey, Lemon, Lime, Orange, Pink, Purple, Red, Tan, Tangerine, Violet, White, Yellow,...


Colors I missed:
Alice blue, Alizarin, Amaranth, Amber, Amethyst, Apricot, Aqua, Aquamarine, Asparagus, Auburn, Azure, Baby blue, Beige, Bistre, Blue green, Blue violet, Bondi blue, Brass, Bright green, Bright turquoise, Brilliant rose, Bronze, Brown, Buff, Burgundy, Burnt orange, Burnt sienna, Burnt umber, Camouflage green, Caput Mortuum, Cardinal, Carmine, Carnation pink, Carrot orange, Celadon, Cerise, Cerulean, Cerulean blue, Chartreuse, Chartreuse yellow, Chestnut, Chocolate, Cinnabar, Cinnamon, Cobalt, Copper, Copper rose, Coral, Coral red, Corn, Cornflower blue, Cosmic latte, Cream, Crimson, Cyan, Dark blue, Dark brown, Dark cerulean, Dark chestnut, Dark coral, Dark goldenrod, Dark green, Dark khaki, Dark pastel green, Dark pink, Dark salmon, Dark slate gray, Dark spring green, Dark tan, Dark tangerine, Dark turquoise, Dark violet, Deep cerise, Deep fuchsia, Deep lilac, Deep magenta, Deep peach, Denim, Dodger blue, Ecru, Electric blue, Electric green, Electric indigo, Electric lime, Electric purple, Emerald, Eggplant, Falu red, Fern green, Flax, Forest green, French Rose, Fuchsia, Fuchsia Pink, Gamboge, Golden brown, Golden yellow, Goldenrod, Grey asparagus, Han Purple, Harlequin, Heliotrope, Hollywood Cerise, Hot Magenta, Hot Pink, Indigo, Klein Blue, Islamic green, Ivory, Jade, Kelly green, Khaki, Lavender, Lemon chiffon, Light blue, Lilac, Linen, Magenta, Malachite, Maroon, Maya blue, Mauve, Mauve Taupe, Medium blue, Medium carmine, Medium purple, Midnight Blue, Mint Green, Misty rose, Moss green, Mountbatten pink, Mustard, Navajo white, Navy Blue, Ochre, Old Gold, Old Lace, Old Lavender, Old Rose, Olive, Olive Drab, Olivine, Orange Peel, Orange Red, Orchid, Pale blue, Pale brown, Pale carmine, Pale chestnut, Pale cornflower blue, Pale magenta, Pale pink, Pale red violet, Papaya whip, Pastel green, Pastel pink, Peach, Peach orange, Peach yellow, Pear, Periwinkle, Persian blue, Persian green, Persian indigo, Persian red, Persian pink, Persian rose, Persimmon, Pine Green, Pink orange, Powder blue, Puce, Prussian blue, Psychedelic purple, Pumpkin, Raw umber, Red violet, Robin egg blue, Rose, Rose Taupe, Royal blue, Royal purple, Russet, Rust, Safety Orange, Saffron, Sapphire, Salmon, Sandy brown, Sangria, Scarlet, School bus yellow, Sea Green, Seashell, Selective yellow, Sepia, Shamrock green, Shocking Pink, Silver, Sky Blue, Slate grey, Smalt, Spring bud, Spring green, Steel blue, Tangerine yellow, Taupe, Tea Green, Tea rose, Teal, Tenne, Terra cotta, Thistle, Turquoise, Tyrian purple, Ultramarine, Vermilion, Viridian, Wheat, Wisteria, Zinnwaldite,

Okay SMARTIE!

Go ahead and take the color test and see if you can do better!!! Tomorrow at 339 my results will publish and the list of colors I missed as well. It is HARDER than you think! Good luck and let me know how you do!!!

Martin Luther King Jr. Essay

Martin Luther King Jr. Essay

by: G

age 14

Every day is different because we make it different. Every person is different, just like a snowflake. But they are different in a way that helps support the world in the society we live in today, like individual snowflakes; they all contribute significantly to the beauty and peace of a winter storm. And one idea that a person develops can change the world’s perception on life, for the better; simply because it’s new.

“Martin Luther king began his long and strenuous quest On December 1, 1955, when forty-three year old Rosa Parks boarded a Montgomery, Alabama city bus after finishing work as a tailor's assistant at the Montgomery Fair department store. As all black patrons were required to do, she paid her fair at the front of the bus and then re-boarded in the rear. She sat in a vacant seat in the back next to a man and across the aisle from two women.

After a few stops, the seats in the front of the bus became full, and a white man who had boarded stood in the aisle. The bus driver asked Parks, the man next to her, and the two women to let the white man have their seats. As the others moved, Parks remained in her seat. The bus driver again asked her to move, but she refused. The driver called the police, and she was arrested. She did not know it at the time, but this courageous act would lead to a 382 day bus boycott and the desegregation of buses throughout the United States…” These were the circumstances of Dr. King as described by Jessica McElrath.

Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. A dream that was distinguishable from all others! He took the ideas from this dream to make one of the most famous speeches in American history. His speech is called “I have a dream.” The definition of dream as is follows: something of unreal beauty. What Martin saw was solely of an unbeknown beauty that was just waiting to be discovered, as if he knew the beauty that could be of a winter storm. The kind of beauty and peace we still are discovering today.

One quote from this speech is: "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." For Dr. King to have the ability then to see someone for who they are and not for the color of their skin, their economical standings, or the level of education they have achieved. This ability must be a privilege that, I bet you, is taken for granted by so many today, and yet undiscovered by some.

Martin Luther King was a man that could indeed see people for who they are and what their potential was. He saw America during its most difficult time. The citizens of this country were in peril they were confused and felt threatened thus they resulted in violence and outrage. Famously quoted, "Peace cannot be achieved through violence; it can only be attained through understanding." These wise words from Ralph Waldo Emerson present an inference that violence truly cannot be obtained thru violence but rather by the concept of awareness that we all were created in the image of God to be like Him. And that one person cannot become magnificent without others; without the comprehension that in order to make a snow fort we need each of the individual, the different but necessary snowflakes, to bond together and make something that we all can benefit from.

Martin Luther king saw this violence and realized that it is indeed the last resort a coward has to rely on. Martin Luther king saw this and decided to initiate the undoing of racial segregation and racial discrimination through civil disobedience and other non-violent means. His reputation to do this preceded him. He was so influential that at his “I have a dream” speech in 1963 during the March on Washington there were over two hundred thousand people in attendance.

I have had the chance to hear the stories of the Martin Luther King Jr. assassination. On April 4, 1968 Martin Luther King Jr. was on the balcony of the Lorraine Hotel in Memphis Tennessee. As he lay sprawled on the floor of the balcony blood dripping from his neck; a great man lies dead, a legend was born.

This man gave up his life for a protest against discrimination and violence. James Earl Ray was the man arrested for the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. But many think he is innocent, even the family of Martin himself continue to wonder.

Martin Luther King Jr. was a man of great ability and great accomplishment. Lloyd Alexander once said "Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage and true progress." This is a quote that can describe each and every one of us if we allow it to. Who we are today is only part of who we are becoming tomorrow. Martin Luther King Jr. was a man of superb brilliance that took this statement to mind and, therefore, set forth on what he knew would change the world as he had known it. He believed, yes, he had a dream.

Here dies a man who understood what he wanted and he fought for it, his honor, his life, his legacy is testimony of his words, his beliefs, and in losing his life he bore the dream to our Nation. The members of his family and all of those who believed in what he so profoundly spoke of remember his legacy and honor it; those that don’t are truly in a state of confusion. Confused that only one man, Martin Luther King Jr. had enough emotion and willpower to perceive something they couldn’t fathom. Martin Luther King Jr. knew what the problem was; he saw it and went forth so that his children could have a better life. I will let Thomas Carlyle congratulate Martin on his achievements by saying: “Let each become all that he was created capable of being.” Which is exactly what Martin wanted; his dream has become our reality.

another Wendyburd tag!!! THANKS ♥

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
no, but if I had a twin, which I pretended that I did and have scarred my baby sister for life pretending that my twin Stephanie was an alien...and she totally believed me. sorry sweetie. you can blog nasty things about me for this if it would be therapeutic to tell someone about it. love you. I still love that name...and actually decided if I have another girl I would name her Steavie....cute???

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED AND WHY?
When I got the results of my Mental Health Evaluation and found out that I have a Mental Illness....which made all the world crumble around me, and I sobbed for days, without explanation, which totally freaked my kids out, and made everything worse. and now I get that I just needed a good breakdown because my grandmother had passed away and I wasnt dealing with the pain of loss from death, as if I had never experienced it, and then I had a physical, distraught as I was looking and filled out paperwork while in this condition which made me feel even crazier than normal....and i learned that having a combination of ocd and manic moodyness, with a downer of depression/anxiety is not supposidly NORMAL....so i am anti-normal, and I cry alot when I hurt....which I actually think is normal

now, anyone who just read that last paragraph....please tell me: YES, you feel this way sometimes, or NO, you are DEFINATLY CRAZY girl....let me know what you think...and be honest...k


YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
lOvE my own Handwriting....actually I write journals as much as I type blogger stuff/FB/Emails/personal history, etc....

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
a black forest ham, anyday...unless you have a real bone in ham....i love that too, with swiss cheese....wait, I am going to have a slice, be right back...

☺





DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
yes, lucky to have four....almost couldn't have any....so very thankful, and just thankful.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
mmmmmmmm, yes, I think so.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
way to much....not good for parenting, that's for sure!!!

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I actually don't know...no, I think I had them out.... hmmm, silly.


WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I agree with WEndyBurD on this one...
quote:
"No bloody way. I don't "love" heights. And knowing my luck, I would be the bad statistic and the bungee would break." unquote

I feel sick just thinking about it,,,,and the bounce part, looks like a bad case of whiplash.

quote again:
"AAAAGGGHHH!"
unquote



WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Froot Loops, Puffed Rice, Cheerios with cream, or hot cereal...



DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No, i have slip ons'. Kids dont either...they make theirs into slip ons'!!!



DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Yes, I have been through quite a bit in my life...but my strength does not come from myself, it is within me because I have tried to endure patiently all that I have been given as trials.

a quote that i live by and yet I do fall apart a great deal of the time, then pick myself up and move forward..."All the strength you need is within you now, it was put there by your creator, who knew well what you would face in this life and made you equal too it."



WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Rocky Road...like my grandma - i thankfully was given her favorite spoon. it is all i would ask for if given the option to have something of hers. i now just finished off a half gallon with it. and i feel close to her...smiling, with her spoon and my ice cream. it is how she would want it.


WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE ?
Smiles,i agree with wendy....really it is the only think I notice...trying to picture people...clothes/hair/shoes/jewelry/smells......NOPE, just thinking of the smiles, and then the eyes...peoples eyes tell a lot. about if they are interested in you, if they are really letting you in.

funny, i notice smiles, but I cant really think of their teeth...nope, just the smile. ☺

RED OR PINK?
red, love a deep RED
thinking of valentines, hmmm, smiling...


WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF
I don't like that when I talk to people I loose my train of thought, and I pause...I think I must come across uninterested, or maybe a little crazee--takes you back to question number two...are you still reading me...hmmmmm



WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST ?
My grandma



WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
om goodness...this is embarassing. so I am not sure but I am going to say, the same clothes I have worn since last Thursday. I wash them overnight after a couple of days wearing them. THe shirt and Jacket have alternated, but the pants...nope..okay...here goes.

black sweats...hence the back surgery...have to wear something loose. (and I have gone to school twice in these, yes, kind of embarassing...the first day I hadn't been able to shower, because I couldn't get the incision wet....okay tmi right

you don't have to keep reading if your all flushed and embarassed, or if you now agree that I have problems....

he he...a green shirt, blue jacket, and my knee high socks, also green but more flouresant with the little tassel balls...i love them



WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE ?
peanut m n m's...

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
silence....ahhhhh, the kids have moved in with my sister in law until Tuesday morning...hmmmm that is a story in itself...however, the silence is awe....some...

IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Green or Yellow, maybe Orange. love those colors. love them together....hint hint...our bathroom needs remodeling and I bought towels in these colors for my husband...
FAVORITE SMELLS?
lavender...actually I love Christmas tree,
evergreen and I love pumpkin candles, with spice.
and LEMON....yum
the candle I have right now is carrot cake,....mmmmmmm


WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
my son...he is snowboarding and called to check in, having dinner with friends.

thankful that he calls and is respectful with me saying NO to a sleepover...all nighter ...
AFTER being gone the entire day snowboarding...have to put a stop to the fun at some point....and at least he will still respect the laying down the law...I know we are lucky. he is 14 years old...things could get worse...thankful again that he will listen. and respect....might not always be this way..phew.


FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
FOOTBALL...but I also love baseball, and golf. weird, right.

HAIR COLOR?
Wendyburd: "At the moment? DARK red." ...love her red hair.
and me...just regular brown



EYE COLOR?
Green

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes

FAVORITE FOOD?
spinach artichoke dip, with crackers/bread/chips...whatever
A Dr. Pepper and MnM's works fine too...



SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy Endings.
actually anything my husband wants to watch because he will rub my feet.
so generally we watch the man shows.


LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
hmmmmm, I think it was Batman, the new one, Dark Night...I slept through it, twice...



WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
GREEN
i tell you...grrrrrrrr
[boy, do i need a shower...i smell like a resthome....sorry. major overshare!!!!



SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall. ♥



HUGS OR KISSES?
Wendyburd:

"Hugs are so under rated, they are so comforting!"

...ditto


FAVORITE DESSERT?
Creme Bruilee




WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
among the hidden, Margaret Peterson Haddox


WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Wilber...the pig from Charlottes Web.

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Dark Night....a few minutes before I fell asleep. actually went to a movie...Zak and Miri....




FAVORITE SOUND?
Birds chirping. singing wake up...it is morning. i have bushes planted outside all the bedroom windows, hoping for birdis to sing good morning. My neighbor and husband tricked me once and put an electronic bird sound outside my window. I really thought it was birds, and it was quite annoying. they are so silly.



ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Both

WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Japan .... my husband is [was] the United States representative for Toyota last year...so we went with people from 50 plus countries to Japan for the International Awards Ceremony....they were amazing, treated us very well. Fun to meet people from all over the world...

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Wendyburd: "I think art, if I do say so myself".....again DITTO

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Highland, UTAH....actually American Fork Hospital...fork as in fark...


I tag: any one...this is a long one..but fun. Do what you want and let me know if you do it!!!!♥